Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

New York City, New York – Child star Lyle Crocodile was arrested early Saturday morning at approximately 3:45 A.M. in downtown New York. Blowing a .27 on the breathalyzer, Lyle was apprehended by officials after pancaking a Prius going 120 MPH through a 4-way intersection. We could not get a quote from Lyle himself, but we got to ask the police a few questions as they were handling the situation.

“It was a red light. He went 120 through a red light,” says Chief Officer Brian Smith. We see this often, child stars who go off the rails after their career does not pan out as they had expected. In an interview only a few weeks ago, Lyle told reporters “La La La La La…” It was extremely apparent he was on drugs during this, which we expect to be either ecstasy or crack cocaine. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Ethan McGlone, Staff

Via: https://freebeacon.com/biden-administration/ncaa-bracket-scandal/

Washington, D.C. – “Joe…JOE!!!” The screams from Jill Biden echoed throughout the halls of the White House. “His eyes were closed so I assumed he was sleeping. I needed to wake him up for his 1:30 meeting.” Jill admits that the job of President is taking a toll on Joe Biden, and he often needs to catch up on sleep. However, this could not be further from the truth. President Biden tells us, “C’mon man, I was just resting my eyes for like 5 minutes. Jill never gets off my back.” Joe was not sleeping. In fact, he was never sleeping at all. 

“I’m actually working on changing my nickname,” President Biden informs. “I have a trademark pending for Sloppy Joe. Those things are pretty good, I’ll tell ya. If I could make my nickname Chocolate Chocolate Chip Joe I would. But, that doesn’t roll off the tongue enough…” Our reporters continuously said “Yeah” and smiled at everything the president told us until President Biden picked up on the fact we did not care anymore. “Anyways…” The interview was over, thankfully. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Ethan McGlone, Staff

College, USA – Drama has struck the world of academia as rumors have arisen that the former athletic director at a really prestigious school has a secret that he has been keeping from the world. Ryan Patrice, former AD at a college, refused to comment on this, while also urging us not to take any pho-toes. Thankfully, we could sit down with someone close to him to get more information on the possible reason for his departure. “It’s a shame Mr. Patrice is stepping away from the school. He was a very determined man. When he had a good idea, he would dig his feet and not give up until he finished,” an anonymous teacher told our correspondents. When we asked about his possible foot fetish, the teacher stated abruptly, “Let’s just say I never wore flip flops around the guy.”

For the time being, the extremely prestigious school’s athletics will be run by interim Kathy Newman. “I’m very new to this, so I’ll only be dipping my toes in the water. I’ll feel the temperature and see if I can help in any way.” The first change Mrs. Newman will enact is giving the Track and Field team spikes to wear for their meets. “I do not really understand why our team was forced to run at meets barefoot, but that is a thing of the past.” We are told that Ryan Patrice is planning on surveying colleges in the Florida area for his next job. We suspect this is because the warm weather will lead to more bare dogs being out in the open around campus. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Ethan McGlone, Staff

(via Ethan McGlone)

La Salle University – Wow! If you guys were sleeping under a rock all weekend then you probably have not heard of Dan Frunphy. This newcomer struck onto the scene this past weekend, and he did not look back. From dancing to Rihanna all the way to flirting with basketball superstar Khalil Brantley (and his NFT), Dan stole the hearts of everyone in attendance at the Alpha Sugma Kappa party. A man of culture, Dan even respectfully paid his $5 at the door without starting a fight. The men’s soccer team was not impressed. 

We sat down with the president of Alpha Sugma Kappa to discuss the rise of this young phenom. “The dude is like 70. I don’t know how the hell he got into the party,” Chad Chaddington begrudgingly stated. Seventy years old or not, no one at the party could tell that Dan’s hips were replacements. Needless to say, his hips told the truth all night long. Sources tell us that Dan ended up puking in the bathroom at the end of the night, but this seems like a slanderous comment from a jealous party. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Ethan McGlone, Staff

Boise, Idaho – Big news is currently striking the cow world as Idaho native Beef Wellington is getting pastorized over the weekend. Mr. Wellington has been a lifelong Catholic and just recently finished his education at the Boise State Monastery. After this weekend, his milk will be pure, and his prayers will be even purer. We spoke to individuals close to the situation to gather intel on the magnitude of this accomplishment for the young cow.

“Mooooooo,” exclaimed his mother, Mrs. Beef Wellington. His father, however, is less of a fan of the religious life for his son. “Mooooo,” his father, Mr. Beef Wellington, muttered as we asked him about this career choice for his son. Keep in mind, this is the first stage of the young cow’s journey in the priesthood. If he wants to pursue further goals and become a cardinal, or even the pope, he must first get Ultra-Pastorized. Father Beef Wellington’s first vigil is planned for 3 weeks from now as he becomes acquainted with his new profession. Wish him luck as he begins his journey in the priesthood. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

By: Ethan McGlone

No one can truly know the type of person someone is behind the scenes. We all put on masks, some greater than others, and the White King is no exception to this. Earlier this week, tragic news struck the chess world. The White Rook spoke with our correspondents. “We all spent our entire lives defending this guy and for what? He’s a racist jerk.” Tweets resurfaced from the White King’s childhood where he berated the Black Dark-Squared Bishop in racist tirades throughout multiple tweets. We could not get into contact with the White Queen surrounding this issue.

Some examples of these disgraceful tweets are as follows:

“No game of chess is fair. The Dark Squared Black Bishop literally can jump 2 spaces higher than my white bishops.”

“Everybody cries when the Dark Squared Black Bishop gets captured, but where’s this outcry for the countless number of white pieces that are captured.”

“White Piece Lives Matter”

We did receive an email, however, from the victim of the 25 tweets dating back to 2012. “Fork him.” Needless to say, the Black Dark-Squared Bishop is not a fan of the White King. The scariest part of this whole story for the White Pawns is that anybody could be secretly carrying these thoughts inside. “There was no way of us even knowing he felt this way about the black pieces. Sure, he had a confederate flag in his house, a Blue Lives Matter bumper sticker, a Steven Crowder mug, and a Let’s Go Brandon shirt collection (7 in total), but how could we have known he was racist. It’s impossible to truly know.” From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Join the new Chess Club at LaSalle! Email me at mcglonee1@lasalle.edu for more information.

By: Ethan McGlone

It has become sort of a tradition in Philadelphia for its citizens to climb up street poles after big sports wins. However, the poles have fought back; the declaration of war has been offered. Police officer Marvin Johnson told us, “Everybody knows that we grease up the poles on Broad Street to prevent people from climbing them. They don’t know, however, that we find the greasiest humans and put them in Broad to prevent the poles from retaliating.” This prevention did not prove to be beneficial. Howard Balls is one of the greasy humans that was a victim on Sunday night.

Mr. Balls has not showered in weeks. He only eats red meat. He’s hard stuck in plat on Overwatch. This man is as greasy as it gets. “I was stationed on Broad and after the Eagles lost, I saw the poles causing chaos. They flipped cars, started fires, and one even started sprinting at me. When he went airborne, I knew I was done for.” The pole climbed up this greased up human in less than 10 seconds and stood at the top triumphantly. The Chiefs had won, but the poles were the true winners. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Ethan McGlone, Staff

“He is just so cool.” Cooler Bag breaks down as I try to console him and continue the interview. “I have always lived in my brother’s shadow ever since I was a thermos. He has always been cooler than I have, and that is hard to cope with.” Mr. Bag is a 20-year-old cooler bag from Spokane, Washington, and his very cool brother, Mr. Bag, always steals the spotlight. Cooler tends to carry an internal temperature of around 38 degrees. However, his brother Coolest carries an impressive 36-degree internal temperature. “My parents always told me I was not a mistake, but I do not believe them. No sane bag would want another child knowing they will live in constant agony.” 

Coolest was a prodigy in Spokane ever since he was 8 years old, which was 15 years ago. His name was quickly learned around town when he froze a whole banana in 20 minutes. To say the least, Cooler did not take this well. “He froze a freakin’ banana. The dude is different.” While Cooler may never truly live up to his brother’s legacy, he is slowly learning to accept his role. “I go to therapy twice a week, and my therapist, Ms. Ice Tray, tells me to appreciate the little things in life. She tells me that no one can even eat a frozen banana, so maybe my brother is too cool for his own good. I do not think she knows about smoothies.” From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.