Anthony Pantalone, Editor

Legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese has announced his next film after the release of “Killers of the Flower Moon” in October 2023. In a shocking turn of events, the famed director has set his sights on La Salle University as the subject of a new major motion picture. A CGI de-aged Robert De Niro in a fedora will star as La Salle University President Dan Allen.

When The Collegian reached out to ask about the upcoming film, Scorsese remarked, “How did you get into my house? Get the #@$% out! I’m calling the police!”

Not much is known yet about the movie, but industry insiders have been able to leak some details to reporters. Scorsese is eyeing La Salle as the tapestry for a four-hour operatic epic with a spirited cast of characters. The story is of a school and student body at an impasse. Will it survive through financial turmoil? What will happen to La Salle students if this institution fails? With less funding for sports and campus activities, what can the students even do outside of class?

One pivotal sequence in the film is described to show De Niro’s Allen deliver a commencement address at Graduation as funds for the liberal arts and student clubs are all simultaneously slashed by hitmen.

Al Pacino has signed on to play Fran Dunphy—a coaching legend who must come out of retirement to aid a floundering basketball program. Sources indicate that Pacino’s turn as the renowned Coach Dunphy will make major waves come awards season. Also, Leonardo DiCaprio appears on the cast list as Dr. John Giannini. DiCaprio will not actually appear at all in the film but will still be paid $603,217 for some reason.

Speaking of basketball, there will be a classic western showdown between Enrique Carrasco and the entire men’s basketball program in the middle of Hansen Quad. You think Carrasco is outnumbered now? Just wait until he has to outrun a cavalry of basketball players on electric scooters. Enrique can try to get away and hide, but little does he know that the men’s team can take their own private jet.

Adam Sandler will play himself. When our team reached out for his comment, Sandler responded, “Oh yeah, the role really connected to me. Of course, too, I couldn’t wait to get back to Tom Gola Arena. Have you seen the big neon “L” they have in there? It’s incredible. I just-I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It’s…beautiful. It’s—” Adam tears up and stops for a minute.

“Plus, they offered me $50K they had lying around they otherwise would have used to save the men’s water polo team.”

If you’re thinking “Where do I have to go to watch this piece of cinema?”, fret not! The film will only be available on the Explorers+ streaming network with a variety of prices for our struggling student body. You can choose the low rate of $1000 per month or upgrade to the 2020 Bundle!

The 2020 Bundle is completely identical to the normal price…but includes a legally binding pledge that you will pay despite it being online.