Why you need a thneed

Classified Ads

David O’Brien, Editor

All Images: Universal Studios Family

A thneed is a versatile object that serves numerous different purposes and needs, including: shirt, sock, large glove, hat, carpet, pillow, sheet, curtains, covers for bicycle seats, hammocks, toothbrush holders, canary nests, sweatshirts, Thneedle Thoup That Cures Backache Pain And Chest Pain (how this is possible is still currently unknown, doctors hate this one trick), windshield wiper, hair brush, carburetor de-ruster, sweater, umbrella, towel, skirt, pants, blindfold, shoes, cape, swimsuit, sponge, scarf, tightrope, butterfly net, thing for exercise, wig, purse/bag, suit, boxing glove(s), parachute, reusable diaper, runny nose wiper, slingshot, muzzle, jump rope, food (tastes like bread, but without the crust), windshield wiper, mustache brush, mop and pretty much everything else. The thneed is sold for $19.99 and makes a wonderful holiday gift.

While some people claim that the environmental issues surrounding the thneed and the fact its creation has led to mass ecological destruction of truffula trees is reason to boycott its production, they would be wrong.  In 1972, the environmental group known as L.O.R.A.X. protested the textile industry’s use of truffula trees and the ecological impact on numerous species within the forest they are harvested. These protests affected the textile industry on such a mass scale that President Carter was forced to address it. However, when push came to shove, Carter sided with big business rather than the environmentalists. While the thneed market did originally harm the environment, over time the animals within the forest have moved. As time has gone on the truffula forest has evolved to become an economic hub with a beautiful culture. While protests by L.O.R.A.X. sometimes re-emerge in the news cycle, overall the business seems to be booming. In the post-COVID world, it is important to shop at valuable businesses with good products and clearly this fits the description. By supporting Thneed and Co. you are not only stimulating the economy, but receiving a wonderful and affordable product and even supporting the Truffula Village’s economy.  (This article has been paid for by the Thneed and Co. Industries.)

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