Every movie ever ranked | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Nolen Kelly, Editor

Here in A&E, we’ve talked and reviewed our favorite and least movies over the years. Admittedly there was a bit of an idea drought for this week, but then the idea flew through our window and spread around like a Molotov Cocktail consuming a flammable environment. It’s simple: what if we ranked every movie ever? That’s right, today we are ranking every movie that has ever been made. This is it, this is the list. Please do not reach out or contact anyone about this list because it is final and every movie in existence is included here. This list has been in development for an amount of time and adequate effort has been put into this so please, if you see anyone who writes for The Collegian in public, leave us alone. Kick back, grab a snack, knick knack paddy whack, let me know if you see a Radioshack and relax as we rank EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE.

119172019
2“Never Gonna Give You Up” Music Video1987
3“Thriller” Music Video1982
4A Fish Called Wanda1988
Are we done yet?2005
5Are we there yet?2007
6Back to the Future1985
7Back to the Future Part II1989
8Back to the Future Part III1989
9Blades of Glory2007
10Boogie Nights1997
11Booksmart2019
12Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie2017
13Close Encounters of the Third Kind1995
14Cloverfield2008
15Ice Age 5: Collision Course2016
16Daddy Day Care2007
17Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo1999
18Django Unchained2012
19Fargo1994
20Foodfight!2012
21Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star2011
22Fred Claus2007
23Fun with Dick and Jane2005
24Ghostbusters2016
25Ice Age 4: Continental Drift2012
26Godzilla2014
27Goonies1985
28Hateful Eight, The2015
29I now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry2007
30Idiocracy2006
31Incredibles, The2004
32Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom1984
33Jaws1975
34John Wick2014
35John Wick: Chapter 22017
36John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum2019
37Journey 22012
38Journey to the Center of the Earth2008
39Kevin Hart: Laugh at my Pain2011
40Kingsman: The Secret Service2015
41Knives Out2019
42Lady Bird2017
43Dinosaur2000
44Little Women2019
45Love, Simon2018
46Mission: Impossible III2006
47Night at the Museum2006
48Night at the Museum: Night at the Smithsonian2009
49Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb2014
50O Brother Where Art Thou2000
51Office Space1999
52Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood2019
53Over the Hedge2006
54Paddington2014
55Paddington 22017
56Peacemaker Season 12021
57Piranha 3D2010
58Princess Mononoke1997
59Rango2012
60Ratatouille2007
61Real Steel2011
62Reservoir Dogs1992
63Room2015
64Shrek 2004
65Shrek 22001
66Singin’ in the Rain1952
67Slumdog Millionaire2008
68Space Jam1996
69Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse2018
70Spookley the Square Pumpkin2005
71Star Trek2009
72Star Wars: The Force Awakens2015
73Super 82011
74Super Size Me 2007
75Super Size Me 2: Holy Chicken2000
76Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby2006
77Teen Witch1989
78Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles2014
79Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows2016
80“Feel Good Inc” Music Video2005
81The Batman2022
82The Departed2006
83The Dirties2014
84The Disaster Artist2017
85The Eternals2021
86The Godfather1972
87The Godfather Pt. 21974
88The Last of Us2013
89The Room2003
90The Santa Claus1994
91The Santa Clause 32006
92The Shape of Water2017
93The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants2005
94The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 22008
95UHF1989
96Uncut Gems2019
97Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were- Rabbit2005
98Who Framed Roger Rabbit?1988

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read our official ranking of every movie ever made. If you really want to contact us you can e-mail here at this link.

The government is efficient | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

David O’Brien, Editor

Header Image: The Cheap Place

For the first time since the peak of the Obama Administration, the American presidential approval rating is above 67 (that would be a D+). The people of the U.S. are happy not only with their president but also their Congress and judicial branch. All three branches of government are being run properly and the majority of people outside of moderates are happy with the way things are going. There is no internal strife within the United States and above all, Americans are united in their efforts to build a better country along with a better world. The government is doing great. The government is guiding us to a better future. The government is efficient.

Americans are totally fine with gas prices being above four dollars as long as they help us in our battle for global hegemony. Americans are totally fine with the U.S.’s response to the Ukraine crisis. Americans have all collectively agreed to only trying to stop war crimes and global crises as long as they are being caused by nations we are not allied with. As the United States continues to combat climate change, the new policies are WAY better for the environment. Lithium batteries are not manufactured in a method that is equally destructive towards the ozone layer as well as towards the ecology of the region they are mined in.

The majority of Americans have acknowledged the fact they live in a society dominated by technocrats, financial interests and the almighty dollar, and as the days go by it becomes more obvious that the U.S. will not simply try to appease the general populace through constantly manufacturing crises to distract us but actually try and build a better government and country so the youth of today and tomorrow will have a future that is not dominated by social, political and economic instability.

The U.S.’s taxpayers are making a worthwhile contribution towards a better society. Each new political debate aired in the news demonstrates that the average politician, media outlet and citizen is focusing on what is really important. Each and every person should be happy with the principles and actions of the U.S. government and its policies. The military, court system, NSA, CIA, FBI and other agencies are regulated properly and the average citizen has the ability to be involved with the important mechanisms of the American government. Change is clearly possible. The system clearly cares about each and every person in it. The government is efficient and utilizes the money coming out of your wallet in a positive manner. Each and every person should be overjoyed with the policies of the United States and the U.S.’s attempts to institute these policies to help improve society. Why bother with federal voting reform bills when the federal government votes on all major policy decisions behind closed doors?! The government is efficient.

Above all, the youth of today are happy with their ability to be involved in government and help provide new insights to building back a better country. Sure, the average age of Congress is 57 and the average age of the Senate is 62. Sure, the president is 79 years old (three years younger than the average nursing home resident) and the opponent to the president being 75 years old. But hey, the youth of today are completely fine with living in a gerontocracy where the people who have put no effort in maintaining the economic conditions they grew up in for their children and their grandchildren are in charge.

La Salle Gets $1 billion endowment | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Kylie McGovern, editor

On April 1, anonymous donors consisting primarily of alumni donated an endowment of $1 billion. This generosity will benefit current La Salle students and the future generations of La Salle for many years to come. The university’s website explains that “A strong endowment allows La Salle University students, faculty and administrators to pursue initiatives and endeavors that enhance our ability to live our Lasallian mission.” 

Endowed funds are typically established in accordance with a donor’s interests such as a specific discipline, in a specific department or for use within a specific school or across the university. This endowment will go towards a few initiatives like the School of Arts and Sciences, hiring a celebrity chef for our dining services, reviving every sport cut in 2020 and increasing security. 

The Arts and Sciences Initiative will go towards a few different projects. The main pillar of this plan will be updating and renovating Hayman Hall, Holroyd Hall and College Hall to make them more similar to their business and health science counterparts. Although the blueprints are still in the works, the endowment will be making each of these previously mentioned buildings twice the size of Founders Hall and have even more unnecessary windows than it. This will require buying some of Central High’s land for the project. 

In addition, the Communication Center will be entirely rebuilt and moved from Timbuktu to a location on this continent. Also, each department in the School of Arts and Sciences will have their salaries raised to $1 million and receive investments in both Bitcoin and NFTs to reward them for their hard work that is oftentimes overlooked because they educate future teachers, writers, researchers, artists, ect., rather than future CEOs. In addition, this endowment will help connect current A&S students to the most elite and prestigious in their future fields so none of them ever have to hear the words “what do you do with a political science degree?” ever again.

Although the A&S initiative seemingly benefits a smaller group of students, other aspects of the endowment will go towards improving dining — something each student at La Salle can enjoy. The donations towards dining will work to hire a celebrity chef who will exclusively serve farm-to-table recipes that will combine classic home-cooked dishes and exotic dishes to the menu every day. You heard that right, no more chili on top of pasta. This position is likely to interest celebrity chefs from all over the globe, including Gordon Ramsey and Buddy Valastro. La Salle students will also be eating better because this endowment will allow the school to afford a third dining hall to give students more variety of mediocrity.

Similar to more dining variety, the athletics department will also be seeing more variety, as it will bring  back every single sport cut in 2020. The sports being added back are the men’s programs baseball, swimming and diving, tennis and water polo and the women’s programs softball, volleyball and tennis. These sports were originally cut due to budget issues, which no longer exist. In addition, rather than the mustard yellow La Salle shirts that are given to the first three students at every game, each fan will get one of those cool winter jackets that La Salle athletes get. Everyone on campus will match including NARPS, the originally cut teams and pre-existing jacket-wearing athletes.  

As students walk throughout campus in their new jackets, they will feel safer because the endowment will establish better security protocol. This endowment will fund a position with the exclusive duty of informing students about incidents on or near campus, so that they do not have to receive a citizen notification that reads “Man armed with scissors three feet away.” In addition, all security guards will be provided with adequate time off and caffeine so that they do not fall asleep on duty. Finally, the new endowment will hire alum William J. Burns, current director of the CIA, to be head of La Salle security. Overall, the endowment will improve life for many students at La Salle.  The School of Arts and Sciences, dining services, athletics and security will all likely see immense improvement because of these funds. In addition, these improvements will increase the longevity of the entire university for years to come. Or, maybe they’ll just blow the whole thing on the new head coach for men’s basketball.

Crime log — March 24 – April 1 | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Saturday, March 26
09:30 pm —

PPD arrest 12 Christian Brothers in relation to an underground fight club being hosted out of Anselm Hall. One brother fled the scene and has not yet been found.

Sunday, March 27
08:00 am —

Local man arrested and charged with two counts of cycling outside of the bike lane on Belfield Ave.

Monday, March 28
11:00 am —

Absolutely shredded La Salle student arrested after setting off the Lunk Alarm at the IBC Fitness Center

Tuesday, March 29
01:00 am —

A case report was filed for an armed robbery off campus. A 6’6” 200 lb. La Salle basketball player had their wallet and smartphone stolen by a pair of tweens who’s older brothers go to Central High School. PPD reports the children did not have a gun, but a reflective Hot Pocket wrapper.

Tuesday, March 29
09:69 pm —

A La Salle student is accused of doing your mom.

Thursday, March 31
09:43 pm —

A case report was filed for disorderly conduct outside of the Wister Court Apartments. A middle aged man was reportedly throwing his own feces at the walls of the building screaming to be let in. (Oh wait, this one actually happened.)

Wednesday, March 30
05:00 pm —

A case report was filed for aggravated assault at a gender reveal party in the Peale House.

Wednesday, April 20
04:20 pm —

A case report was filed for two students in possession of marijuana in the St. Katherine’s dormitory. Report says they were escorted out by a member of Public Safety.

Wednesday, April 20
04:21 pm —

A case report was filed in relation to a member of La Salle Public Safety partaking in the smoking of marijuana outside of St. Katherine’s dormitory while escorting two students to the Public Safety Office. 

Wednesday, April 20
04:22 pm —

Real member of La Salle Public Safety apprehends the two students as well as the other officer, who was in fact a Public Safety impersonator. Shortly after all four individuals were arrested by PPD for the use of marijuana.

Friday, April 1
09:00 am — 

Reader of this crime log reportedly arrested by PPD for the use of common sense and over-analysis to realize this crime log is not real.

The La Salle Collegian receives Pulitzer Prize for excellence in journalistic endeavors | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Ain’t they just the greatest?

The Entire Staff of the New York Times

It was announced on March 31, 2022 that the student-run newspaper out of Philadelphia’s La Salle University, the La Salle Collegian, would be receiving the 2022 Pulitzer Journalism Prizes in Public Service, Breaking News Reporting, Investigative Reporting, Explanatory Reporting, Local Reporting, National Reporting, International Reporting, Feature Writing, Commentary, Criticism, Editorial Writing and Editorial Cartooning for their print publication, as well as the Audio Reporting award for the Collegian Podcast. A full sweep of this magnitude has never been seen before. 

Picture of Jake with no blood in his body.

President Daniel J. Allen, the president of La Salle, is taking full credit, saying that he has been a major influence on the direction of the paper for years now. When asked about how he influenced their writing, Allen refused to comment. Editor-in-Chief of the Collegian, Jakob “1,300 mg of caffeine per serving” Eiseman had this to say about their stunning victory, “I mean… yeah, I guess we’re alright. We finish uploading nearly every article after our deadlines and we barely ever have enough content to fill the paper, plus I barely care about following a proper editing process. You know what actually, I think we make every paper in existence look like a rag in comparison.”

Eiseman cites the COVID-19 pandemic as a major source of the Collegian’s success. “You know, ever since the pandemic hit, no one has been interested in writing for the paper. Our staff has shrunk to just a handful of wannabe writers making memes in the basement of the student Union, and none of our writers know how to actually conduct an interview or investigation. It’s really made us think about how to work under constraints. And you know what they say, ‘creativity is born from adversity,’ or something like that, I don’t know.”

The support system

The La Salle School of Arts and Sciences highlighted several of the Collegian’s seminal works they believe pushed them over the edge, sharing that articles like “Why you need a thneed” or “On barbershops” impacted not just the world of student journalism, but investigative reporting as a whole, diving deep into the personal turmoil that local conspiracy theorists like their managing editor David “Woe is me” O’Brien go through on a daily basis. His piece “Seed oils: A hidden danger in the American diet” is being used as an example of masterclass reporting in the communication department as we speak.

“I just speak my mind, man,” said O’Brien, “I don’t really have a process, I just kinda write whatever I want whenever I feel like it and expect everyone to think it’s funny. They’ve asked me to help with politics in the past considering my interests in public policy, but I just hate writing anything that isn’t a sh*tpost, and the Collegian respects that.”

Enrique poses for a photo after pounding back several beers Zero Sugar Monster Energy drinks.

The student pub is a large umbrella, though, and nearly every section bagged their own awards. The sports section in the Collegian rivals that of ESPN and Bleacher Report, despite being almost entirely written and edited by political science sophomore Enrique “There Are Bugs Under My Skin” Carrasco. Many faculty and members of the marketing and communication team at La Salle fell in love with Carrasco’s work when he published his piece “Opinion: Athletic department finally does something right” in which he vehemently bashes former head coach Ashley Howard with unsubstantiated claims and improper grammar to the beat of Chief Keef’s “Laughin’ to the Bank,” an idea that was just so funny that none of the Collegian staff could resist as surely it wouldn’t upset anybody within La Salle’s administration.

Carrasco is known to write dotingly of the men’s basketball team, saying in an interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer, “Yeah, if any of your staff wants to go to the women’s games and write about those, that’d be great because I’m just not doin’ that.” 

O’Brien and Carrasco, two unstoppable forces in the writing world, would cross paths and ignite a bitter blood feud in 2021 that was the inspiration for the series of articles that no doubt led to the Collegian’s Pulitzer in Feature Writing win: “Why I ABSOLUTELY despise David O’Brien,” “Why I absolutely loathe Enrique Carrasco” and the riveting finale, “Why David O’Brien and Enrique Carrasco are best friends again.” This harrowing tale of a friendship on the outs that eventually came back stronger had all of us crying in the proverbial club.

Overcoming their setbacks

Liz poses to promote her fashion brand “Liz Lettering” to anyone who will listen.

One criticism of the Collegian’s writing style that really hampered their chances in a few categories was the quality of some of their editors’ work. Business editor for the Collegian, Liz “Did you know I’m an artist?” McLaughlin, has been highly criticized by La Salle’s staff and pundits around the globe as being “too analytical” and “too good at writing for us to understand,” often employing the use of “big girl words,” actual fact-checking, investigative reporting and, god bless her readers’ souls, even interviews in some of her pieces. Articles like her hit piece on the university’s fund allocation or her 100 percent meaningful account of experiencing misogyny on campus were, at least in our opinion, a bit too much for the paper’s audience. We want goofy nonsense and short form articles with NO substance from today’s journalists, and actually caring about your work is just unacceptable. Do better Liz, be more like your peers in the news section.

Another frequent magnet for controversy is none other than Eiseman, the leader of this juggernaut crew. He has been criticized as being “a dirty little gamer” who puts thought and effort into his reviews of properties from pop culture, employing the same journalistic style as his editorials and hard news articles. “I just don’t see why he cares so much about entertainment, it’s not like anyone actually reads that stuff,” said Eiseman’s mother. 

“Yeah, I’m not really sure what they expected when they put the guy from arts and entertainment in charge of the whole paper,” said Eiseman, “I just wanna write about movies, not politics and university management, that stuff’s boring.” Despite claiming not to care, there are reports from within the Collegian’s office that he rules the publication with an iron fist, being dubbed a dictator by some for offering simple suggestions.

The standout stars

Journalists from across the country, the likes of Lester Holt, David Muir, Tucker Carlson, Anderson Cooper and others have ranted and raved about the Collegian’s politics section. “Always on time, always factual, never overflowing with surface-level writing and observations, our politics section is the pride and joy of the Libertarian Party,” said Politics Editor Danielle “I run the Instagram” O’Brien. 

The politics section is a fan favorite, with some articles like writer Rachel “Why am I being called out by a person I don’t even know” Phillips’ piece “Democrats demand the release of student debt memos” going on to inspire real change despite being only 400 words of mostly quotes from other publications. That piece quickly ended student debt, and not only that, but O’Brien’s piece on Critical Race Theory, that was in no way just facts from a political studies essay reworked into an article to fill space, single handedly ended racism in America. Nearly every single article from politics is under the 500 word minimum, but the editors let it pass, usually because they are uploaded in the wee hours of the morning after they have all gone to sleep. The staff had only this to say about the politics editing style: “No comment. But have you seen the great work she’s done with the Instagram page?”

The head copy editor for the Collegian, Alina “The farmgirl” Snopkowski, is a pure soul untouched by the vitriol that the rest of the staff exudes. Frankly, the writer of this column has nothing funny to say about her because without her work, the paper would have collapsed ages ago. However, our sources from within the Collegian have told us that she may be overworked by her higher-ups in the editing process, only having time to write one article for her own section in an entire semester. If this scandal turns out to be true, the prizes may be reconsidered.

Nolen… well…. Yeah…

Another powerhouse from the paper’s team is Nolen “LCD Soundsystem enjoyer” Kelly, the arts and entertainment editor who just won’t shut up. He opens his brain and projectile vomits the thoughts all over the page. His fans love the overly-complicated inside jokes, deep film lore references and snide comments Kelly’s reviews take, and he never once has he missed a joke. Kelly is taking his talents elsewhere next year, planning to live as a roadside hermit outside of Wister Court for a few years trying to tell strangers about how much he loves Paul Thomas Anderson and Christopher Nolan movies despite no one understanding a single thing he says. Kelly has a knack for working a reference to his Letterboxd account into every article he writes, and the critics at Pulitzer just loved spotting them in paragraph two of 54 in his hype piece for “The Batman.” 

Finally, the trump card of the staff, news editor Kylie “Pro feminism and pro doin’ your mom” McGovern. McGovern is the heart and soul of the Collegian’s Breaking News team, and consistently puts out banger articles that say exactly what the press release they are from says with no added context. She is heralded as the mother of the modern journalistic integrity movement, publishing articles that are so lean and short, that anyone who reads them gets the same exact information from them as from any announcement or email the university makes. Sometimes, her articles will be entirely made up of exact quotes from presidential emails, meaning she writes only about 100 words, leaving very little room for misinterpretation. McGovern’s articles may be short… and that’s the only joke we have to make about them because they’re genuinely good… but at least they’re always on time, something most of the staff can’t fathom.

Let us know what you think

According to Eiseman in an article written for Dictionary.com, “Winning a Pulitzer is widely considered one of the most prestigious honors in these fields, especially for U.S. journalism,” and we couldn’t agree more. Although Joseph Pulitzer is likely rolling in his grave, the journalism landscape has vastly shifted and this is just what the public wants. On behalf of the Collegian, Eiseman accepted the award, giving a simple speech of “It’s been an honor to lead the Collegian for the last year, and I look forward to seeing where they go in the future. I guarantee whoever takes over for me will continue the paper’s trajectory and proceed driving it further into the ground until the once mighty fourth branch of La Salle is nothing but an internet forum full of Seinfeld memes. Thank you.” 

Following the speech, we reached out to the university, and this is what they had to say. “The Collegian’s reporting really hasn’t lived up to our standards lately. They haven’t been doing nearly enough digging to find out any of the nasty secrets we’re hiding, like the fact that our Alumni Association lost over $34,000 combined in one year on the Golf Outing, Charter Dinner and other events which is public information on our 2019 Schedule G 990s. I guess the school population will never know any of our bad press because the ‘journalists’ at the Collegian are too busy sh*tposting. Oh well.”

Managing Editor O’Brien expressing his concerns to the school administration

Sorry La Salle, don’t know what to tell you, but this is just how it is. We won the prizes because we are the best just the way we are. You don’t like it? You can take it up with the Editorial Board by emailing them at soufleris@lasalle.edu. Maybe next time take the suggestions to them instead of holding them and whining about it behind their back. They are reasonable adults and can take criticism, and the Collegian staff is always willing to compromise. We genuinely respect and understand your comments regarding our writing style and quality of publication over the last few months, and will be making some changes accordingly based on them with full fervor, but you can just contact us directly next time please so we can have a conversation about it like you would with any other publication, yeah? Cool.

Update: The Pulitzer Prize for Best Writer on the Planet, No Seriously No One Will Ever Be Better Than This, Drop Out of Journalism School NOW has been awarded to Kicks and Cake Editor Claire “I am weed” Kunzier for her hard hitting commentary and complete mastery of the English language. The critics at the Pulitzer Prize Board were brought to tears, uncontrollable body urges and even Exploding Head Syndrome (EHS) upon reading her work “I can’t whistle.” The single paragraph is said to be so comically written that no English speaker can read it without instantly laughing themselves into cardiac arrest. The line “YOU KNOW IT’S HARDER THAN YOU THINK FLO RIDA, SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T ‘JUST PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER’ SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN’T DO IT” has said to have killed over 100 people to date, and the rest of the article is being transcribed into runes as we speak to avoid overloading the human mind. Kicks and Cake continuously puts out these unbelievably great articles, leading some to believe that Kunzier has colluded with some form of greater being in order to control the human race through laughter-induced docileness and incredibly hot takes.

La Salle resorts to raising funds via a MLM scheme | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

YoungBoy Never Broke Again, Staff

“Hey girl!”

It’s the Instagram DM everybody dreads. “You’ve clearly got a LOT going on, LOVE your posts by the way… but I sense something special about you so I wanted to reach out.” You can probably guess where this is going next.

“Have you ever heard of La Salle University? It’s the cutest little school in Philly ranked #1 for earnings on its MBA program! My name is McKayleighanne and the reason I’m reaching out is because I’m looking for people to join our team where you can earn above and beyond what you’re currently making. I’d love to connect with you on a business level, is this an opportunity you’d be interested in?”

Um, what? I’m a little unclear on the “opportunity” here, but hey, she said it’s the “cutest little school,” that sounds nice… I’ll bite. I shoot back a message:

“Can I get a little more information?”

That was the single worst mistake of my life. McKayleighanne was the fisherman and I was a fifty-pound bass in open water, begging to be reeled in. And, I’m ashamed to admit, she got me, hook, line and sinker, with this message: “Here’s what we do. We recruit stellar girlies like you to join our team and spread the message about La Salle. By joining our team of girl bosses, you will have access to marketing materials that will help you recruit other dreamers and believers. Together, we comprise La Salle University and with your help, we can continue making more money than you can even dream of!”

In my defense, I wanted to make money. I admit, the details of her goal and execution strategy here were a bit unclear, but I felt as though I’d be joining a welcoming community. Little did I know, she wanted to make money off of me.

It wasn’t until I was already four years into the business that I figured that out. Four years of grinding and toiling away with this community of girl bosses, recruiting every poor sucker who fell victim to our trap. Ultimately, the scheme worked like this: first, reach out like McKayleighanne did to me. Second, get the potential recruit to invest a small sum of $1. Third, promise that they’ll get a return on their investment the more people they recruit. Fourth, ask them for another investment a month later, this time at a rate twice the initial investment. And then the next month. And then the next. And then the next.

Before you know it, you’re four years and $281 quadrillion in the hole. Granted, I made back about 10 percent of that by recruiting other girlies. But still, it took me quite some time to realize that this was an extremely effective method of fundraising for La Salle — and an awful investment on my part. I have to give them credit where credit is due; they really cornered the market on vulnerable wannabe girl bosses like me.

As for what they’re doing with all that money, I’m out of the business so I’m not too sure. I did hear rumors that La Salle just got a $1 billion grant and they’re finally using some of that money on their School of Arts & Sciences, but who knows… it is a business at the end of the day, so perhaps Founders’ will get ten more basketball nets because that would be really wise. With all that being said, what I do know is that they really got me. On the bright side, at least they have a lot of funds! And that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

I am in crippling debt, though. So it goes.

The case of the missing bell

Foolegian, Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

For many who have visited La Salle University’s campus, the chapel bell has been heard ringing through the North Philadelphia streets. What if I told you there is no bell? That the university sold the large bell and replaced them with Five Below Bluetooth speakers, specifically the ones that light up. Well you would be a fool to not listen because our source from the Bell Maintenance Department gave us the inside scoop on one of the many ways La Salle kept afloat during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

With shutters covering the windows, no one can tell, but behind them, one will see a bell tower with no bell *shock*. Inside, people now see a bell tower, no bell, but two speakers facing the direction the bell swings back and forth, recordings of the bell taken prior to the sale. Even though bronze is worth $2.75/lb, the university needed to sacrifice more than just half of the school’s teams and cutting the men’s basketball budget was not one of them. Now, a church bell does weigh 4.1 tons according to Google and after I did (struggled) the math, that bell was apparently worth $22,550 and while that number very well could be wrong, it also is probably still less than the men’s basketball budget. 

The speakers are top of the line, five year old, stolen from the Union, LED display Bluetooth speakers. The same type is used in pretty much every frat on campus. Apparently, for the first two weeks, they forgot to turn off the lights so the shutters changed colors all night. This led to multiple reports and the suspicion of aliens hiding in the bell tower. Our source, a worker from the bell maintenance team confirmed that the bell is not aliens or even a bell, just two speakers hanging next to a window on a hook, blasting bell sounds. Someone searched for the aux chord and played music and to see how long it takes for anyone to notice.

Hosts get into altercation at La Salle TV Awards | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Thin Willy, Celestial Entity

On March 27, 2022, during the live television broadcast of the 30th annual La Salle TV Awards (LTVAs), host of LTV’s game show “Q&A” and LTV producer Gregory Shannon, the then-nominee and eventual winner of the LTV Award for Best Producer, walked onstage and slapped “SportsLine” Producer Isaiah Clark across the face as he presented the LTV Award for Best COM 408 Documentary Feature. Just before, Clark was seen stuffing his face full of mini-M&M’s, Shannon’s favorite snack, at the snack table. Shannon, who has had an on-going addiction to mini-M&M’s during the months following the awards, was initially seen laughing at the joke, rose from the audience, walked onto the stage and slapped Clark in the face. Shannon then returned to his seat and twice shouted, “Keep my mini-M&M’s out your mouth!”

Video footage of the altercation quickly went viral, rapidly accumulating tens of views across multiple platforms and prompting widespread commentary, discussion and debate. It has also inspired several parodies, remixes, memes and jokes.

During the same ceremony, Shannon went on to win the LTV Award for Best Producer for his portrayal of La Salle graduate Jack Rohr in the series “Q&A.” In his acceptance speech, Shannon apologized to the studio and colleagues, but not Clark.

Following public backlash, Shannon issued a formal apology on Instagram and Facebook posts. Shannon referred to his own behavior as “not 100 percent” and “not pushin’ P.” Shannon went on to directly address  Clark: “I would like to publicly apologize to you, Clark. I was out of line; I was off the gloop and I was wrong. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness. Except for in Brooklyn… And Central Jersey, especially Central Jersey.”

Some sugar-addicts have spoken out about how the incident has made them feel worried about the possibility of more confrontations and may be more careful about the snacks they eat at college television award shows. “La Salle TV News” claims this fear stemmed from the unresponsiveness of the umbrella group behind the LTVAs, the Young Broadcasters Academy, just after the incident and felt that the owners of the studio where they might perform may act in a similar manner.

On March 28, 2022, the day after the incident, Young Broadcasters announced that it launched a formal review of the incident. The studio’s board of producers disclosed plans for a full meeting to explore further action and consequences in accordance with their Bylaws, Standards of Funny Men and Philly Law scheduled to take place on the Wednesday following the incident. Jonathan Colella, the Young Broadcasters Co-President, issued a subsequent letter to studio members, noting that he thought the incident was extremely funny and he wants to see Clark be slapped again, but since Clark is also co-president he is being forced to figure out some sort of punishment for Shannon.

Cake

Foolegian, Satire
Linda’s Best Recipe’s

David O’Brien, Managing Editor

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup white sugar
  • ½ cup unsalted butter
  • 2 large eggs
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 ¾ teaspoons baking powder
  • ½ cup milk

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 F (175 C). Grease and flour a 9-inch square cake pan.

Step 2
Cream sugar and butter together in a mixing bowl. Add eggs, one at a time, beating briefly after each addition. Stir in vanilla.

Step 3
Combine flour and baking powder in a separate bowl. Add to the wet ingredients and mix well. Add milk and stir until smooth. Pour batter into the prepared cake pan.

Step 4
Bake in the preheated oven until the top springs back when lightly touched, 30 to 40 minutes.

Recipe Source: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/17481/simple-white-cake/