Weirdos: La Salle Edition

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

Think back to when you were committing to La Salle, maybe even applying if you can. You likely used the Common App and I would say it’s highly likely that you checked a box to ensure your enrollment here: “Are you weird?”

You must have said yes because here you are; everyone at La Salle is weird. There is not one normal person here. If you think you know someone normal, you don’t know them well enough, because I promise you they are weird. Now, this isn’t to say that everyone here is the same type of weird. There are cool-weird people, weird-weird people and secretly-weird people, each with its own characteristics and elements that make them weird.

I couldn’t possibly write all of these elements and factors out, otherwise I’d be writing a forty-page thesis and to be completely honest, I’m not entirely sure of all of the different idiosyncrasies of the varying weirdnesses here. There’s just always something. And that’s not necessarily bad! It keeps us on our toes, you know?

It’s also important to keep in mind that if you find someone weird, don’t judge them too harshly, because guess what? You’re just as weird, if not even weirder. So on that note, stay weird and let people be themselves. Catch ya next week.

Food Poisoning: What?

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

I think I’ve only had real food poisoning twice in my life, but every once in a while, I’ll start to get a stomach ache or start feeling nauseous a few hours after eating. This past weekend, I experienced the latter (luckily). I was able to take some Advil and go to bed before anything bad really happened, but not before sitting on the bathroom floor, contemplating everything that led up to that moment (you know the feeling).

I know there is definitely science behind what happens when you experience food poisoning, but I don’t really want to know what it is. I think it’s so much cooler to only know that your body thinks it has been poisoned and therefore does everything it can to flush your system. What’s crazy is how quickly your body reacts. And how quickly it can fix the issue (which I guess if it flushes everything out, that makes sense, but still).

And the different levels of having food poisoning… You can either be me on Easter night, kind of ill to the point of justifying going to bed super early but waking up the next morning feeling fine, or you can be completely down for the count for the next 24 hours and anywhere in between.

Again, although I am a School-of-Arts-and-Sciences person, I am not really science at all. But the body is crazy! I hope that you could relate to this fascination, but if you know the science behind it, please don’t ruin the magic for me. Very little bewilders me at this point, food poisoning being one of them, so just let me have this one. Thank you.

Guilty Pleasures

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

What is a guilty pleasure? By my definition, guilty pleasures are things, activities, etc. that bring people joy, but also a sense of shame at the same time. But what’s the big deal about guilty pleasures, anyways? It’s all societal, so what if you like to take selfies, listen to old Justin Bieber or stalk your crush on Instagram? Everyone does it…

I think we should break the stigma surrounding “guilty pleasures” and just call them “pleasures” (maybe not “pleasures,” that sounds kind of weird, but you know what I mean). What’s the point of making people feel embarrassed for, honestly, mundane things that bring them little pieces of joy? Life is crazy enough without having to hide the fact that you think that “What Does the Fox Say?” is one of the most lyrically intelligent songs of our generation, so why get embarrassed?

So the next time you’re cooking or putting on makeup and you start narrating your actions to your non-existent YouTube channel subscribers, don’t stop when someone enters the room. Make it a collab. Give their channel a shoutout. Own what you like and don’t shame people for liking stuff that you don’t. It makes life just a little bit better, and who doesn’t want that?

Jim Kenney Passes New Infrastructure Bill to Add More Potholes to City Streets

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

via Wikipedia, via Philadelphia City Hall 2019

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney passed a massive $200 infrastructure bill to help better the city, including the implementation of more potholes for city streets, more specifically major roads that get driven on daily. The plan seeks to lessen the unemployment rate of the city by hiring homeless individuals to smash streets with sledgehammers, leaving devastating, tire-destroying potholes. They will be paid in drinkable tap water, a very new luxury in Philadelphia. However, this bill does not come without its fair share of criticisms from the Anti-Kenney crew.

Critics have been extremely vocal in the past week, with complaints ranging from “What the hell is this?” to “I just want clean water man.” Kenney has responded, however. He claims that the cars that drive the city streets have gotten “a false sense of security” over the past few months. He hopes this bill can give Philadelphia cars “some more character”. Kenney said he decided which streets to destroy by throwing darts at a city map and sending the sledgehammers to the spots pierced from his darts. God has laid its destructive hand on his people; seek shelter. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Former Athletic Director at Really Prestigious School to Step Down After Foot Related Rumors

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

College, USA – Drama has struck the world of academia as rumors have arisen that the former athletic director at a really prestigious school has a secret that he has been keeping from the world. Ryan Patrice, former AD at a college, refused to comment on this, while also urging us not to take any pho-toes. Thankfully, we could sit down with someone close to him to get more information on the possible reason for his departure. “It’s a shame Mr. Patrice is stepping away from the school. He was a very determined man. When he had a good idea, he would dig his feet and not give up until he finished,” an anonymous teacher told our correspondents. When we asked about his possible foot fetish, the teacher stated abruptly, “Let’s just say I never wore flip flops around the guy.”

For the time being, the extremely prestigious school’s athletics will be run by interim Kathy Newman. “I’m very new to this, so I’ll only be dipping my toes in the water. I’ll feel the temperature and see if I can help in any way.” The first change Mrs. Newman will enact is giving the Track and Field team spikes to wear for their meets. “I do not really understand why our team was forced to run at meets barefoot, but that is a thing of the past.” We are told that Ryan Patrice is planning on surveying colleges in the Florida area for his next job. We suspect this is because the warm weather will lead to more bare dogs being out in the open around campus. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Wolax Woes Continue, But How Does Recent Form Compare To Other Chronic Underachievers?: La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Week In Review 3/21/23

Satire, Sports

Nicholas Signoretta, Editor

Biggest disappointment since you were conceived (Cry about it).

Finding a new and inventive way to sugarcoat every week’s women’s lacrosse article is a challenge I wake up dreading every Monday morning when The Collegian begins its routine publishing ritual. How could I, someone who knows very little about the sport of lacrosse, find a way to entertain both the writer and myself amid paragraphs detailing twenty-minute Explorer scoring droughts and opposing runs that have scaled as high as twenty-one unanswered (that’s bad in football, the game where they score points in sevens)? After witnessing a scarring three-loss week that saw the Explorers (0-8, 0-2) drop matches to two previously winless teams in the George Washington Colonials (1-5, 1-0) and the George Mason Patriots (1-7, 1-1) as well as falling to a solid UMBC Retrievers side (6-2), I have decided there is only one thing I can dunk on this week in an attempt to salvage any respect that the university, the team, and Dr. John P. Lacrosse (the inventor of lacrosse) have remaining for our beloved Explorers. In a celebration of the fact that I know far more about college basketball than I do women’s lacrosse, I will be taking the low road and comparing the La Salle Explorers women’s lacrosse team to teams that have become national punching bags in the first week of this year’s NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament.

When looking for the ideal NCAA Tournament basketball team to pair up with the La Salle women’s lacrosse team, I had some basic requirements to put both competitors on an even playing field. First, I must start with teams that did not win a single game in this year’s bracket because that would put them level with lacrosse’s zero wins. That cuts the field of sixty-eight eligible bachelors in half, leaving us with thirty-four candidates. Next, I am throwing out all low seeds because I feel that a 16 Seed losing in their first game is not disappointment but rather an expected formality. That will shave a few more squads off my list. For my final criterion, I just looked for teams that really inspired me with overall ineptitude. Whether it was failing to live up to expectations or just playing truly horrendous basketball, I wanted to find a team so bad and soul crushing that they could rival the Explorers in ripping my heart out. In the spirit of the tournament, I narrowed my candidates down to a final four, which I present to you. We are left with the Virginia Cavaliers (a 4 Seed who lost in traumatic fashion after turning the ball over in the closing seconds which lead to a game-winning three-pointer for their opponent), the Iowa State Cyclones (a 6 Seed who shot 23.3% from the field, 9.5% from three, and 57.9% from the free-throw line in an eighteen-point loss to a team on one day’s rest), the Arizona Wildcats (a 2 Seed who lost to a 15 Seed, the second time they have done this in school history), and the Purdue Boilermakers (a 1 Seed who became the second team ever to fall at the feet of a 16 Seed). With the Cavaliers having won a national championship in the past five years, they are excused from the disappointment championship. The Cyclones’ performance was appalling, but their shooting percentage was nearly five points higher than the worst performance in tourney history. The Wildcats have nothing going for them here. They are just lucky the Boilermakers lost to a worse seed and have more national haters. As you could have guessed before reading this entire paragraph, it’s time to buckle in for this article’s main event.

La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse v. Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball

“Battle of the Disappointments”

As a career disappointment myself, I feel qualified to judge the competition I have created, so rest assured whatever you read from here on out is clear and undisputed fact. This contest is going to have five rounds, with the team winning the most rounds by the end of the matchup being declared “The Most Disappointing Team Until Wolax Plays Their Next Game.” Let us begin.

Round 1: The Brands

To compare Purdue men’s basketball to La Salle women’s lacrosse is like comparing Sports Illustrated to my articles in The Collegian. Everyone knows the first one. Only the parents who care about the people involved with the second one bother to keep up with it. When I search “purdue men’s basketball” in Google, I get sixteen million results. Typing in “la salle women’s lacrosse” yields only a third of that number (Over 5,000,000 hits for La Salle women’s lacrosse? I need answers). To deny that Purdue men’s basketball is the more recognizable brand would be like denying George Mason’s Shannon Tuozzo one of her nine goals against the Explorers last week. It can’t be done. Losing as the bigger brand gives Purdue the early lead.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 1, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 0

Round 2: The Rosters

Purdue’s roster is highlighted by the likes of their 7’4” goliath of a center, Zach Edey. The Naismith College Player of the Year frontrunner has some potential to play pro ball, and he is a monster in the paint that cleans up the glass and helps the Boilermakers run smoothly. In comparison, the Explorers’ tallest player is 5’11” attacker Katie Johnson. At least to my knowledge, Johnson has zero NBA prospects and was nowhere to be found on Naismith award watchlist articles I perused. To lose with a colossal talent like Edey is a major fail, meaning Purdue out-disappoints again.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 2, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 0

Zach Edey and Katie Johnson (Picture is to scale).

Round 3: The Accolades

Purdue put a stamp on a successful regular season by being crowned both the Big Ten Conference’s regular season and conference tournament champions. The squad earned their sixth straight top four seed in the NCAA Tournament, showing they are consistently a force to be reckoned with. Their program even has two Final Four appearances to their name, meaning they have played on college basketball’s biggest stage. While La Salle women’s lacrosse has never sniffed this level of accomplishment on the field, the stellar gameday environments provided by their fans is something the opposition cannot handle. While the Boilermakers may have banners hanging for conference titles and lengthy tournament runs, the Explorers have the best parent provided tailgate Division I has to offer. Sad to see La Salle lose with that level of hospitality. Point for the Explorers.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 2, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 1

Round 4: Expectations

This year, Purdue did not open the year ranked or projected to win the Big Ten. They shattered those expectations and earned themselves a 1 Seed in the NCAA Tournament. Yes, they lost to a 16 Seed, but you could still argue they initially exceeded expectations. Meanwhile, I personally expected La Salle to win one of their first eight games. What I fool that makes me. The Boilermakers may have underachieved on the biggest stage, but the Explorers have underachieved in every way. Looks like this will be a tie game going into the final frame.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 2, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 2

Round 5: Losses To Teams From The State Of New Jersey (But Only When The Match Isn’t Played In Illinois)

It’s the metric that matters most in any competition, how you fared against the proverbial “Garbage State” in head-to-head competition (excluding potential wins in the Prairie State). Purdue boasts an ugly 0-2 mark against such teams, with a stunning 65-64 loss to the Rutgers Scarlet Knights combining with their now famous 63-58 loss to the Fairleigh Dickinson Knights this past Friday to get them to that record. La Salle on the other hand, has zero of these oddly specific yet incredibly important games played, meaning their 0-0 record is greater than that of Purdue’s. This means La Salle dodges a bullet as Purdue seizes disappointment from the jaws of… um… appointment? I don’t know.

Final Score

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 3, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 2

New Jersey (Picture is also to scale).

And just like that, the women’s lacrosse team loses another hard-fought battle, but with a much more respectable scoreline of 3-2. This upcoming week, the Explorers travel to Amherst, Massachusetts, to take on the #16 UMass Minutewomen (8-1, 2-0) The game will take place on Wednesday, March 22nd, and action from Garber Field will get underway around 2PM EST. La Salle will also face off against the VCU Rams (4-5, 0-2) on Saturday, March 25th, at 1PM EST on wonderful McCarthy Field. Both matches will stream on ESPN+. I pray they win because I am really running out of ideas for alternative articles.

From The Collegian, this is Nicholas Signoretta reporting.

Mystery Man was the Life of the Party This Past Weekend

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

(via Ethan McGlone)

La Salle University – Wow! If you guys were sleeping under a rock all weekend then you probably have not heard of Dan Frunphy. This newcomer struck onto the scene this past weekend, and he did not look back. From dancing to Rihanna all the way to flirting with basketball superstar Khalil Brantley (and his NFT), Dan stole the hearts of everyone in attendance at the Alpha Sugma Kappa party. A man of culture, Dan even respectfully paid his $5 at the door without starting a fight. The men’s soccer team was not impressed.

We sat down with the president of Alpha Sugma Kappa to discuss the rise of this young phenom. “The dude is like 70. I don’t know how the hell he got into the party,” Chad Chaddington begrudgingly stated. Seventy years old or not, no one at the party could tell that Dan’s hips were replacements. Needless to say, his hips told the truth all night long. Sources tell us that Dan ended up puking in the bathroom at the end of the night, but this seems like a slanderous comment from a jealous party. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

An Anti-Love Letter to SZA

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

SZA,

I have loved you ever since I was introduced to “Ctrl” my junior year of high school. That album got me through a lot and since then has become one of my favorites, so for that I thank you.

I now, however, wish to take back that thanks as you canceled Thursday’s show of your SOS tour in Philly. This made me oh so sad. Enough, not to write a hate letter, just an anti-love letter.

This is a busy time for most college students, so amid the chaos of midterms and preparation for spring break (for me, that means a trip to Vietnam via travel study), I was looking forward to your concert, as it represented a night of entertainment rather than stress.

To further my excitement, one of my best friends from high school was visiting me all the way from the nation’s capital to watch you perform – and we were so excited. But alas, just before ten the morning of the concert, you announced its postponement (with no explanation, although fans have speculated that you were too tired from your excursion in LA the previous night. Okay?? You can always win Billboard’s Woman of the Year, but I can’t always see you at Wells Fargo Center…)

Needless to say, my friend and I were heartbroken. But wait, it gets worse. Not only did you bring out Cardi B and Phoebe Bridgers two nights later at Madison Square Garden, you announced the date for the rescheduled show: March 2nd, 2025.

2025.

As someone who is not originally from Philadelphia, let alone the state of Pennsylvania, this makes me sad. Who’s to say where I will be living in two years from now, when I am no longer receiving an education at our fine establishment on 20th and Olney, nor any post-grad programs.

So while I can never say I hate you, I can at the very least write you this anti-love letter that you will likely never read. As for the concert, if anyone in the Philadelphia area is interested in purchasing tickets for a concert that will take place in two frickin’ years, please email allgaire1@lasalle.edu.

Sincerely,

Emily Allgair

My Love for Public Transportation

Satire

Emily Allgair, Editor

Last year for my birthday, my roommate got me one of the best gifts I have ever received: a Septa sweatshirt. Navy blue with the accenting orange of the logo, my SEPTA sweatshirt has become one of my most prized possessions, and why wouldn’t it be?

Living so close to Center City, SEPTA is the easiest way to get around, and it only costs like $2.50 to do so. We are truly blessed to live 0.6 miles from a SEPTA stop, and although it can at times be intimidating, some of the characters on SEPTA are some you’d find nowhere else.

A less scary but more long-term form of public transportation is that of Amtrak. I live in Maryland, so when I go home I usually ride the train, and boy, do I love it. This past weekend I sat diagonally behind a man who put his feet up on the seats across from him and took a nap. That’s not the kicker, though. He took off his socks to do so! How silly!

Eventually his piggies got chilly and he put the socks back on, but for 45 minutes I got to witness all of the reactions of those walking past and let me tell you, they were awesome. Lots of double takes, head shaking and even one dropped jaw.

Moral of the story: if you love people watching and travel, public transit is the thing for you and I can’t recommend it enough.

Holy Cow: Cow to Become Pastorized Over the Weekend

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

Boise, Idaho – Big news is currently striking the cow world as Idaho native Beef Wellington is getting pastorized over the weekend. Mr. Wellington has been a lifelong Catholic and just recently finished his education at the Boise State Monastery. After this weekend, his milk will be pure, and his prayers will be even purer. We spoke to individuals close to the situation to gather intel on the magnitude of this accomplishment for the young cow.

“Mooooooo,” exclaimed his mother, Mrs. Beef Wellington. His father, however, is less of a fan of the religious life for his son. “Mooooo,” his father, Mr. Beef Wellington, muttered as we asked him about this career choice for his son. Keep in mind, this is the first stage of the young cow’s journey in the priesthood. If he wants to pursue further goals and become a cardinal, or even the pope, he must first get Ultra-Pastorized. Father Beef Wellington’s first vigil is planned for 3 weeks from now as he becomes acquainted with his new profession. Wish him luck as he begins his journey in the priesthood. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.