The case of the missing bell

Foolegian, Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

For many who have visited La Salle University’s campus, the chapel bell has been heard ringing through the North Philadelphia streets. What if I told you there is no bell? That the university sold the large bell and replaced them with Five Below Bluetooth speakers, specifically the ones that light up. Well you would be a fool to not listen because our source from the Bell Maintenance Department gave us the inside scoop on one of the many ways La Salle kept afloat during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

With shutters covering the windows, no one can tell, but behind them, one will see a bell tower with no bell *shock*. Inside, people now see a bell tower, no bell, but two speakers facing the direction the bell swings back and forth, recordings of the bell taken prior to the sale. Even though bronze is worth $2.75/lb, the university needed to sacrifice more than just half of the school’s teams and cutting the men’s basketball budget was not one of them. Now, a church bell does weigh 4.1 tons according to Google and after I did (struggled) the math, that bell was apparently worth $22,550 and while that number very well could be wrong, it also is probably still less than the men’s basketball budget. 

The speakers are top of the line, five year old, stolen from the Union, LED display Bluetooth speakers. The same type is used in pretty much every frat on campus. Apparently, for the first two weeks, they forgot to turn off the lights so the shutters changed colors all night. This led to multiple reports and the suspicion of aliens hiding in the bell tower. Our source, a worker from the bell maintenance team confirmed that the bell is not aliens or even a bell, just two speakers hanging next to a window on a hook, blasting bell sounds. Someone searched for the aux chord and played music and to see how long it takes for anyone to notice.

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