Hello and goodbye. 

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

First and foremost I would like to say peace out La Salle and thank you to the Collegian for the amazing time I have had as editor as in general as a student. 

In honor of this being my last article as editor of CAKE and Kicks, Emily Allgair and I got together to try the watermelon from the men that sell watermelon on Belfield Ave. 

Spoiler: it’s as good as a watermelon that has sat on the side of the road for two weeks can be. 

The U.S. is janky at this point.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

Call me a communist, but the United States is on some shit to think they can tell me what to do with my body. Everything is held together with some duct tape and superglue with some prayers that everything will be fine, but that doesn’t do shit. After two years of the COVID-19 pandemic, you would think the U.S. government would have realized that what they’re doing is just making the country worse. 

Reverse Roe v. Wade, legal abortions will decrease illegall abortions will continue and increase, putting countless of women and people with vaginas’ lives at risk, even more than they already are. For why? Now, the whole “because God said it was a bad idea” shouldn’t be a reason in anyone’s mind because the separation of Church and state is a thing and guess what, not everyone believes the same things that you do. I’m thinking it has to do with the fact that millions of people died during the pandemic and a large portion of the younger generation has expressed a disinterest in having children of their own. Abortions is one way to also prevent the increase of population, but it is also something that can be controlled. It’s all about control and being the biggest with the most people, even though we are running out of space on a planet not necessarily meant for seven billion people. But is it worth putting half the population at risk, impacting control over one’s body, and impacting both physical and mental health of those who wish for a legal and safe abortions? 

The country is so shady and janky and stupid, honestly just ridiculous at this point no matter your personal opinions. At this point, we need to address the duct tape and superglue because shit ain’t sticking anymore. 

Living rent free

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

I wish you could literally live rent free, but sadly the only rent free lifestyle you can have is in someone’s mind. To live rent free in someone’s mind means that you are always a thought, a moment, a tenant in their mind and you’re not doing anything to cause it. You could have a history that you don’t care about anymore or it could be your friend’s significant other that you have no opinion on, but they have opinions on you, it could even be a stranger. If anyone cares that much about you and your life and you don’t care, you are living rent free. I lived rent free in my friend’s ex’s mind, FOR NO REASON. They always brought me up and thought I was going to do something and lowkey was a reason for several of their fights, when in reality I was just friends with my friend. If you have anyone living rent free in your mind, evict them. Why do you care? It literally does nothing, but causes emotional turmoil and can ruin relationships. Do what I’ve done and become indifferent, no one can live rent free in your mind if you focus on yourself and live your life. 

Should Nick and I do this?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

So Nick and I are thinking of taking a trip. Well actually, Nick asked me if I would drive to Vancouver to see Charli XCX in concert, to which he responded “you have time, it’s in July.” Now we are seriously contemplating renting some sort of vehicle, driving up and then flying home, good idea? Here are some personal pros and cons to the idea we have come up with.

Pros:

Charli XCX concert

It forces Claire to get her passport

A moment in time where we could best do it schedule-wise

At least 2 days worth of Nick and Claire time 

We could vlog it

Aesthetic

Vancouver is cool 

Slay


Cons:

Long drive (about 2 days)

High gas prices 

Flight prices 

At least 2 days of Nick and Claire time 

There’s concerts in the US, DC and Pittsburgh are the closest 

Claire has to get her passport asap

So yeah we’re in a predicament. Keep an eye out for what we do over the summer and send us your opinions, Kunzierc1@lasalle.edu

Why is getting a tattoo sm work?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

I am not good at planning or scheduling for many reasons, mostly because I forget. Since the New Year I have thought about getting a new tattoo and now in April, almost May, I really want to get another one. I have some ideas on what I want and where I would like to get it, but finding a tattoo artist is a struggle. What I want is basic linework, a little bit of shading, just an overall simple tattoo, the type that most people don’t want to do. I get it, it’s boring and basic and everyone is getting line work, which is why I am struggling. I am only finding classic American style artists, ones that focus on color and bigger pieces, and basically ones that would roll their eyes at what I am thinking of getting. Mad respect for all these artists and their specialities, I just want my boring black linework tattoo. If you have an artist that you’ve used please send them my way. 

A love letter to Toast

Satire

Emily Allgair, Staff

Dear Toast,

Firstly, I would like to just say thank you. For your emotional support, for feeding me when I am not fulfilled, and honestly, for everything. No matter how hectic life may be, the subtleness of your crispy bread and melted butter stands as a reminder to enjoy the simpler things of life, keeping me grounded. Whether I need a quick meal on the go, or I am getting over being violently ill, toast is the one thing I know I can count on.

So simple are you, and yet so complex can you become. White bread, wheat bread, whole grain. butter, avocado, jam. No matter what mood I am in, toast can bend to fulfill my desires — something rarely said about another food. Strong enough to hold an overeasy egg, yet light enough to be served on the side of most breakfast plates. A staple, if you will.

So thank you again, not only for what you have already done, but what you will continue to do. With the most sincere love and affection,

Someone who kneads you ❤ 

Why you gotta be two buses?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

Why does a Karen have to throw a fit in an already busy and long line? Because she’s two buses. Why is traffic always there when you’re late? Because it’s a two bus situation. Why is that kid throwing a tantrum with an already flustered and tired parent? Because the kid is two buses. Being two buses means that a person is worsening the already difficult situation for no reason and a two bus situation is when something is already bad, but it is made worse with the addition of another thing. Making a tight turn in one of the busiest cities in the world with one bus is already hard enough, but adding another bus is just unnecessarily annoying. We’ve all had two bus situations in our lives, both literally and figuratively. Next time you’re in one, ask “Why you gotta be two buses” and deal with how sh*tty/annoying it is. BUT, don’t be two buses, that’s just annoying to make an already negative situation worse #f*cked up. 

You know those buses that are actually two buses connected by an accordion in the middle? That’s what we’re talking about. When one bus is just fine, but already difficult enough on its own without having a whole other bus attached to it. This phrase, spoken by some random women in New York City who was watching two buses try to make a tight turn, looked at the situation and spoke simply “Why you gotta be two buses?” Now, she literally meant two buses connected at the center, but the concept behind the phrase still stands, why do you have to make things more difficult than they already are? 

Midwest emo spring 

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

It just do be like that. It’s cold and rainy and just a general stressful time of the year for many. As a graduating senior, I can say that midwest emo music really fits the moment for many during the mid-spring season. People want to have fun and drink Friday beers, but life is just not letting them so they’re sad about it, while there is likely more than just that going on, the desire to have fun but reality of stress makes everything very midwest emo. Different from regular emo, midwest emo has a brighter sound within their music and draws inspiration from indie music as well. The singers can’t really sing, but it fits very well with the melodramatic lyrics and chorus that will send you into a crisis. I say, embrace the music and let yourself have a midwest emo moment just this once. 

Ranking internet challenges 

Satire

Emily Allgair, Staff 

10. Banana Sprite Challenge
Absolutely foul. Putting aside the fact that this challenge results in vomiting, the flavor combination alone makes me nauseous. Also, why would you do a challenge where the “prize” is throwing up? Like just pull trig if you’re that desperate, but to each their own I suppose. 

9. Kiki Do You Love Me
Catchy song but dumb premise. That’s all I have to say.

8. Tide Pod Challenge
I don’t actually know of anyone who participated in this challenge, but I do know that Boomers and Gen X thought that this challenge would be the death of every single Gen Z-er on the internet. That fact alone made the Tide Pod challenge worthy enough to be placed on this list.

7. Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge
Not super dangerous, just super funny if your lips were bruised for a couple of days. Ranked so low because this challenge is, in my opinion, kind of mundane.

6. Cinnamon Challenge
Glozell remains superior to this challenge, but this challenge did end up putting some people in the hospital seeing as the cinnamon actually burned some esophaguses…

5. Salt and Ice Challenge
Brilliant but dangerous. There was one case where an adult babysitter did it to the child she was being paid to watch. Yes, this was a case of sheer stupidity, but as you will see with the next few challenges, points are docked for the opportunity for participants to be so dumb.

4. Ice Bucket Challenge
The ALS Ice Bucket challenge raises awareness for ALS research. Although this is a great cause, the initial point was to make a donation in addition to dousing yourself with ice cold water — something that most people who partook ended up dropping the ball on.

3. Mannequin Challenge
This challenge allows room to get creative. If you’re just frozen still in a normal position, you aren’t doing the challenge the way it was intended to be done.

2. Saltine Challenge
The fact that this challenge is attainable makes it ranked so highly. Although difficult due to the sheer dryness of the cracker itself, eating six saltine crackers in 60 seconds can indeed be done.

  1. Planking
    I don’t even need to explain this one. Whoever thought it would be funny to just lie completely stiff deserves at least a Nobel Peace Prize.

They’re trying again with “Percy Jackson”

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

During the early to mid 2010’s, fantasy teen books controlled the underbelly of popular culture among the late elementary, middle school and early high school years. With people obsessing over various fantasy book series and their film adaptations, film studios were riding the success of the “Harry Potter” series and “Twilight Saga” wave. A book series that is amazing, but has major flops for movies is sadly the beloved “Percy Jackson” series. 

*and so we enter the section where I expose all of the knowledge I have about this book series as well as how much I still care that this remake is good*

Fitting into the “Harry Potter” “I’m so cool look at my powers” and chosen boy route, the books detail the life of Halfblood (half human and half Greek god), children neglected by half of their parents, hitting puberty, and fighting monsters all at once *gasp.* The main character, Percy Jackson, is the son of Poseidon and is the child of the prophecy who will either save or end the Olympians and their rule over humanity. Homie has a bestfriend who is half goat as well as the classic enemies to lovers story line that a middle aged white guy wrote about twelve to eighteen year olds. The books, like I mentioned, are great, a 10/10 read — the movies: not so much. 

The first film came out in 2010 and scored a solid 49 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, but overall wasn’t the worst. Like most book-to-screen adaptations, there were parts missing and added to make the film seem more appealing overall. The worst changes were that the characters were sixteen instead of twelve, which made everything less impressive and much more moody. They didn’t fit some of the most important details in, and idk I just feel like it could’ve been better. 

There is no saving the second film that came out in 2013. All of the semi-redeeming qualities of the first one cannot be found within the second one and I think the 42 percent Rotten Tomatoes score was generous. 

Now, ten years later they’re trying again and actually making the characters the correct ages. They just casted Percy and people don’t hate him, even though Logan Lerman was a great cast the first time, he was old. Idk I just hope it’s good. But, let’s not get our hopes up so the let down isn’t as severe.