Ethan McGlone, Staff

Boise, Idaho – Big news is currently striking the cow world as Idaho native Beef Wellington is getting pastorized over the weekend. Mr. Wellington has been a lifelong Catholic and just recently finished his education at the Boise State Monastery. After this weekend, his milk will be pure, and his prayers will be even purer. We spoke to individuals close to the situation to gather intel on the magnitude of this accomplishment for the young cow.

“Mooooooo,” exclaimed his mother, Mrs. Beef Wellington. His father, however, is less of a fan of the religious life for his son. “Mooooo,” his father, Mr. Beef Wellington, muttered as we asked him about this career choice for his son. Keep in mind, this is the first stage of the young cow’s journey in the priesthood. If he wants to pursue further goals and become a cardinal, or even the pope, he must first get Ultra-Pastorized. Father Beef Wellington’s first vigil is planned for 3 weeks from now as he becomes acquainted with his new profession. Wish him luck as he begins his journey in the priesthood. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.