Ethan McGlone, Staff

College, USA – Drama has struck the world of academia as rumors have arisen that the former athletic director at a really prestigious school has a secret that he has been keeping from the world. Ryan Patrice, former AD at a college, refused to comment on this, while also urging us not to take any pho-toes. Thankfully, we could sit down with someone close to him to get more information on the possible reason for his departure. “It’s a shame Mr. Patrice is stepping away from the school. He was a very determined man. When he had a good idea, he would dig his feet and not give up until he finished,” an anonymous teacher told our correspondents. When we asked about his possible foot fetish, the teacher stated abruptly, “Let’s just say I never wore flip flops around the guy.”

For the time being, the extremely prestigious school’s athletics will be run by interim Kathy Newman. “I’m very new to this, so I’ll only be dipping my toes in the water. I’ll feel the temperature and see if I can help in any way.” The first change Mrs. Newman will enact is giving the Track and Field team spikes to wear for their meets. “I do not really understand why our team was forced to run at meets barefoot, but that is a thing of the past.” We are told that Ryan Patrice is planning on surveying colleges in the Florida area for his next job. We suspect this is because the warm weather will lead to more bare dogs being out in the open around campus. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.