Etiquette

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

via The Wall Street Journal

Fair warning: this article is not an explicit call out. And by stating that, I hope you pick up on the fact that this absolutely is an explicit call out. 

If you are a plus one to a house party, as in someone who does not know the host(s), do not, under any circumstance, participate in the following:

1. Put your frat shoes on the kitchen counters where the hosts prepare their food.

Especially when coming from a frat, like those germs are fresh. These people are nice enough to let you into their home, just keep your shoes on the floor. 

2. Stay longer than the person that brought you when everyone else has left. 

If you’re vibing with everyone, that’s totally fine. But if you and your friends are hiding in the kitchen when literally everyone (I mean everyone) has left because it’s almost three in the morning and the hosts still don’t know your name, maybe you should have left with the person that brought you…

3. Take down house decor and physically pull it apart. 

This isn’t really cool in any circumstance, but especially not when you don’t know the people hosting and you aren’t in a frat house. 

4. Not introduce yourself.

At least ask someone that you didn’t come with what their names are. But if you’re not in the right mindset to do that, a nice attempt at a conversation could work instead. 

5. Ask for drinks that aren’t yours.

Again. These people don’t know your names, who are you to ask for a White Claw? Not even a cheaper drink, like a beer. Also, no one (not even the hosts) are drinking anymore. 

Moral of the story, stick with who brought you and read the room. If you can’t do that, maybe, and hear me out here, don’t come along? Just a thought. 

Oh, and thank the hosts for having you when you eventually do leave. It’s just polite.

British People

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

Here’s the thing: I love British accents, royal weddings and fish and chips just as much as the next bloke, but sometimes when I watch a British movie, I get distracted by how British people look. Not all of them, in fact, some of my personal favorite actors and actresses are British – Andrew Garfield, Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Kaluuya, Florence Pugh, Emma Watson… the list goes on and on. 

Great Britain has some very talented actors, but some of their performances are hindered based on looks. And I know how that sounds, but I’m not calling any of them ugly, at all. Just British. Benedict Cumberbatch, Daniel Radcliffe (adult version), Tom Hiddleston, David Tennant, Rowan Atkinson. All hella British-looking. 

Recently, I watched a movie for an ethics class called Sorry We Missed You and all of the actors and actresses looked so bloody British. Like, to the point where it was distracting. And I don’t really know why I couldn’t process the movie beyond the physicality of the actors, but I missed almost the entire introduction of the movie because I was too busy dealing with how British these people were. Same thing with the 2010 movie Submarine.

This could just be a personal issue, but it’s happened to me enough times to distract from a movie’s plot to the point that I definitely missed something important, but not anything detrimental to the storyline. The moral of the story is that British people can have me absolutely knackered depending on how British they look. Cheers.

Via Getty Images, Rex, PA, Antonio Olmos

Things That Shouldn’t Be Embarrassing But Are

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

via Emily Allgair

1. Blowing your nose in class

You gotta do what you gotta do and everyone in your classroom has blown their nose before, like they know the feeling and will not judge for it.

2. Tying your shoes

Your shoes coming untied literally has nothing to do with you and if anything it’s more embarrassing to be walking with your shoes untied.

3. Carrying an umbrella in the rain

People without umbrellas who are caught in a rain storm are more likely to be jealous of you for thinking ahead than judge you for choosing to stay dry for the rest of the day.

4. Having a crush

Sometimes crushes lead to exciting things and if they don’t, no one has to know that you have one, especially not the person to whom your affection lies. Just keep your own secret and there is nothing embarrassing about having feelings of attraction. 

5. Getting in an Uber (sober)

Literally there is no reason for this one other than the fact that you have to check the license plate number and get in all awkwardly. The ride itself isn’t even embarrassing, it’s just getting into the car and ‘introducing’ yourself to the driver.

6. Having COVID in 2022 

COVID is so 2020, like come on girl it’s been two years. Get over yourself soon.

7. Putting change away in front of the cashier

You just stand there struggling to put the ones into your wallet as they fold in on themselves and there’s a line of people behind you waiting to check out. Like the pressure is on to move quickly and you can’t keep up. 

8. Walking back to your seat after bowling

Everyone is looking at you and sometimes you turn before the ball hits the pins so you have to turn back and look over your shoulder but everyone is still watching you. And the shoes are kind of slippery so you have to change your normal walking pace, it’s just a lot. 

9. Having people sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you

Again, everyone is looking at you. Not even just looking, but serenading you. Like come on, that’s so overwhelming, especially when you don’t really know everyone singing to you or there’s a lot of people. Like what do you do? Do you smile? For the whole time? Do you sing along? I don’t know!

10. Having the hiccups

Going back to the first one, everyone has had the hiccups before and everyone knows that they are uncontrollable. It just feels like everyone is paying attention to you when in reality, again, no one is going to judge you for your diaphragm contracting, like it’s totally normal.     

Dawgs Out

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of going to the greatest city in the world: the one and only, New York City. I had good food, saw my first concert at Madison Square Garden, and got to hang out with great people while visiting, but something overtook my memories of the trip. Instead of remembering all of the crazy sparkly, feathery outfits, I now have the forever-mental image of way too many strangers’ toes. 

Yes, you read that correctly, strangers’ toes. Something that A.) I should never see as often as I had, and B.) I should have never seen in New York City. Like, Times Square, New York City. As beautiful and exciting as that city is, it’s also absolutely disgusting. And an unreasonable amount of people felt comfortable enough to have their dawgs out, barking up and down 8th Avenue. 

The amount of flip flops, Birkenstocks, and (probably fake) Gucci slides that I witnessed was absolutely abhorrent. And something else worth mentioning is that their fancy New York outfits probably would have stylistically looked better with some Pumas or even, dare I say, white Vans. 

Maybe I’m just not used to going to New York City while it’s still hot outside, although it was only in the mid-70’s, but having your dawgs out in any context is a bold choice, let alone in one of the busiest, grimiest cities in the world. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that you should really think through your footwear, and please, for the love of all things, make sure your dawgs are covered if you ever find yourself in New York City. Not just for your own safety and dignity, but also for my personal sanity.

Dawgs out! via Getty Image