Cities Of Detroit And Cleveland To Fight For Custody Of La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Team: La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Week In Review 5/1/23

Satire

Nicholas Signoretta, Editor

Custody court is no laughing matter. (Just ask my dreaded ex-wife, Sheila)

This Wednesday, May 3rd, the United States Supreme Court is set to hear a heated custody case concerning the cities of Detroit and Cleveland and their battle to attain sole guardianship of the 2023 La Salle University women’s lacrosse team. The Explorers capped off a thrilling 0-15 season this past Saturday with a 16-3 home loss to the Davidson Wildcats (11-5, 6-3), which caught the eyes of both Rust Belt cities and spawned this past weekend’s dispute. Both urban dumpster fires were inspired by La Salle’s winless campaign, bringing back fond memories of each city’s own victoryless trainwreck seasons (the Detroit Lions went 0-16 in 2008, and the Cleveland Browns matched this record in 2017). The rush for the lacrosse team’s talent was also inspired by both metropolises’ desire to preserve their mark as the biggest losers in the modern sports culture, although many are scratching their heads wondering how the gain of thirty or so college lacrosse players will help those two NFL teams continue their descent to athletic irrelevance. While the idea behind the fight for the Explorers’ lacrosse team is not already confusing enough, more news from inside the case is creating shockwaves throughout the sports world.

The latest from behind the scenes is painting the narrative that, to nobody’s surprise, neither city really has any redeeming qualities to build a case upon. While each city’s legal team has been working tirelessly to come up with arguments for their respective client’s case, time is winding down and the opening gavel is inching closer and closer, yet it is being reported that neither group can really find a single positive attribute to sway the decision in their city’s favor. “When it comes to Detroit and Cleveland, I don’t think a single good thing has been brought up yet,” stated Cleveland’s lead attorney, Reese Witherspoon. “I’m not really sure what I am even in on the case for,” continued Witherspoon, “I tried to explain to the Browns’ upper management that I wasn’t really a Harvard Law School graduate and that I was only acting, but they insisted I was the woman for the job.” Sources report that Cleveland’s higherups first sought out Gregory Peck of 1962’s “To Kill a Mockingbird” to lead their legal team, only to discover Peck had passed two decades ago. Cleveland then looked up other famous lawyers, but Detroit had already beaten them to the rights to sign “Better Call Saul” actor Bob Odenkirk. Neither side has actually contacted anyone with real legal experience, further displaying both front offices’ incompetence regarding the acquisition of talent.

Either Detroit or Cleveland. (The difference is marginal)

The La Salle Collegian will be bringing updates concerning the trial all week, including if the women’s lacrosse team can get the trial postponed to a later date dependent on either the Explorers winning a game next season or a nicer city like New York, Los Angeles, or Miami going winless and joining the battle for custody.

From The La Salle Collegian, this is Nicholas Signoretta reporting.

ChatGPT Takes On The Collegian Sports Section: La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Week In Review 4/25/23

Satire, Sports

Nicholas Signoretta?, Editor

ChatGPT, but with an explosion. (I already had a stock image of an explosion)

In the absence of the much-maligned sports editor Nicky Signoretta, the people in power at The La Salle Collegian have decided to hop on the latest fad and utilize society’s greatest new piece of technology. If Signoretta and fellow sports editor Enrique Carrasco cannot write a quality women’s lacrosse article to save their lives, why not let ChatGPT have a swing at it? The revolutionary artificial intelligence program can write essays and papers for students (or so I have heard), so what is stopping it from climbing the journalism ladder and ascending to point of writing the feature piece for Sports Illustrated? Using the search prompt shown below, ChatGPT cooked up several potential articles for its dedicated fanbase, and now it is time to dig into the fruits of our little computer friend’s labor.

The input used for this article’s exercise. (Contain your excitement)

ChatGPT: La Salle University’s women’s lacrosse team is a strong and competitive program that has a history of success on the field. The team is part of the Atlantic 10 conference and plays its home games at McCarthy Stadium in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Uninspired Writer: This is not a terrible start. It reads like a Wikipedia page, but it is the foundation for a lacrosse article for dummies.

The La Salle women’s lacrosse team has a dedicated coaching staff led by Head Coach Caitlin Powers, who has been with the program since 2018. Coach Powers has an impressive lacrosse background, having played at the Division I level herself and coached at both the Division I and II levels before coming to La Salle.

And that was quick. Already making up a new head coach (she could be an upgrade).

The La Salle Women’s Lacrosse team has a history of success, with numerous conference championships and NCAA tournament appearances. They have also produced many talented players who have gone on to play professionally or coach at the collegiate level.

And we go further into the realm of fantasy. I do not know what version of La Salle ChatGPT is playing as in MyCareer in NCAA Wolax 23, but the real-life counterpart has not experienced close to this level of success.

In recent years, the team has continued to perform at a high level, consistently ranking among the top teams in the Atlantic 10 Conference. In the 2021 season, the team finished with a record of 7-4, including a thrilling 13-12 win over conference rival George Mason.

La Salle finished 5-9 in 2021. They did not play the George Mason Patriots that year.

In the 2002-2003 NBA season, Tim Duncan was at the peak of his game and established himself as one of the most dominant players in the league. He led the San Antonio Spurs to a championship victory, earning himself the NBA Finals MVP award in the process.

Duncan’s dominance in that season can be attributed to his exceptional all-around skills as a power forward. He was an excellent scorer, averaging 23.3 points per game, and a great rebounder, averaging 12.9 rebounds per game. He also played outstanding defense, averaging 2.9 blocks per game and 0.7 steals per game.

Moreover, Duncan’s leadership, consistency, and unselfishness were instrumental to the Spurs’ success that season. He was known for his calm demeanor and ability to lead by example, setting a high standard for his teammates on both ends of the court.

Overall, Tim Duncan’s performance in the 2002-2003 NBA season was nothing short of outstanding, and his dominance was a key factor in the San Antonio Spurs’ championship run that year.

Wow! ChatGPT nailed its analysis on 2003 Tim Duncan. Not sure how this ended up in a search about La Salle women’s lacrosse, but this might be the most factual statement that this computer spat out.

2003 Tim Duncan. (Not to be confused with Katie Rhodes Duncan)

The moral of the story: ChatGPT knows little about La Salle women’s lacrosse and tons about the dominance of Tim Duncan in the 2002-2003 NBA season. This upcoming week, the La Salle Explorers (0-14, 0-8) celebrate their Senior Day during their season finale at McCarthy Field against the Davidson Wildcats (10-5, 5-3). The game will be played on Saturday, April 29th, and will begin at 12PM EST. The game will be streamed on ESPN+. Just one last dance left.

From The La Salle Collegian, this is (~~redacted~~) reporting.

Nicholas Joseph Signoretta Obituary

Satire

Nicholas Signoretta, Editor (How Is That Even Possible?)

Signoretta enjoying his favorite bovine beverage. (mmmmmm, milk)

Nicholas Signoretta, the sports editor for the notable publication The La Salle Collegian, has been found dead in his North Philadelphia estate. The twenty-one-year-old (twenty-three depending on alternate identification) was found to have passed from what officials are describing as a “milky” overdose. Sources are reporting that Signoretta was an avid fan of the dairy drink despite roommates claiming he was “definitely” lactose-intolerant.

Suspicions are beginning to swirl around Signoretta’s sudden demise as it marks the second Collegian sports editor to pass in the past six months after Enrique Carrasco’s tragic suicide last October. Fears revolving around the position and its potentially fatal repercussions have discouraged up-and-coming talent from signing with the critically acclaimed newspaper. Several editors for the paper have since entered the transfer portal.

Nicholas Joseph Signoretta

October 8th, 2001 – April 15th, 2023

Fly High (Like Kinda High, But Not Has High As Enrique) King

Hottest new craze to hit markets: bubble investing

Foolegian

Bill O’Brien, Editor

The 2000 market crash often referred to as the “dot com bubble” was great for investors exposing their portfolio to the tech industry, realizing very high returns for a time. What happened after is irrelevant.

With financial markets experiencing depressed fixed income yields and spreads, investors have had to get creative when it comes to portfolio strategy and turning a buck during the pandemic. Luckily, some investors have hopped on a new wave that is surely keeping them hype and, at least emotionally, invested in the market. Bubble investing has been around since the inception of supply and demand markets, but never have investors been jumping through hoops for insanely overvalued investments like they have been today.

David Portnoy, Chief Market Strategist at Barstool Sports, or “Stool Presidente,” as his analysts call him, is the pioneer of the portfolio strategy. “Say it you cowards. Stocks only go up. Stocks only go up. Say the words Ron. I am your King,” Portnoy iterates time and time again in his annual research report to clients via Twitter. Sophisticated retail investors were quick to adopt Portnoy’s market strategies, flooding securities with, virtually, no cash flow, like Gamestop (NYSE: GME) and AMC Theatres (NYSE: AMC), realizing massive returns in the process (if one bought early enough, but that part’s irrelevant).

Even Fed Chair Jerome Powell has had a lot to say about asset valuations in markets to reporters after the Fed’s latest Federal Open Market Committee Hearing. “The market’s hot, baby, the market’s RED HOT. Fed’s getting in on this for sure, Gamestop to the moon, diamond hands my friends, DIAMOND HANDS.” Since the hearing, the Federal Reserve’s balance sheet is valued at approximately $7.72 trillion. Sources at the Fed confirm Powell has been pressuring analysts at the Reserve’s New York trading desks to “get their diamond hands on GME pronto.”

The Fed’s aggressive buying sprees have prompted some backlash among junior analysts working at the Central Bank. One analyst spoke to Collegian reporters on the condition of anonymity, “I sit at a desk and buy as many junk bonds as I can until the early morning. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… At this point, I would rather be worked to an early grave by DJ D-Sol at Goldman.”

Powell responded to analysts’ claims of overwork with personal attacks. “Kids these days got no gumption, no spirit. Back in my day, we fueled financial crises 18 hours a day. We didn’t get Peloton bikes as participation awards either. Buncha pansies if you ask me.”

Anyways, what was I writing about again? Oh right, the 2020-21 bubble investing trend (craze). Bubble investing has been a mixed bag depending on who you are. If you’re an ambitious investor with a lot to lose and not a lot of know-how, then chances are this trend is perfect for you. Plus, you’ll be able to tell your friends you’re “in the market” at least for as long as your positions last. The future of investing is looking bright as of April 2021. Whether that bright light is a beautiful sunrise on the horizon or a nuclear bomb exploding in the distance, coming to vaporize all of our highly leveraged market positions, well, I guess that’s up to you to decide. Until next time, as the once-great Ben Affleck said in a famous coming-of-age movie, Good Will Hunting, “the business we have, here-to-for, you can speak to my aforementioned attorney. Good day, gentlemen, and until that day comes, keep your ear to the grindstone.” This is investing.