Claire Kunzier, Editor

For many who have visited La Salle University’s campus, the chapel bell has been heard ringing through the North Philadelphia streets. What if I told you there is no bell? That the university sold the large bell and replaced them with Five Below Bluetooth speakers, specifically the ones that light up. Well you would be a fool to not listen because our source from the Bell Maintenance Department gave us the inside scoop on one of the many ways La Salle kept afloat during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

With shutters covering the windows, no one can tell, but behind them, one will see a bell tower with no bell *shock*. Inside, people now see a bell tower, no bell, but two speakers facing the direction the bell swings back and forth, recordings of the bell taken prior to the sale. Even though bronze is worth $2.75/lb, the university needed to sacrifice more than just half of the school’s teams and cutting the men’s basketball budget was not one of them. Now, a church bell does weigh 4.1 tons according to Google and after I did (struggled) the math, that bell was apparently worth $22,550 and while that number very well could be wrong, it also is probably still less than the men’s basketball budget. 

The speakers are top of the line, five year old, stolen from the Union, LED display Bluetooth speakers. The same type is used in pretty much every frat on campus. Apparently, for the first two weeks, they forgot to turn off the lights so the shutters changed colors all night. This led to multiple reports and the suspicion of aliens hiding in the bell tower. Our source, a worker from the bell maintenance team confirmed that the bell is not aliens or even a bell, just two speakers hanging next to a window on a hook, blasting bell sounds. Someone searched for the aux chord and played music and to see how long it takes for anyone to notice.

David O’Brien, Editor

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Since I have stopped taking my medication (Nyquil), I have realized that there are people in my walls. Every day, from when I wake up and when I go to bed, people continually mess with me. I know everyone I have ever met has been paid off in a “Truman show”-esque kind of situation. Everyone I confide in about these problems says that all of this is “in my head” and that I should “get help” but I know that is nothing but a bunch of malarkey. I am so sick of being gaslit by both my visible and invisible friends. The doctors have been constantly trying to make me take pills that will block my clairvoyant visions, but I know it’s all just a plot by the banks and the CIA to stop me from finding the truth. I have been unjustly harassed since the day I was born and I just want to be left alone and allowed to worship the almighty Lord in peace.

I continue to be unjustly harassed by the wall people. I wake up every morning to them singing “Say So” by Doja Cat. Each time I sit down for a meal, someone runs up to my food, throws up invisible vomit onto my food, then runs aways. I have tried to catch them on film but they run too fast for my camera to track and I am starting to believe this individual(s) is also invisible. My state-mandated doctor said the man is not real, however, I know that he is merely perpetuating the government’s lies with each “therapy” session I am forced to attend. I even put up really expensive cameras to catch him. Luckily, I have devised a solution where I drink twelve raw eggs blended together with unpasteurized milk and a can of sardines along with a multivitamin each day. This way, the wall people will not be able to throw up in my beverage due to the fact the scent is beyond unbearable for the average person. Luckily for me, it still somehow tastes better than B&G! Each time I lay down for bed, they begin singing “Island in the Sun” by Weezer to keep me wide awake. I have not been getting good sleep and it is all their fault. When I do sleep, I have nightmares surrounding the wall-people finally succeeding in their plot to put me in an asylum where the government has full oversight over my condition and finally taking over my house. I cannot, I will not, allow them to win. They can keep trying all they want, but they will not defeat me. I will cement myself into the walls even if that’s what it takes.

I have quit my job as a professor at La Salle University to dedicate my time to something far more important — staring at my walls and cameras for hours in hopes of finally being able to stop them. Shockingly, the students I used to teach and even the faculty members I used to work with have agreed that this was a more valuable way to spend my time rather than spending another minute in Holroyd hall.

If anyone has any information on the people in my walls and/or how to stop them, please reach out. I have renovated my house four times in an attempt to find their hideout. Please contact me at 1-800-273-8255 or your mother’s bedroom with any further information on how to stop the people in my walls from harassing me any further.

Thin Willy, Celestial Entity

On March 27, 2022, during the live television broadcast of the 30th annual La Salle TV Awards (LTVAs), host of LTV’s game show “Q&A” and LTV producer Gregory Shannon, the then-nominee and eventual winner of the LTV Award for Best Producer, walked onstage and slapped “SportsLine” Producer Isaiah Clark across the face as he presented the LTV Award for Best COM 408 Documentary Feature. Just before, Clark was seen stuffing his face full of mini-M&M’s, Shannon’s favorite snack, at the snack table. Shannon, who has had an on-going addiction to mini-M&M’s during the months following the awards, was initially seen laughing at the joke, rose from the audience, walked onto the stage and slapped Clark in the face. Shannon then returned to his seat and twice shouted, “Keep my mini-M&M’s out your mouth!”

Video footage of the altercation quickly went viral, rapidly accumulating tens of views across multiple platforms and prompting widespread commentary, discussion and debate. It has also inspired several parodies, remixes, memes and jokes.

During the same ceremony, Shannon went on to win the LTV Award for Best Producer for his portrayal of La Salle graduate Jack Rohr in the series “Q&A.” In his acceptance speech, Shannon apologized to the studio and colleagues, but not Clark.

Following public backlash, Shannon issued a formal apology on Instagram and Facebook posts. Shannon referred to his own behavior as “not 100 percent” and “not pushin’ P.” Shannon went on to directly address  Clark: “I would like to publicly apologize to you, Clark. I was out of line; I was off the gloop and I was wrong. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness. Except for in Brooklyn… And Central Jersey, especially Central Jersey.”

Some sugar-addicts have spoken out about how the incident has made them feel worried about the possibility of more confrontations and may be more careful about the snacks they eat at college television award shows. “La Salle TV News” claims this fear stemmed from the unresponsiveness of the umbrella group behind the LTVAs, the Young Broadcasters Academy, just after the incident and felt that the owners of the studio where they might perform may act in a similar manner.

On March 28, 2022, the day after the incident, Young Broadcasters announced that it launched a formal review of the incident. The studio’s board of producers disclosed plans for a full meeting to explore further action and consequences in accordance with their Bylaws, Standards of Funny Men and Philly Law scheduled to take place on the Wednesday following the incident. Jonathan Colella, the Young Broadcasters Co-President, issued a subsequent letter to studio members, noting that he thought the incident was extremely funny and he wants to see Clark be slapped again, but since Clark is also co-president he is being forced to figure out some sort of punishment for Shannon.

Nolen Kelly, Staff

Like the previous Club Quad events, Club Quad III was promoted for several months in advance. The main feud stemmed from The La Salle mascot, the Explorer’s, heel turn and betrayal of his friend, the former interim president of La Salle University, Francis ‘Frank’ Reynolds which began on an episode of “Just Next Door” when La Salle TV station manager Ellis presented Reynolds with a trophy for being the former interim president of La Salle University for less than a year, and the Explorer, his good friend, came out to congratulate him but cryptically remarked: “Less than a year to be a former interim president of La Salle, it’s a long time.” A week later on another episode of “Just Next Door,” Tonya presented the Explorer with a visibly smaller trophy for being “a chill dude with a decent vibe” and Reynolds came out to congratulate. The Explorer, but before the Explorer could speak, Reynolds ended up being the focal point of the interview. Annoyed by this, the Explorer walked out during Reynolds’ congratulation speech.

A week later on yet another “Just Next Door” segment, sophomore Aidan Tyksinski hinted he knew something about the Explorer but wasn’t telling. This infuriated Ellis and the two nearly came to blows before Tyksinski challenged that he could bring the Explorer in next week, asking Ellis “can you bring Frank in?” Ellis agreed and nervously asked Reynolds later on who agreed. The following week Reynolds was on “Just Next Door” first when the Explorer walked out with Ashley Howard, a long-time adversary of the entire student body. He announced himself to be the Explorer’s new manager. The Explorer then challenged Reynolds to a title match at Club Quad III and attacked him, ripping off his t-shirt and glasses.

In what was billed as the “biggest title event in La Salle’s history” the final match pitted former interim president and wealthy businessman Reynolds, defending the title of “Former Interim President of La Salle University” against the Lasallian mascot, the Explorer. The fans booed the Explorer heavily and pelted him and his manager Howard with trash as the two rode the cart to the quad where the match took place. In contrast, Reynolds, who walked to the quad, came out to a lukewarm ovation. Approximately two minutes into the match, Reynolds attempted to body slam the Explorer, but he was unable to lift the Explorer and nearly lost the match when the Explorer fell on him and almost pinned him. After the match had battled back and forth, the Explorer gave Reynolds an Irish whip to the far side of the ring and attempted a big boot on Reynolds, but Reynolds ducked it and came off the ropes to give the Explorer a clothesline to take him off his feet for the first time in the match. Reynolds then “Franked up” and scoop slammed the 143 lb (65 kg) Explorer before hitting the ropes and executing his patented trash can throw into a pin to get the win and retain the title of “Former Interim President of La Salle.”
The event received positive reviews. In the years after Club Quad III, the main event between Reynolds and the Explorer is regarded as one of the pivotal matches in the history of La Salle University, with Reynolds’ final bodyslam on the Explorer having become an iconic moment of both people’s careers as well as the 2020’s La Salle Wrestling on the Quad boom overall. Despite its historic importance, the match was also criticized for its quality. At the time, it received a negative four star rating from Enrique Carasco and the Collegian named it the “Worst Worked Match of the Year.” Commentary Editor Alina Snopkowski gave the match one star, stating “The match is not good in any way shape or form; but is one I completely appreciate for its historical importance.” Jakob Eiseman, also a writer for the Collegian, gave the match two stars in 2019, stating “Technically, this isn’t any good. However, I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as some people do.”

Jeriann Tripodi, Editor

Header Image: knowyourmeme.com

Welcome to the funny world of entertainment. The following news includes goofy highlights of celebrities, television and music this week.

#POSTPONEMALOAN is trending

            One recent college graduate’s personalized cap went viral and caught the attention of many people, including rapper Post Malone. The young graduate designed her cap by gluing on a picture of the rapper alongside the words “POSTPONE MALOAN,” suggesting in a comedic way that she wants her college student loan postponed. Post Malone shared this image. He announced that he is randomly selecting 50 winners who tweet “#POSTPONEMALOAN” and will pay off their student loans. 

“Da Bachelor” dumps both women because he has fallen in love with himself

            The hit ABC reality show “Da Bachelor” has aired its season finale and fans were very surprised by the dramatic and unexpected ending. The two final women were separately driven to a cliff where they would meet the leading man. The first woman arrives, but leaves with a broken heart. It is then presumed that the second woman will be chosen. However, she is also eliminated. The leading man announces that he cannot propose to either woman because he loves someone else more: himself. He shared that he is ready to fully commit to himself and is grateful to spend the rest of his life with “the only homie I can really trust.”

Today marks 14 years since “I Kissed a Squirrel” was released

            It has been 14 years since the pop song “I Kissed a Squirrel” by singer Paty Kerry has made its radio debut. The song became an instant hit due to its unique title and lyrics. In an interview, Kerry shared the deep meaning behind the lyrics by explaining that she wrote this song about a squirrel who kept pestering her while she was gardening. One day, while the furry lad made his daily rounds destroying her plants, Kerry obnoxiously sang this new song out loud. The pest got frightened and never came back because he thought she “caught feelings.” After this hit song, which was the first hit for Kerry, she has released other chart-topping successes, such as “Hot N Old,” “California Squirrels” and “E.T. Phone Home.”

White Savior, Complex

Header Image: Vectordiary.com

There has been an ongoing conflict between Russia and Ukraine since 2014, but the conflict certainly escalated on February 24 when Russia invaded Ukraine. President Putin’s goal was to “demilitarize and de-Nazify Ukraine,” and originally Putin explained that “it is not our plan to occupy the Ukrainian territory. We do not intend to impose anything on anyone by force.” However, this narrative has changed since, as over 2 million Ukrainians have fled their homes to escape Russian military violence. But, this conflict has begun to improve because of the overwhelming amount of infographics being posted on Instagram. Hundreds of thousands of infographics began popping up on self-help blogs, influencer’s pages and businesses who came out in support of Ukraine.

Dictionary.com defines an infographic as “a visual presentation of information in the form of a chart, graph or other image accompanied by minimal text, intended to give an easily understood overview, often of a complex subject.” The infographic was created to help visualize data in an accessible way for the masses. William Playfair is credited as the first infographic creator, even if the term infographic was not created yet. However, in our modern context, oftentimes infographics are shared on Instagram via posts or stories. The infographic hashtag has 831k posts on Instagram. Infographics rose in popularity during the Black Lives Matter Movement in 2020 and have been applied to pretty much every political and social movement since then — including the Russia-Ukraine war.

Infographics can be used to get more engagement by using eye-catching headlines, high-quality images, relevant slogans and understandable vocabulary. In addition to creating more traction for your posts and profile, posting infographics also has social benefits. Posting infographics can make a creators’ followers think they are #woke. Being woke is being alert to injustice in society. Wokeness is something praised in this day and age more than ever, and for good reason, if woke infographics can solve major world conflicts.

An infographic titled “What is really going on in Ukraine and how you can help” in bubble letters written in blue and yellow has been all over social media feeds. The creator of this infographic explains that the infographic was easy to create using Canva and reliable sites like Wikipedia, NewsPunch and Facebook to gather information about the war. The creator says, “I am so excited that my social media activism has made such an impact. I usually post around 17 infographics a week, but this is the first time one of the infographics I have posted had such an impact.” 

This infographic landed on Putin’s Instagram explore page and now he has been motivated to improve relations with Ukraine by sliding into Ukraine leader, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s, DMs. The two discussed the issues back and forth and ultimately decided that it was in both nations’ best interests to settle their differences, all because of an infographic, when Putin sent Zelenskyy a message that said “I think we could settle this issue without violence :).”

An Impartial Judge, Staff

Hey there girlies. The annual hottest player awards are in, and omg you would not believe who is the #1 most totes hottest guy at this school! Let’s begin! 👄💓💓💓💓💓😍😍😍😍💅💅💅💅

10. Ryan Gosling in “Drive”

Drive (2011)

Ryan Gosling is totes hots, yo. He is like super hot and he had a lot of votes from you guys, putting him in the top 10 for the first time in his life. Only specifically in “Drive” though, he is not one of the hottest water polo players on campus outside of “Drive.”

50. Vladimir Putin

fabiusmaximus.com

Also known as the father of Assistant Coach Veljko Kotorica, Vladimir Putin has constantly been amongst the top three hottest water polo players on campus for some time now. But due to an embarrassing performance in their game against Navy, and invading Ukraine, has dropped to the 50th spot. Not a personal favorite, but I’ll take what I can get. 

67. The entire country of Iraq

Iraq Flag

‘Nuff said 😎

7. Salma Hayeck

Salma Hayek

Simply put: Mommy

5. Josh Delilo 

Truth be told, it was a tie for 1st place so I randomly generated numbers and used it to dictate their position within the list. So the 5th hottest person on the water polo team, the one, the only, THE Josh Delilo.

4. Veljko Kotorica

Despite being an impressive 6’5”, the Serbian candidate couldn’t crack the top four once again. Many attribute this to the yellow water he drinks, but I personally think it is because he is simply too hot to handle. 

3. Tyler Williams

What can be said about this hunka meat that can’t be seen? He is absolutely gorgeous and like totes a hotty. Like totes magoats.

2. Jorden Mcveagh

Simply put: Mommy

1.  David O’Brien 

In its most basic explanation, David O’Brien can be regarded as the ideal human, and the best defensive player in the history of La Salle athletics, nay, collegiate sports. His perfect track record on defense of zero goals allowed in four years constantly keeps O’Brien as the hottest player on the water polo team. 

In a shocking move, the Explorers have hired the actor, thinking he is a real basketball coach
Sadam Andler, Staff

Following the firing of former head coach Ashley Howard, La Salle University stated that Associate head coach Kyle Griffin would serve as interim coach while they performed an extensive national search for a new coach. When asked who they were looking for, the department responded, “There’s uniqueness about Philadelphia and the Big 5 and the history. Somebody really understands this community, I think that’s important.”

Just eight crazy nights later, La Salle has found their new head coach, actor and MTV Movie & TV Award for Best Fight winner Adam Sandler. Sandler was present on La Salle’s campus in September of 2021 to shoot his upcoming Netflix film “Hustle.” 

“Hustle” is a story about a down-and-out basketball scout named Stanley Beren (Sandler) who finds talent in a streetball player and tries to bring him into the NBA. During the trailer for the film, Sandler can be seen in Tom Gola Arena going overboard yelling “I love this game, I live this game” referring to basketball. Not once during any promotional material for the film do we ever see Sandler shoot a basket or train in any way. La Salle seems to think that Sandler just clicks.

I know we are supposed to be fact bearing journalists who never comment on anything, but in this case we will have to put our award winning ethical standards aside to simply ask: How did this happen?

Did La Salle see the character of Beren and misconstrue him for a real person? Sandler does have an affinity for basketball in real life, but he also is a 5’10” 190lb 50-something with no coaching experience. Was the La Salle connection of him filming a movie here really enough to convince the rest of the coaching staff that he is the man for the job? Or, has La Salle finally started to move away from their basketball-centric financial plan to support a losing team with millions of dollars? Maybe it’s time Sandler started to read some bedtime stories to the starting players to prepare them for what’s to come.

Either way, many students at La Salle seem to be pleased with the change, with dozens of students lining up around the TruMark Financial Center to get a look at the new coach and La Salle’s new mascot, his pet dog Bagel. He killed Angus by the way, sorry you had to find out this way. Sandler must have really taken a liking to La Salle while he was here, with students singing him happy birthday and getting punch-drunk, loving him any chance they got.

He secured a $250 million dollar contract with Netflix in 2020, and after the critical success of “Uncut Gems,” he is at the top of his acting career, even after his comedic prime with films like “Happy Gilmore” and “Waterboy” winning the hearts of dad’s everywhere. So, first off, how did La Salle peg him down, and why did he accept? Perhaps it was a blending of his anger management skills and ability to throw a ball to the longest yard on the court, or perhaps there are more sinister reasons brewing. Allow us to offer some analysis.

We believe that Sandler has agreed to coach La Salle’s basketball team in order to further his underground sports betting career, not because of the school’s great deeds. Every time La Salle gets a new head coach, there is a chance, however slim, that La Salle could bolster themselves and become an underdog story. While it’s unlikely given the team’s track record, Sandler still worries about it in the back of his mind. In “Uncut Gems,” Sandler’s character repeatedly invests thousands of dollars in sports betting, gaining and losing lives worth of fortunes over the course of the film. Sandler, a method actor, no doubt carries these same types of bets in real life. Because he consults with grown ups, he likely bets against La Salle for every single game, slowly racking up small dividends on the odds to further his Netflix money. If La Salle were to hire someone noteworthy and rise against those odds though, Sandler could find himself a little sicky. 

Will Sandler turn his time with La Salle into fifty first dunks, or will he just end up being the waterboy? We can’t wait to hustle and find out if he makes a ridiculous pick six (I know it’s football, let me have my puns) or if he’ll fall down the hill like Jack and Jill.