Tragic: You Have the Urge to Go to Treetops After Dark Only to Realize They are Closed on Monday Nights

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

via La Salle University

You are sitting in your room on La Salle campus on a cold, bitter Monday at 10:30 at night, and you are starving. Wing Wong House on Ogontz Ave is now closed, so this is not an option for you. It is too late for Explorers Den and you are too broke for Explorers Den. Depression. However, the lightbulb floating above your head shone bright. “Didn’t I hear that Treetops is open for late nights?” This sentence continuously rings in your mind as you sit there silent, your mouth salivating at the thought of the possible dog food you could be consuming from Treetops Cafe.

Your mind has been made up; Treetops Cafe will be feeding you tonight. You go on the La Salle Portal to see the exact hours they are open for and the menu items you could choose from. Tragedy hits. After being redirected to “La Salle Dining”, you see the hours. Late Night. 9 PM to 1 AM. Your heart drops. Tuesday-Saturday. “What are the #@&%ing odds, bro.” You will not be having Treetops tonight. 

A Letter to the Philadelphia Eagles

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

Dear Birds,

First off, I’d like to say congratulations. I can only imagine how exciting it must be to be going to the Super Bowl after winning the NFC Championship on your own home turf, or so I have come to find out, your own home reinforced natural grass (a type of grass that uses artificial fibers to stabilize the grass blades and roots that is also known as “DD GrassMaster”). It would have been really awkward for Jalen Hurts to sing the Eagles fight song in San Francisco, where a significantly lesser Eagles crowd would have done their best to be heard all the way in south Philly, although I’m sure they would have figured it out. I can’t imagine how proud all of your mothers must have felt watching you all play your hearts out. It almost brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. And now, Donna Kelce must be so excited to go to Arizona and see her sons doing what they love, together.

Second, I’d like to thank you on behalf of the city of Philadelphia. We, of course, went out to City Hall and wreaked a good kind of havoc, climbing greased poles and standing atop the Ritz-Carlton awning in a kind of solidarity that can only be found in the city of brotherly love. Never would I have ever though that hearing “Fly Eagles, Fly” six times on a subway car from Olney to City Hall would not annoy me, or that “Dreams and Nightmares” playing at overlapping times from three different speakers on the corner of Broad and South Penn Square would not confuse me, but rather bring an extraordinary sense of elation. Thank you for the sense of unity felt while crossing Ogontz and knowing that the cars honking at me are not doing so to catcall me, but rather to say “Go Birds,” a true term of endearment of the greatest city in the world. 

And finally, I would like to personally thank you for allowing people of all backgrounds, sizes and creeds to feel the excitement of the city. As someone who did not grow up understanding the rules of football yet still watching what I thought to be a good team (sorry to the Baltimore Ravens, but do better), the comradery of the Philadelphia Eagles is extended to anyone sporting green, black and white. They don’t care if you’re from the city, they don’t care if you understand the rules of the game, and most importantly, they don’t care if you don’t like them. And that, I’ve come to learn, is what it’s all about. So thank you, and good luck!

Sincerely,

A newly-found Philadelphia sports fan

Via j_angjirai, Twitter

The Awkwardness of Going Home

Satire, Uncategorized

Emily Allgair, Editor

Don’t get me wrong, at the end of last semester, I too, was ready to go home and take some time off from papers, readings, and what have you. But I’m from a small town where everyone knows everything about everyone, so running into people who know too much about you comes with the territory.

There’s a coffee shop, my favorite one, right down the street from my house. So when I would have to do work or wanted to catch up with someone I wouldn’t mind seeing over break, I’d set up shop there. This, however, is a tricky decision because it’s also the only coffee shop in my town that isn’t a Starbucks or Dunkin. 

via YouTube

Maybe it’s just me, but when I knew I would be going out to any place that risked seeing someone I wasn’t friends with, I would mentally prepare myself for the following:

Oh my God! How are you? Where do you go to school again? You like it? Oh, good! Yeah, I’m good! I go to [insert any college ever] and I love it. I know, break is too short. Well, it was nice seeing you!

And that’s only those who don’t care to ask you what you’re studying, when you’re graduating, if you’ve done any traveling through school, etc. 

So yeah, going home is great. But running into people you had no intention of seeing past diploma day is… well, I guess it’s a hazard of the job. And definitely not worth it, at least in my experience. 
If you have experienced this, and don’t really want to anymore, I recommend going out at the most random times of the day, on the most random days. If you’re avoiding current high schoolers, go while they’re in school. If you’re avoiding people from your graduating class, go on like a Tuesday at 2. But, keep in mind, you pretty much always run the risk of seeing someone. And for that, I’m sorry.

LaSalle WBB Player Olivia Johnson Squeaks Past Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa, and the Mancini Twins in Thrilling Student-Athlete of the Week Race

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

via Google

This week saw one of the most intense and close Student-Athlete of the Week races that we have seen at La Salle University. A tradition created by @goexplorers on Instagram, this prestigious award shines honor and class onto its recipients. With the extreme effort put into the decision-making of each week’s winner, the La Salle community knows that whoever wins truly deserved it. In this article, I will be reviewing the efforts of this past week’s nominees: Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa, the Mancini twins, and the winner Olivia Johnson.

Straight out of the gate, Jesus Christ had a historically holy week in his respective field. Giving sight to 3 blind students, giving the ability to walk to 3 handicapped students, and scoring a screaming hat trick against Duquesne in a 3-2 victory for the men’s soccer team, Jesus put up numbers that have not been seen since the fall of Constantinople. If there were not equally impressive performances by the other candidates, this would have been enough to secure the award. When Jesus learned he was nominated, sources tell us, he immediately thanked his Father and started praying the rosary.

Mother Teresa had an unorthodox path to nomination this week, conducting her impressive performance in another country. Traveling to Ghana, Mother Teresa began teaching a group of over 200 impoverished children the way of the Lord. These children found purpose in their life and felt immediately freed. Additionally, she put up an NCAA record 59 in a round of golf, bringing home the A-10 championship, which also happened to take place in Ghana. Quite a coincidence.

The Mancini twins find themselves in familiar territory, being nominated for student athlete of the week for a record setting 167th time. Not only did they place 1st and 2nd in the cross country A-10 championships (with their sister placing 3rd), but they also traveled to Mars in a fight for intergalactic supremacy. Needless to say, they handled the Martians and the Neptunian’s in the 5000M, placing 1st and 2nd. Their performances were truly out of this world.

However, none of these performances come close to the week that Olivia Johnson on the women’s basketball team just had. In a tragic 85-59 loss to Saint Joseph’s, Olivia put up career highs in points, rebounds, and assists. Her final stat line: seven points on two field goals, four4 rebounds, and two assists. The choice seemed fairly obvious to the unbiased committee responsible for picking Student-Athlete of the Week. Olivia Johnsons garnered 75% of the votes and brought in the hardware, capping off a third straight week that a member of the women’s basketball team won the award.  

Icks!

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

It’s that time of year again! The time between Thanksgiving Break and Winter Break; when relationships and situationships are ending. Rather than dwell on what was good and what will be missed, I hope that this article helps you realize just how icky people can be, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. All people are icky, and these situations might help you see just how icky that certain someone really is.

via StyleCaster

1. Chasing a Pong ball

No matter how nonchalant they try to be, it’s never graceful. And the ball just keeps rolling away, always much faster than the speed by which they’re going. It’s just never attractive and always embarrassing.

2. Putting on swimming goggles

The way it pulls the skin back everywhere on their face and the little snap that you hear when they let go of the strap. Not to mention how they look while wearing goggles, not the scuba goggles, those are fine. I’m talking the little, metallic lens-ed goggles. The kind you wore to swim practice during grade school.

3. Walking up the stairs on all fours

There is no need to do that. Our bodies aren’t meant to be in that position so of course they look absolutely ridiculous bent over, knees at a 45 degree angle, butt in the air, and for what? For what?

4. Getting a haircut

Actually getting a haircut isn’t embarrassing, I’m talking about the elements of getting a haircut: the little cape, sitting there with the towel around their wet hair, their wet hair, having the hairdresser pump up the chair… Literally everything that goes into getting a haircut is embarrassing.

5. Orange stains around their mouth after eating spaghetti

I actually gagged thinking about this. The thought of the stains that not even a damp napkin will wipe away. The have-to-scrub-off stains that linger in the corners of their mouths. And you know it only happens when they eat spaghetti like a feral animal, getting the sauce everywhere: on their mouths, shirts, laps, etc. Ew.

6. Waiting for the lifeguard to let them go down the waterslide

Picture this: they’re sitting in an inflatable tube, in some way that isn’t flattering and their body is all squished together, and now they’re at the mercy of some 16 year old who just wants a summer job. Waiting for the whistle to blow, the anticipation kills them. And yes, they are well over the age of where this is acceptable. Like, well over that age.

7. Waiting for the shower to warm up 

They’re just standing, naked, next to the shower, arm extended, hand feeling the temperature of the water. If you really need to get over them, imagine that the water is too cold and they wince and pull their hand back so quickly. It’s just awkward, and nobody’s there to witness it, but you know this one has definitely occurred, if not multiple times a week. 

8. Saying “someone’s in here” when somebody knocks on the bathroom door

They’re sitting on the toilet, possibly fighting demons, when somebody knocks on the door. The sheer panic that they feel wash over them, ‘did I lock the door?’ Yes, but now the hardest part. Their voice is quivering, ‘someone’s in here!’ And of course, they had to add that weird inflection, you know what I’m talking about, as if they aren’t already vulnerable enough in this situation. 

9. Smiling with food in their teeth

They have literally no idea. No clue that there is a lingering piece of spinach in between their front teeth. Their confidence is unmatched, and yet, everyone they are talking to knows this little, totally obvious secret. But because everyone is staring, they keep talking, keeping the focus on this little green leaf.

10. Running after piñata goodies

Imagine the excitement that they feel out of this toy that is meant for children. And no, it’s not a moment of child-like wonder that they feel, it’s embarrassing because they get excited, then run towards the falling candy, pushing their little cousin out of the way because they want more Hershey’s Kisses. They drop to their knees to scoop up as much candy as their adult hands can hold. How embarrassing. 

What I’m Most Thankful for This Holiday Season

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

This week, Explorers from all over are leaving campus to spend some time with their loved ones, whether it be biological families or chosen families depending on how far away home is for some. I know personally, I love being at school and usually am sad to go home, but right now, there is one thing on my mind: food that isn’t from Treetops. 

No vegetables doused in grease, no stir fry swimming in the sauce of my choosing. Just a nice home cooked meal. Arguably the nicest of all home cooked meals, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we are thankful for, and nothing will do that for me like not having to walk a mile uphill both ways to Trops in the freezing cold. Instead, I can sit next to my family and loved ones and eat mashed potatoes that aren’t completely bland and tasteless, turkey that isn’t covered in barbeque sauce, and green beans that are covered in every piece of black pepper ever. 

No hate to Trops, but hate to Trops. But more importantly, thankfulness to my home for letting me not have to see Trops for a whole five days. And oh, what a blissful five days that will be! So, when the time comes to go around the table and express your gratitudes, make sure not to exclude the lack of dining hall food this Thursday. 

Happy Thanksgiving, Explorers.

via Oprah Daily

“Disorderly Conduct”

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

This article is inspired by a conversation that was held on the mobile app ‘Citizen.’

I’m not saying that we were in the right, but we definitely weren’t in the wrong in any way. The alley isn’t on any property that belongs to people other than the students. We don’t have to worry about non-La Salle affiliates living in our neighborhood, especially considering that the alley belongs to us and not those who also pay to live there, too!

If for some reason people in the neighborhood forget that they live across from a college, they should probably pack up their entire lives and find a place that is way cheaper, you know, like anywhere in the increasingly gentrified areas of Philly. It’s not like the people who aren’t affiliated with La Salle plan on being here longer than four years. Haven’t they ever heard of seniority?

Plus, La Salle is a dry campus. I know that you’re probably wondering how they were serving alcohol on 20th this past weekend and at sports games if that sentiment is true, but trust me, no one is allowed to drink on our campus – just ask the security guards that don’t let the townies inhabitants bring in six pack after six pack through the gate! So, we have to drink in the alley – it’s quite literally the only place that alcohol is allowed to be consumed throughout our dry campus, not to mention that drinking in the alley is our God-given right.

And if your main concern is the littering that occurs, in a small amount may I add, don’t worry! Often enough for the people of Olney’s neighborhoods to notice, we hold trash bashes and community clean-ups to better the environment of our campus. If we aren’t in the classroom, we’re walking up and down Olney with trash bags in-hand! 

As for our participation in the community, La Salle students are arguably more involved in the neighborhood community than they are in school-affiliated extracurriculars. We attend every single neighborhood-sponsored community outreach and community clean-up. We feel a strong connection to our neighbors and look forward to building this sense of community, offering them our personal beer, liquor and a bunch of food, and especially when speaking to them on threads about us on Citizen!

If you take one thing away from this article, I hope it’s that La Salle students view this neighborhood as way more than a place to use at the expense of those that live here, but rather as a place that we should leave better than we found it. And if you’re struggling to find my article to be a dependably accurate reflection of the feelings of those within the neighborhood of Olney, just check our Instagram pages, a social media platform (run by us) that is way more reliable than the voices of those who share our community!

via Citizen App

Financial Aid Office Celebrates Two Weeks Technology Free with a Pizza Party

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

via dreamtime

Reliance on cell phones and technology is a serious pandemic that plagues our society. People are being transformed into incoherent zombies while scrolling through their “For You” pages on Tiktok watching other zombies dance for a living. However, La Salle’s own Financial Aid Office has combated this issue head first in a truly inspiring fashion. For the last two weeks they have vowed to put the phones and computers away and enjoy life as it was meant to be enjoyed. “We really feel as though computers have become our whole life; our job even. This had to change,” someone close to the situation explained to me. They continued, “Why sift through email after email when we could be outside tossing a frisbee and admiring mother nature?” The Financial Aid Office is now two weeks clean of the filth that was their job of the past, and while many emails have gone unread and unanswered, many lifelong memories and friendships were made outside of the office. 

The office had a pizza party to celebrate this great accomplishment; the pineapple pizza was the big hit of the night. Of course, the only rule at the party was no technology. “Do we miss our old life? From time to time we get the urge to check our phones and scroll through our emails. However, we quickly remember that many people rely on us to do that, so we decide not to. It’s truly for the best in my opinion,” another participant in this technology cleanse told us. The night concluded with a bout of karaoke, with songs ranging from the ever so popular “Dancing On My Own” by Callum Scott to “Dior” by Pop Smoke. Even with the lack of phones, computers, and technology in the office that night, the environment and overall emotions shared were truly electric.

The Host With the Most?

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

At the end of last week, I got a text from my cousin out of the blue asking if he could visit for the weekend. Of course, I offered up our air mattress and went down to 30th Street with my roommates to pick him up, but it got me thinking. What is the right way to host someone in college? Especially someone who doesn’t know your roommates, friends, school, or city?

Like, we went to Reading Terminal, got a cheesesteak, of course, then we went back to our apartment and took naps. Exciting, I know. And my cousin was the one who said he needed a nap, but thank God he did because I wouldn’t have known what to do for those couple of hours. As we all know, there isn’t much to do in the daytime around here unless it’s to visit Frogro and that Game Stop that’s consistently locked up. 

He claims to have had a good time, and I attribute that to my gaggle of friends who had special showings of their personalities after the hour of midnight, but seeing as Homecoming is this upcoming weekend and I have a friend coming to visit, it got me thinking. What would you do to entertain people on this campus (besides the obvious pizza and Pepsi, as Father Frank would say, once it gets dark)? What have you done to entertain visitors on this campus? 

Should I show her the new commuter lounge? Maybe the miniscule view of the city that you can see in the back corner of Holroyd 355? How about the Packcity locker with our logo printed on it? If she seems bored, I could probably take her to the arcade games in Union. But actually guys, what do you show people when they come to visit? Feel free to send me an email with anything that may point me in the right direction, I’d really appreciate your input.

allgaire1@lasalle.edu

via SWOOP Analytics