Nicholas Signoretta, Editor
Custody court is no laughing matter. (Just ask my dreaded ex-wife, Sheila)
This Wednesday, May 3rd, the United States Supreme Court is set to hear a heated custody case concerning the cities of Detroit and Cleveland and their battle to attain sole guardianship of the 2023 La Salle University women’s lacrosse team. The Explorers capped off a thrilling 0-15 season this past Saturday with a 16-3 home loss to the Davidson Wildcats (11-5, 6-3), which caught the eyes of both Rust Belt cities and spawned this past weekend’s dispute. Both urban dumpster fires were inspired by La Salle’s winless campaign, bringing back fond memories of each city’s own victoryless trainwreck seasons (the Detroit Lions went 0-16 in 2008, and the Cleveland Browns matched this record in 2017). The rush for the lacrosse team’s talent was also inspired by both metropolises’ desire to preserve their mark as the biggest losers in the modern sports culture, although many are scratching their heads wondering how the gain of thirty or so college lacrosse players will help those two NFL teams continue their descent to athletic irrelevance. While the idea behind the fight for the Explorers’ lacrosse team is not already confusing enough, more news from inside the case is creating shockwaves throughout the sports world.
The latest from behind the scenes is painting the narrative that, to nobody’s surprise, neither city really has any redeeming qualities to build a case upon. While each city’s legal team has been working tirelessly to come up with arguments for their respective client’s case, time is winding down and the opening gavel is inching closer and closer, yet it is being reported that neither group can really find a single positive attribute to sway the decision in their city’s favor. “When it comes to Detroit and Cleveland, I don’t think a single good thing has been brought up yet,” stated Cleveland’s lead attorney, Reese Witherspoon. “I’m not really sure what I am even in on the case for,” continued Witherspoon, “I tried to explain to the Browns’ upper management that I wasn’t really a Harvard Law School graduate and that I was only acting, but they insisted I was the woman for the job.” Sources report that Cleveland’s higherups first sought out Gregory Peck of 1962’s “To Kill a Mockingbird” to lead their legal team, only to discover Peck had passed two decades ago. Cleveland then looked up other famous lawyers, but Detroit had already beaten them to the rights to sign “Better Call Saul” actor Bob Odenkirk. Neither side has actually contacted anyone with real legal experience, further displaying both front offices’ incompetence regarding the acquisition of talent.
Either Detroit or Cleveland. (The difference is marginal)
The La Salle Collegian will be bringing updates concerning the trial all week, including if the women’s lacrosse team can get the trial postponed to a later date dependent on either the Explorers winning a game next season or a nicer city like New York, Los Angeles, or Miami going winless and joining the battle for custody.
From The La Salle Collegian, this is Nicholas Signoretta reporting.