Cities Of Detroit And Cleveland To Fight For Custody Of La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Team: La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Week In Review 5/1/23


Nicholas Signoretta, Editor

Custody court is no laughing matter. (Just ask my dreaded ex-wife, Sheila)

This Wednesday, May 3rd, the United States Supreme Court is set to hear a heated custody case concerning the cities of Detroit and Cleveland and their battle to attain sole guardianship of the 2023 La Salle University women’s lacrosse team.  The Explorers capped off a thrilling 0-15 season this past Saturday with a 16-3 home loss to the Davidson Wildcats (11-5, 6-3), which caught the eyes of both Rust Belt cities and spawned this past weekend’s dispute.  Both urban dumpster fires were inspired by La Salle’s winless campaign, bringing back fond memories of each city’s own victoryless trainwreck seasons (the Detroit Lions went 0-16 in 2008, and the Cleveland Browns matched this record in 2017).  The rush for the lacrosse team’s talent was also inspired by both metropolises’ desire to preserve their mark as the biggest losers in the modern sports culture, although many are scratching their heads wondering how the gain of thirty or so college lacrosse players will help those two NFL teams continue their descent to athletic irrelevance. While the idea behind the fight for the Explorers’ lacrosse team is not already confusing enough, more news from inside the case is creating shockwaves throughout the sports world.

The latest from behind the scenes is painting the narrative that, to nobody’s surprise, neither city really has any redeeming qualities to build a case upon.  While each city’s legal team has been working tirelessly to come up with arguments for their respective client’s case, time is winding down and the opening gavel is inching closer and closer, yet it is being reported that neither group can really find a single positive attribute to sway the decision in their city’s favor.  “When it comes to Detroit and Cleveland, I don’t think a single good thing has been brought up yet,” stated Cleveland’s lead attorney, Reese Witherspoon.  “I’m not really sure what I am even in on the case for,” continued Witherspoon, “I tried to explain to the Browns’ upper management that I wasn’t really a Harvard Law School graduate and that I was only acting, but they insisted I was the woman for the job.”  Sources report that Cleveland’s higherups first sought out Gregory Peck of 1962’s “To Kill a Mockingbird” to lead their legal team, only to discover Peck had passed two decades ago.  Cleveland then looked up other famous lawyers, but Detroit had already beaten them to the rights to sign “Better Call Saul” actor Bob Odenkirk.  Neither side has actually contacted anyone with real legal experience, further displaying both front offices’ incompetence regarding the acquisition of talent.

Either Detroit or Cleveland. (The difference is marginal)

The La Salle Collegian will be bringing updates concerning the trial all week, including if the women’s lacrosse team can get the trial postponed to a later date dependent on either the Explorers winning a game next season or a nicer city like New York, Los Angeles, or Miami going winless and joining the battle for custody.

From The La Salle Collegian, this is Nicholas Signoretta reporting.

Saying Goodbye


Emily Allgair, Editor

via Dreamstime

Saying goodbye can be difficult. In fact, it can be one of the most difficult things to do at this point in our young adult lives. Saying goodbye can also be one of the easiest, least stressful things possible.

Let’s be honest, we’ve all ghosted someone in some capacity. Whether it’s that weird guy you met on said dating app that won’t stop messaging you even though you sent a one word answer once, or it’s that possible employer who didn’t seem to have their stuff together and you decided you actually don’t want to work for them but didn’t know how to say it professionally, or even that weird girl who asked for your number in your Stat class, you have ghosted someone. 

Maybe you’re sitting here thinking that’s not your style. Okay. But you’ve definitely done this in some capacity to someone once. 

So when May 13th rolls around, remember this cold-heartedness that we all know you’re capable of and Irish-goodbye some of those people you’ve met over the course of your time here at La Salle. 

With that being said, it has been my pleasure to be your 2022-2023 Satire Section Editor. For those of you who are not graduating (and even if you are), be sure to tune in to the Collegian come this fall. Until next time.

Editor’s Note: Don’t actually leave without saying goodbye. Some of these people really helped shape your last four years and they deserve to know what they mean to you. Keep in touch if you can, and if you can’t, at least send them off with good thoughts.

Lyle Crocodile Charged With Vehicular Manslaughter and DUI Charges, Could Face Up to 10 Years in the Slammer


Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer


New York City, New York – Child star Lyle Crocodile was arrested early Saturday morning at approximately 3:45 A.M. in downtown New York. Blowing a .27 on the breathalyzer, Lyle was apprehended by officials after pancaking a Prius going 120 MPH through a 4-way intersection. We could not get a quote from Lyle himself, but we got to ask the police a few questions as they were handling the situation.

“It was a red light. He went 120 through a red light,” says Chief Officer Brian Smith. We see this often, child stars who go off the rails after their career does not pan out as they had expected. In an interview only a few weeks ago, Lyle told reporters “La La La La La…” It was extremely apparent he was on drugs during this, which we expect to be either ecstasy or crack cocaine. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Breaking: President Joe Biden was Not Sleeping; He was only Resting his Eyes


Ethan McGlone, Staff


Washington, D.C. – “Joe…JOE!!!” The screams from Jill Biden echoed throughout the halls of the White House. “His eyes were closed so I assumed he was sleeping. I needed to wake him up for his 1:30 meeting.” Jill admits that the job of President is taking a toll on Joe Biden, and he often needs to catch up on sleep. However, this could not be further from the truth. President Biden tells us, “C’mon man, I was just resting my eyes for like 5 minutes. Jill never gets off my back.” Joe was not sleeping. In fact, he was never sleeping at all. 

“I’m actually working on changing my nickname,” President Biden informs. “I have a trademark pending for Sloppy Joe. Those things are pretty good, I’ll tell ya. If I could make my nickname Chocolate Chocolate Chip Joe I would. But, that doesn’t roll off the tongue enough…” Our reporters continuously said “Yeah” and smiled at everything the president told us until President Biden picked up on the fact we did not care anymore. “Anyways…” The interview was over, thankfully. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

ChatGPT Takes On The Collegian Sports Section: La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Week In Review 4/25/23

Satire, Sports

Nicholas Signoretta?, Editor

ChatGPT, but with an explosion. (I already had a stock image of an explosion)

In the absence of the much-maligned sports editor Nicky Signoretta, the people in power at The La Salle Collegian have decided to hop on the latest fad and utilize society’s greatest new piece of technology.  If Signoretta and fellow sports editor Enrique Carrasco cannot write a quality women’s lacrosse article to save their lives, why not let ChatGPT have a swing at it?  The revolutionary artificial intelligence program can write essays and papers for students (or so I have heard), so what is stopping it from climbing the journalism ladder and ascending to point of writing the feature piece for Sports Illustrated?  Using the search prompt shown below, ChatGPT cooked up several potential articles for its dedicated fanbase, and now it is time to dig into the fruits of our little computer friend’s labor.

The input used for this article’s exercise. (Contain your excitement)

ChatGPT: La Salle University’s women’s lacrosse team is a strong and competitive program that has a history of success on the field. The team is part of the Atlantic 10 conference and plays its home games at McCarthy Stadium in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Uninspired Writer: This is not a terrible start.  It reads like a Wikipedia page, but it is the foundation for a lacrosse article for dummies.

The La Salle women’s lacrosse team has a dedicated coaching staff led by Head Coach Caitlin Powers, who has been with the program since 2018. Coach Powers has an impressive lacrosse background, having played at the Division I level herself and coached at both the Division I and II levels before coming to La Salle.

And that was quick.  Already making up a new head coach (she could be an upgrade).

The La Salle Women’s Lacrosse team has a history of success, with numerous conference championships and NCAA tournament appearances. They have also produced many talented players who have gone on to play professionally or coach at the collegiate level.

And we go further into the realm of fantasy.  I do not know what version of La Salle ChatGPT is playing as in MyCareer in NCAA Wolax 23, but the real-life counterpart has not experienced close to this level of success.

In recent years, the team has continued to perform at a high level, consistently ranking among the top teams in the Atlantic 10 Conference. In the 2021 season, the team finished with a record of 7-4, including a thrilling 13-12 win over conference rival George Mason.

La Salle finished 5-9 in 2021.  They did not play the George Mason Patriots that year.

In the 2002-2003 NBA season, Tim Duncan was at the peak of his game and established himself as one of the most dominant players in the league. He led the San Antonio Spurs to a championship victory, earning himself the NBA Finals MVP award in the process.

Duncan’s dominance in that season can be attributed to his exceptional all-around skills as a power forward. He was an excellent scorer, averaging 23.3 points per game, and a great rebounder, averaging 12.9 rebounds per game. He also played outstanding defense, averaging 2.9 blocks per game and 0.7 steals per game.

Moreover, Duncan’s leadership, consistency, and unselfishness were instrumental to the Spurs’ success that season. He was known for his calm demeanor and ability to lead by example, setting a high standard for his teammates on both ends of the court.

Overall, Tim Duncan’s performance in the 2002-2003 NBA season was nothing short of outstanding, and his dominance was a key factor in the San Antonio Spurs’ championship run that year.

Wow!  ChatGPT nailed its analysis on 2003 Tim Duncan.  Not sure how this ended up in a search about La Salle women’s lacrosse, but this might be the most factual statement that this computer spat out.

2003 Tim Duncan. (Not to be confused with Katie Rhodes Duncan)

The moral of the story: ChatGPT knows little about La Salle women’s lacrosse and tons about the dominance of Tim Duncan in the 2002-2003 NBA season.  This upcoming week, the La Salle Explorers (0-14, 0-8) celebrate their Senior Day during their season finale at McCarthy Field against the Davidson Wildcats (10-5, 5-3).  The game will be played on Saturday, April 29th, and will begin at 12PM EST.  The game will be streamed on ESPN+.  Just one last dance left.

From The La Salle Collegian, this is (redacted) reporting.



Emily Allgair, Editor

Everyone you know has a specific walk. Whether they bounce with every step or glide with no sense of motion happening anywhere else, these types of walks become a way to identify people. I used to be really good at impersonating different people’s walks, but alas that time has passed. Now, I just recognize the walks from a distance and wonder where said person is off to. 

For those skeptical of how identifiable a walk truly is, I want you to put your imagination cap on. Think about this: it’s a random Tuesday in January. You are walking home from class when you see someone bundled up in a non-distinct puffer jacket and hat. You somehow, you immediately know it is your roommate. You could tell by the cadence of their steps, the way their arms swing back and forth as they trek, the way that they bounce (or don’t bounce) as they walk. You knew it was them by the sheer way that they walked, and that’s crazy!

People’s personalities influence so many aspects of themselves: mannerisms, appearance, even hygiene. But walking? Maybe I’ll do some research on how personality types impact walking patterns and link my findings in a future article…
Needless to say, walking is normal. But is there a normal way to walk when everyone walks their own specific way? Send me your thoughts at

Nicholas Joseph Signoretta Obituary


Nicholas Signoretta, Editor (How Is That Even Possible?)

Signoretta enjoying his favorite bovine beverage. (mmmmmm, milk)

Nicholas Signoretta, the sports editor for the notable publication The La Salle Collegian, has been found dead in his North Philadelphia estate.  The twenty-one-year-old (twenty-three depending on alternate identification) was found to have passed from what officials are describing as a “milky” overdose.  Sources are reporting that Signoretta was an avid fan of the dairy drink despite roommates claiming he was “definitely” lactose-intolerant.

Suspicions are beginning to swirl around Signoretta’s sudden demise as it marks the second Collegian sports editor to pass in the past six months after Enrique Carrasco’s tragic suicide last October.  Fears revolving around the position and its potentially fatal repercussions have discouraged up-and-coming talent from signing with the critically acclaimed newspaper.  Several editors for the paper have since entered the transfer portal.

Nicholas Joseph Signoretta

October 8th, 2001 – April 15th, 2023

Fly High (Like Kinda High, But Not Has High As Enrique) King

Weirdos: La Salle Edition


Emily Allgair, Editor

Think back to when you were committing to La Salle, maybe even applying if you can. You likely used the Common App and I would say it’s highly likely that you checked a box to ensure your enrollment here: “Are you weird?”

You must have said yes because here you are; everyone at La Salle is weird. There is not one normal person here. If you think you know someone normal, you don’t know them well enough, because I promise you they are weird. Now, this isn’t to say that everyone here is the same type of weird. There are cool-weird people, weird-weird people and secretly-weird people, each with its own characteristics and elements that make them weird. 

I couldn’t possibly write all of these elements and factors out, otherwise I’d be writing a forty-page thesis and to be completely honest, I’m not entirely sure of all of the different idiosyncrasies of the varying weirdnesses here. There’s just always something. And that’s not necessarily bad! It keeps us on our toes, you know? 

It’s also important to keep in mind that if you find someone weird, don’t judge them too harshly, because guess what? You’re just as weird, if not even weirder. So on that note, stay weird and let people be themselves. Catch ya next week.

Food Poisoning: What?


Emily Allgair, Editor

I think I’ve only had real food poisoning twice in my life, but every once in a while, I’ll start to get a stomach ache or start feeling nauseous a few hours after eating. This past weekend, I experienced the latter (luckily). I was able to take some Advil and go to bed before anything bad really happened, but not before sitting on the bathroom floor, contemplating everything that led up to that moment (you know the feeling). 

I know there is definitely science behind what happens when you experience food poisoning, but I don’t really want to know what it is. I think it’s so much cooler to only know that your body thinks it has been poisoned and therefore does everything it can to flush your system. What’s crazy is how quickly your body reacts. And how quickly it can fix the issue (which I guess if it flushes everything out, that makes sense, but still). 

And the different levels of having food poisoning… You can either be me on Easter night, kind of ill to the point of justifying going to bed super early but waking up the next morning feeling fine, or you can be completely down for the count for the next 24 hours and anywhere in between. 

Again, although I am a School-of-Arts-and-Sciences person, I am not really science at all. But the body is crazy! I hope that you could relate to this fascination, but if you know the science behind it, please don’t ruin the magic for me. Very little bewilders me at this point, food poisoning being one of them, so just let me have this one. Thank you.

Guilty Pleasures


Emily Allgair, Editor

What is a guilty pleasure? By my definition, guilty pleasures are things, activities, etc. that bring people joy, but also a sense of shame at the same time. But what’s the big deal about guilty pleasures, anyways? It’s all societal, so what if you like to take selfies, listen to old Justin Bieber or stalk your crush on Instagram? Everyone does it…

I think we should break the stigma surrounding “guilty pleasures” and just call them “pleasures” (maybe not “pleasures,” that sounds kind of weird, but you know what I mean). What’s the point of making people feel embarrassed for, honestly, mundane things that bring them little pieces of joy? Life is crazy enough without having to hide the fact that you think that “What Does the Fox Say?” is one of the most lyrically intelligent songs of our generation, so why get embarrassed?

So the next time you’re cooking or putting on makeup and you start narrating your actions to your non-existent YouTube channel subscribers, don’t stop when someone enters the room. Make it a collab. Give their channel a shoutout. Own what you like and don’t shame people for liking stuff that you don’t. It makes life just a little bit better, and who doesn’t want that?