Someone I just don’t like. 

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

You are allowed to not like people. Point blank period, you don’t always need a reason to not like someone or to have a personal experience that would lead you to dislike them even more. You are allowed to not like celebrities you have never met, will never meet, nor truly have a reason to dislike them besides “you just don’t like them.”

That being said, I just don’t like Camila Cabello. I was a certain girl-group stan that a certain celebrity mentioned prior was in and left to make bad music on her own. I also know that she 100 percent is a shitty person and has shitty qualities about her personality that makes everything about her irritating. It’s like the same emotion that many people have for Lea Michelle, they are very similar, “I just don’t like you” energy. I will say, I will never make this distaste known beyond this article and word of mouth because just because you are allowed to not like people, doesn’t mean you are allowed to actively care enough about them to intentionally ruin their day. Indifference is key and guess what, Cabello has no idea who I am and doesn’t need to know that I don’t like her. I still don’t like her though. 

They’re trying again with “Percy Jackson”

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

During the early to mid 2010’s, fantasy teen books controlled the underbelly of popular culture among the late elementary, middle school and early high school years. With people obsessing over various fantasy book series and their film adaptations, film studios were riding the success of the “Harry Potter” series and “Twilight Saga” wave. A book series that is amazing, but has major flops for movies is sadly the beloved “Percy Jackson” series. 

*and so we enter the section where I expose all of the knowledge I have about this book series as well as how much I still care that this remake is good*

Fitting into the “Harry Potter” “I’m so cool look at my powers” and chosen boy route, the books detail the life of Halfblood (half human and half Greek god), children neglected by half of their parents, hitting puberty, and fighting monsters all at once *gasp.* The main character, Percy Jackson, is the son of Poseidon and is the child of the prophecy who will either save or end the Olympians and their rule over humanity. Homie has a bestfriend who is half goat as well as the classic enemies to lovers story line that a middle aged white guy wrote about twelve to eighteen year olds. The books, like I mentioned, are great, a 10/10 read — the movies: not so much. 

The first film came out in 2010 and scored a solid 49 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, but overall wasn’t the worst. Like most book-to-screen adaptations, there were parts missing and added to make the film seem more appealing overall. The worst changes were that the characters were sixteen instead of twelve, which made everything less impressive and much more moody. They didn’t fit some of the most important details in, and idk I just feel like it could’ve been better. 

There is no saving the second film that came out in 2013. All of the semi-redeeming qualities of the first one cannot be found within the second one and I think the 42 percent Rotten Tomatoes score was generous. 

Now, ten years later they’re trying again and actually making the characters the correct ages. They just casted Percy and people don’t hate him, even though Logan Lerman was a great cast the first time, he was old. Idk I just hope it’s good. But, let’s not get our hopes up so the let down isn’t as severe.

The OG top influencer 

Satire

Emily Allgair, Staff 

The chokehold that Bethany Mota had on the teens and tweens of the early 2010s was one like no other. She had us buying out all of the Dream Bouncy pink blush, BB creams and, of course, her Aeropostale line #Motivators. I’m not going to lie: I think about Mota on the regular. Her videos, her channel, her influence. I often find myself daydreaming, looking out the window wondering where the wind has taken Bethany Mota and what she is up to now. 

Somewhat recently, Bethany was on “Dancing with the Stars,” although she did not win. Currently, she is trying her hand at sustainable jewelry and was even the subject of a New York Times profile called “Can a YouTube Queen Like Bethany Mota Create a Jewelry Realm?” “Atom&Matter,” her brand, has teamed up with an ex-Tiffany & Co. designer. Definitely not what I would have expected, but still exciting nonetheless. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even drop some dough on a pair of earrings or necklace or something to prove my loyalties still lie with Macbarbie07. All I can say is that I hope that Bethany Mota is just as successful in her future endeavors as she was in the spotlight of YouTube in 2014, if not more. 

Harry Styles’ new single actually fits right now very well

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

Former One Direction member Harry Styles releases bops regularly, but his most recent single actually fits the vibe of society. If you haven’t heard, the 28-year-old just announced his third album is set to come out May 20 and released his first single from “Harry’s House,” “As It Was” on April 1. The song slaps, with a whimsical instrumental, the energy of the songs seems to be carefree and fun, much like the feeling of spring. That feeling that makes you want to drive with the windows down, take a walk, burn some herbs and day drink. Currently, it’s spring, meaning that the weather is warming up, seasonal depression is slowly going away and the pandemic seems to finally be releasing the chokehold it’s had on the world since March of 2020.

When you actually listen to what homie is saying, sh*t’s sad. 

“In this world, it’s just us. You know it’s not the same as it was. As it was, as it was. You know it’s not the same,” goes the song.

Like yeah we’re getting old, nothing ever stays the same, Harry. Please stop bringing it up because I was just a sophomore and now I’m about to graduate. 

“Answer the phone. ‘Harry, you’re no good alone. Why are you sitting at home on the floor? What kind of pills are you on?’ Ringin’ the bell and nobody’s coming to help,” it continues. 

This one is just sad. Currently, when you look beyond spring and how nice it is to feel as if we’re finally moving out of the pandemic, nothing is really okay. Russia is waging a horrific war, many cities are facing rising crime rates and generally life is moving way too fast and changing in all aspects without any consideration of who is actually emotionally available to move into new periods of life. Harry really said nothing is the same and everyone is ignoring how utterly sad life is, just a wild time. 

Why is Peppa Pig 7’1”?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

The children’s cartoon show “Peppa Pig ” is in itself nightmare fuel. The simply drawn animals shouldn’t be as scary as they are, especially because first of all, it’s a children’s show and secondly, it’s a story about Peppa who is anfour-year-old English pig child living life with her pig family and other animal friends. But, truly it is something that could be turned terrifying due to simple adjustments of one’s knowledge of the cartoon. 

The scariest part about Peppa is that, according to Google, she is 7’1”, the same height as several of the NBA’s tallest players. Now, it is also discussed on the internet that Peppa is about 3’9”, but why does it come up that she is 7’1” and why do I believe that it is more likely that she is not 3’9” and is in fact 7’1”?

The thought of a giant Peppa Pig running around in some universe is terrifying, but I can’t imagine her in any other way. She is tall enough to literally step on and kill people, especially short people like Snooki, Danny Devito and half of TLC’s payroll. Over a foot taller than me and most other people: giant Peppa would be a menace to society and could easily kill most people if she wanted to, even if she can’t always squish them like bugs. She is a pig, pigs do eat literally anything, so giant Peppa could eat you as well, in addition to being able to kill you if she wanted to. Her sizing also means that her four-year-old self will just get bigger considering her parents are both respectively 12 feet and 15 feet. Literally terrifying. 

As someone who has had to watch Peppa as an adult due to babysitting, the things she says and the timing of her pauses are also pretty wild, but that’s a story for another day. Just think about how large Peppa Pig actually is next time you watch her show and realize that you are never going to beat Peppa. 

I Calculated the Heights of the Peppa Pig Family Members Relative to 7"1'  Peppa : r/dankmemes

Is that Fergie? 

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

The other day at work, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie played from a TikTok via my co-workers phone. My other co-worker had no idea who sang the aforementioned song, but he knew the LaDaDaDaaaaaaaa part which was enough to lead us to the identity of the song and the realization that people don’t know Fergie quite as well as I do. So, today we are here to clarify some things about Ms. Fergalicious herself, based on the things my co-workers said as they tried to identify her.

Yes. Fergie, as in Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and she does sing in addition to rap. No, not Beyonce. Beyonce probably would kill it singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” but she has never publicly sang the song, just Fergie. Why are you remembering the song now? Because it is trending on TikTok for multiple different trends. 

The first trend uses this verse: “Yes you can hold my hand if you want to, cause I want to hold yours too.” 

The second trend uses this verse: “We’ve got some straightening out to do”

The third trend uses this verse: “I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you.”

All are iconic lines delivered by Fergie in her song, although some of the trends are not as popular as the other depending on what your FBI agent has chosen for you. In addition to the trending verses, Jack Harlow sampled another Fergie song, “Glamorous,” which is also now trending because of how influential the original is and how the sample will be almost as iconic when it comes out. 

Now that why you are remembering Fergie is out of the way, you should know and or remember these Fergie songs and iconic moments:

  1. She was in the Black Eyed Peas and was on all of their most iconic songs such as “I Gotta Feeling,” “Meet Me Halfway,” “Pump It” and “Where is the Love.” 
  2. Her 2000s solo music: all bops. Highly suggest you go and listen to her 2006 album “The Duchess” and feel the childhood. 
  3. Her comeback music also isn’t the worst and has some bops such as “LA Love.”
  4. She has been involved in some of the most iconic pop culture moments such as:
  • Her marriage to Josh Duhamel 
  • Her eyebrow piercing 
  1. She is the only reason I know how to spell GLAMOROUS 

“G-L, A-M, O-R, O-U-S.” — “Glamorous” By Fergie

She literally shaped your childhood from the years 2003 to 2012 and middle schools continue to play “I Gotta Feeling” at every function. This pop culture icon deserves better and that’s on that. 

La Salle Gets $1 billion endowment | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Kylie McGovern, editor

On April 1, anonymous donors consisting primarily of alumni donated an endowment of $1 billion. This generosity will benefit current La Salle students and the future generations of La Salle for many years to come. The university’s website explains that “A strong endowment allows La Salle University students, faculty and administrators to pursue initiatives and endeavors that enhance our ability to live our Lasallian mission.” 

Endowed funds are typically established in accordance with a donor’s interests such as a specific discipline, in a specific department or for use within a specific school or across the university. This endowment will go towards a few initiatives like the School of Arts and Sciences, hiring a celebrity chef for our dining services, reviving every sport cut in 2020 and increasing security. 

The Arts and Sciences Initiative will go towards a few different projects. The main pillar of this plan will be updating and renovating Hayman Hall, Holroyd Hall and College Hall to make them more similar to their business and health science counterparts. Although the blueprints are still in the works, the endowment will be making each of these previously mentioned buildings twice the size of Founders Hall and have even more unnecessary windows than it. This will require buying some of Central High’s land for the project. 

In addition, the Communication Center will be entirely rebuilt and moved from Timbuktu to a location on this continent. Also, each department in the School of Arts and Sciences will have their salaries raised to $1 million and receive investments in both Bitcoin and NFTs to reward them for their hard work that is oftentimes overlooked because they educate future teachers, writers, researchers, artists, ect., rather than future CEOs. In addition, this endowment will help connect current A&S students to the most elite and prestigious in their future fields so none of them ever have to hear the words “what do you do with a political science degree?” ever again.

Although the A&S initiative seemingly benefits a smaller group of students, other aspects of the endowment will go towards improving dining — something each student at La Salle can enjoy. The donations towards dining will work to hire a celebrity chef who will exclusively serve farm-to-table recipes that will combine classic home-cooked dishes and exotic dishes to the menu every day. You heard that right, no more chili on top of pasta. This position is likely to interest celebrity chefs from all over the globe, including Gordon Ramsey and Buddy Valastro. La Salle students will also be eating better because this endowment will allow the school to afford a third dining hall to give students more variety of mediocrity.

Similar to more dining variety, the athletics department will also be seeing more variety, as it will bring  back every single sport cut in 2020. The sports being added back are the men’s programs baseball, swimming and diving, tennis and water polo and the women’s programs softball, volleyball and tennis. These sports were originally cut due to budget issues, which no longer exist. In addition, rather than the mustard yellow La Salle shirts that are given to the first three students at every game, each fan will get one of those cool winter jackets that La Salle athletes get. Everyone on campus will match including NARPS, the originally cut teams and pre-existing jacket-wearing athletes.  

As students walk throughout campus in their new jackets, they will feel safer because the endowment will establish better security protocol. This endowment will fund a position with the exclusive duty of informing students about incidents on or near campus, so that they do not have to receive a citizen notification that reads “Man armed with scissors three feet away.” In addition, all security guards will be provided with adequate time off and caffeine so that they do not fall asleep on duty. Finally, the new endowment will hire alum William J. Burns, current director of the CIA, to be head of La Salle security. Overall, the endowment will improve life for many students at La Salle.  The School of Arts and Sciences, dining services, athletics and security will all likely see immense improvement because of these funds. In addition, these improvements will increase the longevity of the entire university for years to come. Or, maybe they’ll just blow the whole thing on the new head coach for men’s basketball.

Crime log — March 24 – April 1 | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Saturday, March 26
09:30 pm —

PPD arrest 12 Christian Brothers in relation to an underground fight club being hosted out of Anselm Hall. One brother fled the scene and has not yet been found.

Sunday, March 27
08:00 am —

Local man arrested and charged with two counts of cycling outside of the bike lane on Belfield Ave.

Monday, March 28
11:00 am —

Absolutely shredded La Salle student arrested after setting off the Lunk Alarm at the IBC Fitness Center

Tuesday, March 29
01:00 am —

A case report was filed for an armed robbery off campus. A 6’6” 200 lb. La Salle basketball player had their wallet and smartphone stolen by a pair of tweens who’s older brothers go to Central High School. PPD reports the children did not have a gun, but a reflective Hot Pocket wrapper.

Tuesday, March 29
09:69 pm —

A La Salle student is accused of doing your mom.

Thursday, March 31
09:43 pm —

A case report was filed for disorderly conduct outside of the Wister Court Apartments. A middle aged man was reportedly throwing his own feces at the walls of the building screaming to be let in. (Oh wait, this one actually happened.)

Wednesday, March 30
05:00 pm —

A case report was filed for aggravated assault at a gender reveal party in the Peale House.

Wednesday, April 20
04:20 pm —

A case report was filed for two students in possession of marijuana in the St. Katherine’s dormitory. Report says they were escorted out by a member of Public Safety.

Wednesday, April 20
04:21 pm —

A case report was filed in relation to a member of La Salle Public Safety partaking in the smoking of marijuana outside of St. Katherine’s dormitory while escorting two students to the Public Safety Office. 

Wednesday, April 20
04:22 pm —

Real member of La Salle Public Safety apprehends the two students as well as the other officer, who was in fact a Public Safety impersonator. Shortly after all four individuals were arrested by PPD for the use of marijuana.

Friday, April 1
09:00 am — 

Reader of this crime log reportedly arrested by PPD for the use of common sense and over-analysis to realize this crime log is not real.

The government is efficient | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

David O’Brien, Editor

Header Image: The Cheap Place

For the first time since the peak of the Obama Administration, the American presidential approval rating is above 67 (that would be a D+). The people of the U.S. are happy not only with their president but also their Congress and judicial branch. All three branches of government are being run properly and the majority of people outside of moderates are happy with the way things are going. There is no internal strife within the United States and above all, Americans are united in their efforts to build a better country along with a better world. The government is doing great. The government is guiding us to a better future. The government is efficient.

Americans are totally fine with gas prices being above four dollars as long as they help us in our battle for global hegemony. Americans are totally fine with the U.S.’s response to the Ukraine crisis. Americans have all collectively agreed to only trying to stop war crimes and global crises as long as they are being caused by nations we are not allied with. As the United States continues to combat climate change, the new policies are WAY better for the environment. Lithium batteries are not manufactured in a method that is equally destructive towards the ozone layer as well as towards the ecology of the region they are mined in.

The majority of Americans have acknowledged the fact they live in a society dominated by technocrats, financial interests and the almighty dollar, and as the days go by it becomes more obvious that the U.S. will not simply try to appease the general populace through constantly manufacturing crises to distract us but actually try and build a better government and country so the youth of today and tomorrow will have a future that is not dominated by social, political and economic instability.

The U.S.’s taxpayers are making a worthwhile contribution towards a better society. Each new political debate aired in the news demonstrates that the average politician, media outlet and citizen is focusing on what is really important. Each and every person should be happy with the principles and actions of the U.S. government and its policies. The military, court system, NSA, CIA, FBI and other agencies are regulated properly and the average citizen has the ability to be involved with the important mechanisms of the American government. Change is clearly possible. The system clearly cares about each and every person in it. The government is efficient and utilizes the money coming out of your wallet in a positive manner. Each and every person should be overjoyed with the policies of the United States and the U.S.’s attempts to institute these policies to help improve society. Why bother with federal voting reform bills when the federal government votes on all major policy decisions behind closed doors?! The government is efficient.

Above all, the youth of today are happy with their ability to be involved in government and help provide new insights to building back a better country. Sure, the average age of Congress is 57 and the average age of the Senate is 62. Sure, the president is 79 years old (three years younger than the average nursing home resident) and the opponent to the president being 75 years old. But hey, the youth of today are completely fine with living in a gerontocracy where the people who have put no effort in maintaining the economic conditions they grew up in for their children and their grandchildren are in charge.