Anthony Pantalone, Editor

Legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese has announced his next film after the release of “Killers of the Flower Moon” in October 2023. In a shocking turn of events, the famed director has set his sights on La Salle University as the subject of a new major motion picture. A CGI de-aged Robert De Niro in a fedora will star as La Salle University President Dan Allen.

When The Collegian reached out to ask about the upcoming film, Scorsese remarked, “How did you get into my house? Get the #@$% out! I’m calling the police!”

Not much is known yet about the movie, but industry insiders have been able to leak some details to reporters. Scorsese is eyeing La Salle as the tapestry for a four-hour operatic epic with a spirited cast of characters. The story is of a school and student body at an impasse. Will it survive through financial turmoil? What will happen to La Salle students if this institution fails? With less funding for sports and campus activities, what can the students even do outside of class?

One pivotal sequence in the film is described to show De Niro’s Allen deliver a commencement address at Graduation as funds for the liberal arts and student clubs are all simultaneously slashed by hitmen.

Al Pacino has signed on to play Fran Dunphy—a coaching legend who must come out of retirement to aid a floundering basketball program. Sources indicate that Pacino’s turn as the renowned Coach Dunphy will make major waves come awards season. Also, Leonardo DiCaprio appears on the cast list as Dr. John Giannini. DiCaprio will not actually appear at all in the film but will still be paid $603,217 for some reason.

Speaking of basketball, there will be a classic western showdown between Enrique Carrasco and the entire men’s basketball program in the middle of Hansen Quad. You think Carrasco is outnumbered now? Just wait until he has to outrun a cavalry of basketball players on electric scooters. Enrique can try to get away and hide, but little does he know that the men’s team can take their own private jet.

Adam Sandler will play himself. When our team reached out for his comment, Sandler responded, “Oh yeah, the role really connected to me. Of course, too, I couldn’t wait to get back to Tom Gola Arena. Have you seen the big neon “L” they have in there? It’s incredible. I just-I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It’s…beautiful. It’s—” Adam tears up and stops for a minute.

“Plus, they offered me $50K they had lying around they otherwise would have used to save the men’s water polo team.”

If you’re thinking “Where do I have to go to watch this piece of cinema?”, fret not! The film will only be available on the Explorers+ streaming network with a variety of prices for our struggling student body. You can choose the low rate of $1000 per month or upgrade to the 2020 Bundle!

The 2020 Bundle is completely identical to the normal price…but includes a legally binding pledge that you will pay despite it being online.

David O’Brien, Editor-in-Chief

I go to the beach. People walk around. They all behave strangely. They play music on twenty dollar speaker and drown out the calming sound of the waves. They put up umbrellas to block the sun. The sun is good for you! Stop putting on sunblock! Sunblock is carcinogenic. The sun has been a source of vitality for thousands of years but now its bad? This makes no sense. At least use coconut oil or something natural as sunblock if you feel like it is necessary. People refuse to swim in the ocean. This makes more sense, water can be cold. But ocean is mighty and healing. Scientists say man came from the ocean. Evolved from some kind of fish. I agree. The ocean restores vitality. The salt and the water is healing. Man was meant to enjoy the waves and the salt. Don’t believe me? Watch Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson movie, The Lighthouse or read Melville’s Moby Dick or Yukio Mishima’s novels Sound of Waves or Sailor who Fell From Grace. I ask you, what is going on? Why go to beach if all you do is sit away from ocean, block out sun, block out reality. Is it strange I like water and sun? Is it strange? Why am I bad guy for asking people stop playing music? I like musics. I listen to many musics from Eminem to Mozart. I like umbrella, I find women who carry them with long white gloves very classy. I do not always want to swim and personally am not a big fan of salt water. Not at beach. Do you understand what I am saying?

Things smell bad these days. Has anyone else noticed this?  Today, I bought a lemon pledge and wiped down my furniture because I like the smell of cleaning supplies. Is this okay? I like the smell of chemicals that give me cancer more than the new smells they have been making. I suppose I am willing to knock off a few years of my life for the smell of delicious lemon pledge. If only lemons tasted as good as lemon pledge smells. Do you understand? We allow ourselves dangers to our health to live a good life. Many choose to smoke despite knowing its cancerous. Why? It feels good. Many choose to drive, knowing they are significantly more likely to die behind the wheel. It is preferable to live a life of risk in car than a life of boredom or fear. I feel this way about lemon pledge. It is a danger I accept to live a good life. Many things, people, places, etc. smell bad these days. If I was president, I would pass law to make things smell better. I want a world of lemon pledge. It may be unnatural but some aspects of industrialism are beautiful and great. Some bring us closer to god. Lemon pledge is great. (This is not an ad) Many aspects of modern world is a dangerous concrete jungle or iron prison, however creature comforts are few and far between. Life is meant to be enjoyed. We all have a lemon pledge. What’s your lemon pledge? Perhaps you prefer Pine-Sol. It smells good but not as good.

I have been asked by many if I suffer from mental illness. Why? Because I do not like parking lot world? Because I liek the smell of manufactured lemons? Because I think Breyer’s Natural Vanilla is better than hard drugs? Is it because I celebrate Handsome Thursday on Wednesday? Is a man mentally ill for enjoying the fruits of life and revolting against evil. Who is really mental ill, the man who wishes to escape the iron prison or the man who demands that not only do you stay in the iron prison but also demands you enjoy living in the iron prison. What does this even mean? Where am I? Is college a form of social control? In the movie My Dinner with Andre, Andre refers to New York as a place that everyone wants to leave but simultaneously refuses to. He argues that it is a prison where everyone inside lives in a state of schizophrenia where htye are both the warden and the prisoner. Is college the same? Philadelphia certainly is. Where can I be free? I seek freedom and joy. This makes me mentally ill to some. Man of power, Howard Hughes once said, “passion will make you crazy but is there any other way to live.” He is viewed as crazy. Man refused to leave house for years. However, he was man of power, truly free. He flew fastest planes, made many movies, was richest man in world, truly a man of great life. Better life than many. Imagine the joy of flying the Spruce Goose, a flying boat. Imagine producing your own movie. If that is illness than I happily accept diagnosis. Who is more ill, the schizo in New York or the recluse who follows his dreams. Does this make any sense? Am I understood? Does saying this make me bad guy? Am I enabling illness or am I pointing out that many have a much more dangerous undiagnosed illness of mass schizophrenia. Yes reader, you might be schizo, in fact, you probably are.

I find myself with my inner barbaric desire to steal more often these days. Some say stealing groceries to feed your family is evil?! I disagree. Ever watched Les Miserables??? The thrill of the hunt re-emerges when stealing a klondike bar. It awakens the hunter within me. It offers the reward of calories in exchange for the thrill of being hunted potentially. I have been banned by several Chili’s for stealing numerous dishes from various tables. Buffalo Wild Wings kicked me out after eating several plates of the “free” lemons. Am I evil for being hungry? Am I evil for being RAVENOUS? I disagree. I live in a concrete world of poor smells and people who hate the beach. How wrong is it to steal a steak when the government steals my taxes from me. My teachers steal my time. Everyone is a thief. You are a thief. I am not a monster. You can call me what you will but I am much closer to a prophet than a monster. Many live as monsters without even realizing it. Does knowing this make me a “bad guy?” Do you understand?

If Kafka could get a glimpse of my life, your life, all modern life, he would weep knowing he could never produce anything that even pales in comparison to the malicious absurdity we endure. Industrial world is certainly abnormal. I can only hope a reader grasps the message of these parables. One day, I hope english professor teaches this. Shows future generation the mind of a true degenerate schizo, the mind of a free man, the mind of one who grasps modernity. This seems much more appetizing than marvel movie, young adult GARBAGE.

David O’Brien, Editor-in-Chief

iPhones are satanic. No, I am not joking. You must take this article seriously. I am being fully serious. You should completely believe everything I have to say in the April Fool’s Day edition article I am writing. There is ample evidence to support this claim, iPhones are satanic. It is no new claim that many aspects of the modern world are satanic. Numerous figures support this claim from Alex Jones who warns us about Hollywood psychic vampires to David Icke who warns us about lizard aliens who harvest our negative energy (yes both of these people actually believe this and push these messages and yes you should obviously believe these hard hitting journalists). However, while these figures argue that demons have possessed our elites, I am here to warn each and everyone of you that demons are working towards instituting the age of the anti-christ through iphones and the internet.

First, allow me to explain briefly the dangers of demons and the antichrist. Demons and the Anti-Christ while often portrayed as little monsters with horns or a scary goat man are a lot different than their usual portrayal. Demons are psychic entities. They do not have a direct material form, they influence material forms, they exist within the collective unconscious and the spiritual plain. Numerous theologians and “conspiracy theorists” provide different evidence and ideas surrounding how they cannot appear directly. One of which is “Solomon’s Seal” where King Solomon binded demons to be kept away from the innocent in exchange to spare them from being destroyed by warriors of God like myself. While the innocent are protected, those exposed in this cosmic war are not (like you now that you have read this). God-loving men like myself know these things fight against demons, however others who learn these things use them for personal gain, Satanists like Aleister Crowley have sought to utilize “the keys of Solomon” to manipulate demons into doing his bidding. However, demons are like genies, on the surface they are happy to grant wishes and help those contacting them, however they really are out to get you. Look no further than Carl Jung, who attributed many of his discoveries in psychology to the demonic entity Philemon who possessed him. Yes, he made numerous discoveries but in doing so he was unable to attain the self-actualization he described and was unable to surrender his own ego to the divine (Memories, Dreams and Reflections). The point of all of this being, demons cannot directly show themselves to mankind materially despite many of them desiring the ability to due to the king’s pact; demons can however utilize technology, books, and psychic energy to allow themselves to interact mankind; major figures throughout history have interacted with spiritual entities and in doing so have made major works of both science and art (Giodurno Bruno, August Kekule, David O’Brien, Johann Wolfgang Goethe, Nikola Tesla, etc.) however, how many of these great men were influenced by demons for the sake of allowing this long term scheme of establishing the antichrist? These questions plague my mind!

But where does the internet and iPhones fit into this? If demons cannot interact with the common man directly, what better way is for them to speak to mankind than the internet. That way we can see demons without truly seeing them, hear them without truly hearing them, and most dangerously accept their thoughts into our psyche in a seemingly natural way. Bit of a stretch? Let’s take a look at computer chips… the top half of this image depicts ancient sigils utilized to summon demons and pagan gods, the bottom half depicts a computer’s data chip.

Computer manufacturers are implementing demonic sigils into your computer to allow you access to the internet! This is the genie’s wish. Oh geez I love the internet surely nothing bad will happen with opening pandora’s box!!!

What is an iPhone? It is a black cube you use to access the internet. Yes, it does other things. I do not care about those things. For the sake of this article I do not care about phone calls, text messages, and things that are normal. I care about the internet and that we access the internet through black cubes. Many ancient pagan cults believed that pagan gods resided within black cubes and meteorites. Occult circles have brought this back into vogue (Guenon, Veil of Isis). iPhones are black cubes. Perhaps… demons reside in these ones like they once resided in ancient meteors!

There is a conspiracy theory, we the collegian, joke about often. It is called Time Cube. Where a man theorizes that clocks are measured incorrectly. He argues time is not a circle, it is a cube. I would have to say that he is on to something. The material world is cubic. The cross can be viewed as a deconstructed cube. Perhaps the crucifixion is a sign of deconstructing not only pagan idols but also deconstructing the material world to allow man to transcend it towards the divine. The circle is transcendental. God is a circle. There are no edges or endings on the circle, only one line or perhaps a million that go on forever. Circles are eternal. Would phones be better as circles rather than cubes? Could they still harness demonic power? Who knows? Either way, I have provided evidence that black cubes are symbolic of pagan/demonic worship as well as a sign of worshiping the material world and rejecting true transcendental divinity. 

What’s the goal of worshiping black cubes and working with demons? What do demons want? Demons want the antichrist to be restored. The goal is for you to lose your humanity and become one with the internet. AI uses data about you. One day, AI will pretend to be sentient but AI has no soul, it has no divine sparks as the gnostics put it. Do not allow yourself to fall for the trick! Do not allow yourself to become one with technology, it is a satanic ploy!

Our elites have been warning us about this for years. In 1957, the movie “Kronos” was released where a giant black cube possesses people using electricity. A black cube is possessing mankind with the powers of technology to do its bidding… In 2017, David Lynch’s Twin Peaks the Return, following the atomic bomb malicious entities begin possessing people to harvest energy. Unprecedented technological power leads to mankind being possessed to do monster bidding… In the 1988 movie, “They Live,” lizard aliens possess people and have brainwashed mankind to follow their agenda through technology and media. Technological power leads to mankind being possessed to do their possessors bidding… In the 2012-2016 animated series “Gravity Falls,” the demon Bill Cipher possesses a scientist to help create a portal to release a world of “weirdness” allowing malicious entities to overthrow mankind. A demon possesses someone and uses technology to help destroy mankind… I can keep going but I think you get it.

What’s the point of all of this? Okay so demons are in my phone and online, what’s their goal? Their goal is to put YOU online so they can take over YOU. They want YOU in the matrix. Don’t believe me? Look at the metaverse. Zuckerberg (talk about a lizard man…) is literally creating a matrix world where you can plug in and give up on living a good life. They want mankind to blend with technology, they want technology men, cyborgs, that they can then possess and use. Demons want to create an antichrist to “save” mankind from itself so then they can destroy God’s world. This is the greatest spiritual battle of our time.

I am not telling you to stop using the internet. I am simply warning you of the demonic scheme. I use Twitter. The internet can be great for teaching yourself things. However the malignant forces of the internet are trying to DESTROY you. How many people are becoming insane from tiktok and having their lives ruined from becoming obsessed with dopamine overdose. Be careful. Stay vigilant. Maybe ditch your iPhone for a flip phone? Limit your screen time. Do not plug in and tune out. Use the internet as a tool because demons are trying to use you as a tool for their scheme to take over the world.