Jim Kenney Passes New Infrastructure Bill to Add More Potholes to City Streets


Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

via Wikipedia, via Philadelphia City Hall 2019

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney passed a massive $200 infrastructure bill to help better the city, including the implementation of more potholes for city streets, more specifically major roads that get driven on daily. The plan seeks to lessen the unemployment rate of the city by hiring homeless individuals to smash streets with sledgehammers, leaving devastating, tire-destroying potholes. They will be paid in drinkable tap water, a very new luxury in Philadelphia. However, this bill does not come without its fair share of criticisms from the Anti-Kenney crew.

Critics have been extremely vocal in the past week, with complaints ranging from “What the hell is this?” to “I just want clean water man.” Kenney has responded, however. He claims that the cars that drive the city streets have gotten “a false sense of security” over the past few months. He hopes this bill can give Philadelphia cars “some more character”. Kenney said he decided which streets to destroy by throwing darts at a city map and sending the sledgehammers to the spots pierced from his darts. God has laid its destructive hand on his people; seek shelter. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Former Athletic Director at Really Prestigious School to Step Down After Foot Related Rumors


Ethan McGlone, Staff

College, USA – Drama has struck the world of academia as rumors have arisen that the former athletic director at a really prestigious school has a secret that he has been keeping from the world. Ryan Patrice, former AD at a college, refused to comment on this, while also urging us not to take any pho-toes. Thankfully, we could sit down with someone close to him to get more information on the possible reason for his departure. “It’s a shame Mr. Patrice is stepping away from the school. He was a very determined man. When he had a good idea, he would dig his feet and not give up until he finished,” an anonymous teacher told our correspondents. When we asked about his possible foot fetish, the teacher stated abruptly, “Let’s just say I never wore flip flops around the guy.”

For the time being, the extremely prestigious school’s athletics will be run by interim Kathy Newman. “I’m very new to this, so I’ll only be dipping my toes in the water. I’ll feel the temperature and see if I can help in any way.” The first change Mrs. Newman will enact is giving the Track and Field team spikes to wear for their meets. “I do not really understand why our team was forced to run at meets barefoot, but that is a thing of the past.” We are told that Ryan Patrice is planning on surveying colleges in the Florida area for his next job. We suspect this is because the warm weather will lead to more bare dogs being out in the open around campus. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Wolax Woes Continue, But How Does Recent Form Compare To Other Chronic Underachievers?: La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Week In Review 3/21/23

Satire, Sports

Nicholas Signoretta, Editor

Biggest disappointment since you were conceived (Cry about it).

Finding a new and inventive way to sugarcoat every week’s women’s lacrosse article is a challenge I wake up dreading every Monday morning when The Collegian begins its routine publishing ritual.  How could I, someone who knows very little about the sport of lacrosse, find a way to entertain both the writer and myself amid paragraphs detailing twenty-minute Explorer scoring droughts and opposing runs that have scaled as high as twenty-one unanswered (that’s bad in football, the game where they score points in sevens)?  After witnessing a scarring three-loss week that saw the Explorers (0-8, 0-2) drop matches to two previously winless teams in the George Washington Colonials (1-5, 1-0) and the George Mason Patriots (1-7, 1-1) as well as falling to a solid UMBC Retrievers side (6-2), I have decided there is only one thing I can dunk on this week in an attempt to salvage any respect that the university, the team, and Dr. John P. Lacrosse (the inventor of lacrosse) have remaining for our beloved Explorers.  In a celebration of the fact that I know far more about college basketball than I do women’s lacrosse, I will be taking the low road and comparing the La Salle Explorers women’s lacrosse team to teams that have become national punching bags in the first week of this year’s NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament.

When looking for the ideal NCAA Tournament basketball team to pair up with the La Salle women’s lacrosse team, I had some basic requirements to put both competitors on an even playing field.  First, I must start with teams that did not win a single game in this year’s bracket because that would put them level with lacrosse’s zero wins.  That cuts the field of sixty-eight eligible bachelors in half, leaving us with thirty-four candidates.  Next, I am throwing out all low seeds because I feel that a 16 Seed losing in their first game is not disappointment but rather an expected formality.  That will shave a few more squads off my list.  For my final criterion, I just looked for teams that really inspired me with overall ineptitude.  Whether it was failing to live up to expectations or just playing truly horrendous basketball, I wanted to find a team so bad and soul crushing that they could rival the Explorers in ripping my heart out.  In the spirit of the tournament, I narrowed my candidates down to a final four, which I present to you.  We are left with the Virginia Cavaliers (a 4 Seed who lost in traumatic fashion after turning the ball over in the closing seconds which lead to a game-winning three-pointer for their opponent), the Iowa State Cyclones (a 6 Seed who shot 23.3% from the field, 9.5% from three, and 57.9% from the free-throw line in an eighteen-point loss to a team on one day’s rest), the Arizona Wildcats (a 2 Seed who lost to a 15 Seed, the second time they have done this in school history), and the Purdue Boilermakers (a 1 Seed who became the second team ever to fall at the feet of a 16 Seed).  With the Cavaliers having won a national championship in the past five years, they are excused from the disappointment championship.  The Cyclones’ performance was appalling, but their shooting percentage was nearly five points higher than the worst performance in tourney history.  The Wildcats have nothing going for them here.  They are just lucky the Boilermakers lost to a worse seed and have more national haters.  As you could have guessed before reading this entire paragraph, it’s time to buckle in for this article’s main event.

La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse v. Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball

“Battle of the Disappointments”

As a career disappointment myself, I feel qualified to judge the competition I have created, so rest assured whatever you read from here on out is clear and undisputed fact.  This contest is going to have five rounds, with the team winning the most rounds by the end of the matchup being declared “The Most Disappointing Team Until Wolax Plays Their Next Game.”  Let us begin.

Round 1: The Brands

To compare Purdue men’s basketball to La Salle women’s lacrosse is like comparing Sports Illustrated to my articles in The Collegian.  Everyone knows the first one.  Only the parents who care about the people involved with the second one bother to keep up with it.  When I search “purdue men’s basketball” in Google, I get sixteen million results.  Typing in “la salle women’s lacrosse” yields only a third of that number (Over 5,000,000 hits for La Salle women’s lacrosse?  I need answers).  To deny that Purdue men’s basketball is the more recognizable brand would be like denying George Mason’s Shannon Tuozzo one of her nine goals against the Explorers last week.  It can’t be done.  Losing as the bigger brand gives Purdue the early lead.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 1, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 0

Round 2: The Rosters

Purdue’s roster is highlighted by the likes of their 7’4” goliath of a center, Zach Edey.  The Naismith College Player of the Year frontrunner has some potential to play pro ball, and he is a monster in the paint that cleans up the glass and helps the Boilermakers run smoothly.  In comparison, the Explorers’ tallest player is 5’11” attacker Katie Johnson.  At least to my knowledge, Johnson has zero NBA prospects and was nowhere to be found on Naismith award watchlist articles I perused.  To lose with a colossal talent like Edey is a major fail, meaning Purdue out-disappoints again.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 2, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 0

Zach Edey and Katie Johnson (Picture is to scale).

Round 3: The Accolades

Purdue put a stamp on a successful regular season by being crowned both the Big Ten Conference’s regular season and conference tournament champions.  The squad earned their sixth straight top four seed in the NCAA Tournament, showing they are consistently a force to be reckoned with.  Their program even has two Final Four appearances to their name, meaning they have played on college basketball’s biggest stage.  While La Salle women’s lacrosse has never sniffed this level of accomplishment on the field, the stellar gameday environments provided by their fans is something the opposition cannot handle.  While the Boilermakers may have banners hanging for conference titles and lengthy tournament runs, the Explorers have the best parent provided tailgate Division I has to offer.  Sad to see La Salle lose with that level of hospitality.  Point for the Explorers.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 2, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 1

Round 4: Expectations

This year, Purdue did not open the year ranked or projected to win the Big Ten.  They shattered those expectations and earned themselves a 1 Seed in the NCAA Tournament.  Yes, they lost to a 16 Seed, but you could still argue they initially exceeded expectations.  Meanwhile, I personally expected La Salle to win one of their first eight games.  What I fool that makes me.  The Boilermakers may have underachieved on the biggest stage, but the Explorers have underachieved in every way.  Looks like this will be a tie game going into the final frame.

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 2, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 2

Round 5: Losses To Teams From The State Of New Jersey (But Only When The Match Isn’t Played In Illinois)

It’s the metric that matters most in any competition, how you fared against the proverbial “Garbage State” in head-to-head competition (excluding potential wins in the Prairie State).  Purdue boasts an ugly 0-2 mark against such teams, with a stunning 65-64 loss to the Rutgers Scarlet Knights combining with their now famous 63-58 loss to the Fairleigh Dickinson Knights this past Friday to get them to that record.  La Salle on the other hand, has zero of these oddly specific yet incredibly important games played, meaning their 0-0 record is greater than that of Purdue’s.  This means La Salle dodges a bullet as Purdue seizes disappointment from the jaws of… um… appointment?  I don’t know.

Final Score

Purdue Boilermakers Men’s Basketball: 3, La Salle Explorers Women’s Lacrosse: 2

New Jersey (Picture is also to scale).

And just like that, the women’s lacrosse team loses another hard-fought battle, but with a much more respectable scoreline of 3-2.  This upcoming week, the Explorers travel to Amherst, Massachusetts, to take on the #16 UMass Minutewomen (8-1, 2-0)  The game will take place on Wednesday, March 22nd, and action from Garber Field will get underway around 2PM EST.  La Salle will also face off against the VCU Rams (4-5, 0-2) on Saturday, March 25th, at 1PM EST on wonderful McCarthy Field.  Both matches will stream on ESPN+.  I pray they win because I am really running out of ideas for alternative articles.               

From The Collegian, this is Nicholas Signoretta reporting.

Mystery Man was the Life of the Party This Past Weekend


Ethan McGlone, Staff

(via Ethan McGlone)

La Salle University – Wow! If you guys were sleeping under a rock all weekend then you probably have not heard of Dan Frunphy. This newcomer struck onto the scene this past weekend, and he did not look back. From dancing to Rihanna all the way to flirting with basketball superstar Khalil Brantley (and his NFT), Dan stole the hearts of everyone in attendance at the Alpha Sugma Kappa party. A man of culture, Dan even respectfully paid his $5 at the door without starting a fight. The men’s soccer team was not impressed. 

We sat down with the president of Alpha Sugma Kappa to discuss the rise of this young phenom. “The dude is like 70. I don’t know how the hell he got into the party,” Chad Chaddington begrudgingly stated. Seventy years old or not, no one at the party could tell that Dan’s hips were replacements. Needless to say, his hips told the truth all night long. Sources tell us that Dan ended up puking in the bathroom at the end of the night, but this seems like a slanderous comment from a jealous party. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

An Anti-Love Letter to SZA


Emily Allgair, Editor


I have loved you ever since I was introduced to “Ctrl” my junior year of high school. That album got me through a lot and since then has become one of my favorites, so for that I thank you.

I now, however, wish to take back that thanks as you canceled Thursday’s show of your SOS tour in Philly. This made me oh so sad. Enough, not to write a hate letter, just an anti-love letter. 

This is a busy time for most college students, so amid the chaos of midterms and preparation for spring break (for me, that means a trip to Vietnam via travel study), I was looking forward to your concert, as it represented a night of entertainment rather than stress. 

To further my excitement, one of my best friends from high school was visiting me all the way from the nation’s capital to watch you perform – and we were so excited. But alas, just before ten the morning of the concert, you announced its postponement (with no explanation, although fans have speculated that you were too tired from your excursion in LA the previous night. Okay?? You can always win Billboard’s Woman of the Year, but I can’t always see you at Wells Fargo Center…)

Needless to say, my friend and I were heartbroken. But wait, it gets worse. Not only did you bring out Cardi B and Phoebe Bridgers two nights later at Madison Square Garden, you announced the date for the rescheduled show: March 2nd, 2025.


As someone who is not originally from Philadelphia, let alone the state of Pennsylvania, this makes me sad. Who’s to say where I will be living in two years from now, when I am no longer receiving an education at our fine establishment on 20th and Olney, nor any post-grad programs. 

So while I can never say I hate you, I can at the very least write you this anti-love letter that you will likely never read. As for the concert, if anyone in the Philadelphia area is interested in purchasing tickets for a concert that will take place in two frickin’ years, please email allgaire1@lasalle.edu


Emily Allgair

My Love for Public Transportation


Emily Allgair, Editor

Last year for my birthday, my roommate got me one of the best gifts I have ever received: a Septa sweatshirt. Navy blue with the accenting orange of the logo, my SEPTA sweatshirt has become one of my most prized possessions, and why wouldn’t it be?

Living so close to Center City, SEPTA is the easiest way to get around, and it only costs like $2.50 to do so. We are truly blessed to live 0.6 miles from a SEPTA stop, and although it can at times be intimidating, some of the characters on SEPTA are some you’d find nowhere else.

via WHYY.org

A less scary but more long-term form of public transportation is that of Amtrak. I live in Maryland, so when I go home I usually ride the train, and boy, do I love it. This past weekend I sat diagonally behind a man who put his feet up on the seats across from him and took a nap. That’s not the kicker, though. He took off his socks to do so! How silly!

Eventually his piggies got chilly and he put the socks back on, but for 45 minutes I got to witness all of the reactions of those walking past and let me tell you, they were awesome. Lots of double takes, head shaking and even one dropped jaw. 

Moral of the story: if you love people watching and travel, public transit is the thing for you and I can’t recommend it enough.

Holy Cow: Cow to Become Pastorized Over the Weekend


Ethan McGlone, Staff

via www.reddit.com, r/BossFight

Boise, Idaho – Big news is currently striking the cow world as Idaho native Beef Wellington is getting pastorized over the weekend. Mr. Wellington has been a lifelong Catholic and just recently finished his education at the Boise State Monastery. After this weekend, his milk will be pure, and his prayers will be even purer. We spoke to individuals close to the situation to gather intel on the magnitude of this accomplishment for the young cow.

“Mooooooo,” exclaimed his mother, Mrs. Beef Wellington. His father, however, is less of a fan of the religious life for his son. “Mooooo,” his father, Mr. Beef Wellington, muttered as we asked him about this career choice for his son. Keep in mind, this is the first stage of the young cow’s journey in the priesthood. If he wants to pursue further goals and become a cardinal, or even the pope, he must first get Ultra-Pastorized. Father Beef Wellington’s first vigil is planned for 3 weeks from now as he becomes acquainted with his new profession. Wish him luck as he begins his journey in the priesthood. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

White Pieces Refuse to Protect King after Racist Tweets from His Past Resurface


By: Ethan McGlone

via Ethan McGlone

No one can truly know the type of person someone is behind the scenes. We all put on masks, some greater than others, and the White King is no exception to this. Earlier this week, tragic news struck the chess world. The White Rook spoke with our correspondents. “We all spent our entire lives defending this guy and for what? He’s a racist jerk.” Tweets resurfaced from the White King’s childhood where he berated the Black Dark-Squared Bishop in racist tirades throughout multiple tweets. We could not get into contact with the White Queen surrounding this issue.

Some examples of these disgraceful tweets are as follows:

“No game of chess is fair. The Dark Squared Black Bishop literally can jump 2 spaces higher than my white bishops.”

“Everybody cries when the Dark Squared Black Bishop gets captured, but where’s this outcry for the countless number of white pieces that are captured.”

“White Piece Lives Matter”

We did receive an email, however, from the victim of the 25 tweets dating back to 2012. “Fork him.” Needless to say, the Black Dark-Squared Bishop is not a fan of the White King. The scariest part of this whole story for the White Pawns is that anybody could be secretly carrying these thoughts inside. “There was no way of us even knowing he felt this way about the black pieces. Sure, he had a confederate flag in his house, a Blue Lives Matter bumper sticker, a Steven Crowder mug, and a Let’s Go Brandon shirt collection (7 in total), but how could we have known he was racist. It’s impossible to truly know.” From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Join the new Chess Club at LaSalle! Email me at mcglonee1@lasalle.edu for more information.

“If He Wanted To, He Would.”


Emily Allgair, Editor

This week’s article is going to be a little more introspective, so ladies and gents, I apologize in advance.

via Relevant Magazine

No matter what point of your relationship you’re in, whether you’ve been in a committed relationship for three plus years or you just matched on Tinder, the phrase “if he wanted to, he would” has probably crossed your mind. And I agree… To some extent.

If you’re pissed because you’ve been staring at your phone all day, jumping at every notification expecting it to be them asking you out, I have a question for you: what would happen if you asked them out instead?

Now I know, sometimes it is crucial that they be the one to make the first move, especially if the last four first-moves have been on your behalf, but if this isn’t your case, put on your big-person pants and go first.

Love is a waiting game, but it doesn’t have to be. Plus, if you’re making the first moves, the odds of them becoming more comfortable with the idea to do so increases. So then even if you’re not expecting them to make the first move and they do, imagine how good it will feel.

Especially you ladies: while it is nice to have men pining over you, sometimes you’ve gotta girlboss it out and do it yourself. Nothing says “I’m confident” like asking someone out. Talk about an adrenaline rush.

Poles Climb Greased up Humans on Broad Street following Eagles Super Bowl Loss


By: Ethan McGlone

via slate.com

It has become sort of a tradition in Philadelphia for its citizens to climb up street poles after big sports wins. However, the poles have fought back; the declaration of war has been offered. Police officer Marvin Johnson told us, “Everybody knows that we grease up the poles on Broad Street to prevent people from climbing them. They don’t know, however, that we find the greasiest humans and put them in Broad to prevent the poles from retaliating.” This prevention did not prove to be beneficial. Howard Balls is one of the greasy humans that was a victim on Sunday night.

Mr. Balls has not showered in weeks. He only eats red meat. He’s hard stuck in plat on Overwatch. This man is as greasy as it gets. “I was stationed on Broad and after the Eagles lost, I saw the poles causing chaos. They flipped cars, started fires, and one even started sprinting at me. When he went airborne, I knew I was done for.” The pole climbed up this greased up human in less than 10 seconds and stood at the top triumphantly. The Chiefs had won, but the poles were the true winners. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.