Author: Claire Kunzier

The case of the missing bell

Foolegian, Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

For many who have visited La Salle University’s campus, the chapel bell has been heard ringing through the North Philadelphia streets. What if I told you there is no bell? That the university sold the large bell and replaced them with Five Below Bluetooth speakers, specifically the ones that light up. Well you would be a fool to not listen because our source from the Bell Maintenance Department gave us the inside scoop on one of the many ways La Salle kept afloat during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

With shutters covering the windows, no one can tell, but behind them, one will see a bell tower with no bell *shock*. Inside, people now see a bell tower, no bell, but two speakers facing the direction the bell swings back and forth, recordings of the bell taken prior to the sale. Even though bronze is worth $2.75/lb, the university needed to sacrifice more than just half of the school’s teams and cutting the men’s basketball budget was not one of them. Now, a church bell does weigh 4.1 tons according to Google and after I did (struggled) the math, that bell was apparently worth $22,550 and while that number very well could be wrong, it also is probably still less than the men’s basketball budget. 

The speakers are top of the line, five year old, stolen from the Union, LED display Bluetooth speakers. The same type is used in pretty much every frat on campus. Apparently, for the first two weeks, they forgot to turn off the lights so the shutters changed colors all night. This led to multiple reports and the suspicion of aliens hiding in the bell tower. Our source, a worker from the bell maintenance team confirmed that the bell is not aliens or even a bell, just two speakers hanging next to a window on a hook, blasting bell sounds. Someone searched for the aux chord and played music and to see how long it takes for anyone to notice.

I can’t WHISTLE

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

Header Image: Acme

Hi, my name is Claire and I cannot whistle. When I was a kid, frick yeah I could whistle, then I got braces and they messed with my mouth and now, nothing. That’s a lie. I can “whistle,” but it’s basically a dog whistle, high pitched and barely audible. This is the largest piece of ammo my siblings have against me because all six of them can whistle and rub it in my face whenever they want. It’s gotten so bad that I have been practicing other ways to whistle just so they stop dissing my lack of ability to create sound with my mouth. YOU KNOW IT’S HARDER THAN YOU THINK FLO RIDA, SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T “JUST PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER” SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN’T DO IT. Also, Ik his song is not actually about whistling okay, thanks. You know what they say “nobodys perfect. I gotta work it, again and again till I get it right.” -Hannah Montana 

Nicki Minaj featured on a new song that has a “Little Mix” of drama

Commentary

Claire Kunzier, Editor

Header image: meaww.com

The era of 2014 girl groups continues to crumble as former “Little Mix” member Jesy Nelson released her first solo track after leaving the group. Featuring Nicki Minaj, “Boyz” has reached Twitter fame due to the controversy surrounding Jesy singularly and her beef with her former band mates Pierre, Leigh-Anne and Jade. The song itself is not a slap nor a banger, although you could say its hits a little because of Nicki. Drama surrounds this song, particularly involving Jesy’s music video.

Jesy, a white British woman, is being accused of blackfishing due to the fact that her skin tone matches and in some instances is darker than Nicki’s, who is indeed a Black woman. Some of this distaste comes from “Little Mix” fans who just want to ruin Jesy’s career, very similar to the “Fifth Harmony” Camila Cabello situation, but also the genuine increase in white women tanning their skin to the point where they appear to be Black. While Nicki herself finds no issues as stated within this Tweet, “Jesy! We got all these #Jelly btchs actin real MESSY!!!!! Stop it miss gorl going live in one hour on IG to get into sum thangz,” there is still a large population of Twitter trying to start beef.

As referenced earlier, there is also just “Little Mix” deep rooted drama stemming from the other allegations of Jesy being a toxic member within the group. During her time in the girl group, Jesy has been accused of being a bully to her fellow members, specifically about their struggles with eating disorders, as well as being racist. I am talking about the vine of hers, please check it out.

Overall, the issue with Jesy is with her blackfishing as well as the accusations from her former bandmates. We are watching the demise of the final early 2010s girl bands as well as the recognition that sometimes tanning can become more than excessive.

Goals for the summer.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

I have few goals set in stone for life in general, but many carved into stone like the 10 commandments for the summer of 2021. First of all, I’m double vaxxed, I will be having a social life with my friends who are also vaxxed, all of you who aren’t vaxxed stay away. Second, I am turning 21, so you know things will be messy and I will be looking for the beach all summer, shout out Snooki. Third, I will be tan, this is a given, but I have to throw this in here so people know what’s coming after I bake all day in the sun. Fourth, I am trying to remember everything and nothing at the same time. Make all the fun memories, but also have no idea who I am half of that time, very “Hangover” esque lifestyle. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH ME, go away. IF YOU DO AGREE WITH ME, come here and let’s look for the beach while on it. 

Burned TF out.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

We have hit the wall. Actually, we hit the concrete wall while on fire and riding a bike down a hill. During the first week of May, I have three papers, of course all six pages and up, that all need their own research and understanding and have nothing to do with the other. As the week progresses, everyone is going to start throwing things at me to do and then we have final exams. I could really use a day off La Salle because I’ve hit the biggest wall of my life and I don’t want to do anymore work. I am 100 percent sure that the majority of students across the world feel the same way that I do, a hasty assumption, but everyone hates the end of the semester. It’s like someone took the speed and turned it up to max and shit is just flying at our faces. 

If I were a marshmallow I would be burned and dropped into the fire to melt away into the abyss. That might be dramatic BUT I’M TIRED. Can I please get a minute to breathe, please? 

The attack of the cicadas.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

This year couldn’t get any worse, or so we thought. Apparently, every 17 years, BILLIONS of cicadas emerge from ground on the east coast and guess where La Salle is? On the east coast. We’ve had a worldwide pandemic that killed millions of people, a president that caused an insurrection after he lost and now the cicadas are going to take over the ecosphere of the east coast. The night is going to be filled with the sounds of cicadas, the trees will be filled to the brim with cicadas, who knows, maybe if we’re lucky they’ll kill all the leftover lantern flies. The year went from, yay the vaccine maybe a normal summer, to, omg why tf are there cicadas everywhere?!? 

I think we should’ve planned everything better. If we did what Australia and New Zealand did with kicking everyone out and locking everything down, maybe, just maybe, we could’ve had this pandemic kicked last year in the U.S. and the cicadas would’ve been our only problem. Beggars can’t be choosers, but I know that I’m gonna have a natural sound machine when I fall asleep this summer.

The Oscars

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

I watched about an hour of the Oscars and had to turn it off because it was so boring. I don’t know anything besides Glenn Close lost AGAIN and the woman who beat her was funny and deserved it as well. The octopus movie won things, but why? I just don’t understand anything that is happening with movies anymore.

Whose side are you on: TikTok drama

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

When a group of about twenty 16-23-year-olds find fame on an app because they’re pretty and good at doing basic dances, there’s bound to be a lot of drama. When Claire is in a pandemic and can’t do anything, she’s gonna read up on the drama because why not. Recently, TikTok stars Mads Lewis (18), Jaden Hossler (20), Nessa Barrett (19) and Josh Richards (19) are entangled in a dating drama. Lewis and Hossler dated for several months and Barrett and Richards had dated on and off for about two years before both eventually broke up. But, while Barrett and Richards broke up, Barrett tried to scoop Hossler from Lewis, her “best friend,” leading the couple to break up. 

Now, Hossler and Barrett are dating, Richards “doesn’t care” and Lewis is crazy because she cares that her bf basically cheated on her with her friend. Last week, Lewis was on “Call Her Daddy” where she explained her side of the story. Let me tell you, this girl is not crazy because the shit they did is reallllll messed up. If you care, highly suggest listening to it because it filled the little part of my heart that yearns for drama. 

“Big Time Rush” was slept on

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

In the late 2000’s – early 2010’s the band Big Time Rush was created to star on Nickelodeon’s new comedy sit-com of the same name. The boy band consisting of Kendall, Carlos, James and Logan were a group of friends from Minnesota who got to live out their dream, but were really four guys thrown together to become Nick’s new group of stars. 

Recently, the series was put on Netflix, which led me to rewatch all four seasons and to remember that their stuff slapped hard. While the band reached lower B level status at the height of their career, they were out-shined by One Direction that started to gain more traction in the middle of their rise to fame. One Direction actually opened for Big Time Rush during one of their tours during 2012, little did they know they would pretty much take their whole possible fanbase. The group mutually called it quits in 2013 and still remain friends today, but we must address that they were actually good. Their live music wasn’t far off from their recorded music and in a recent pandemic reunion, they sang together and it was really good. 

So was Big Time Rush slept on a little too hard? Yes. They were unproblematic dudes in terms of both their show and music and actually were talented in comparison to other artists, cough Dixie D’Amelio cough. While their lives are great now, they should’ve gotten more hype, in my opinion. 

HOT GIRL SUMMER FOR THE QUEEN

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

Sadly Queen Elizabeth’s husband and distant cousin, Prince Phillip, passed away at the young age of 99, leaving 95 years young Lizzy to experience her first hot girl summer since 1947. Shawty finna to be snatched this summer, a little hypocritical of Princess Diana but tea. Anyone in the game better watch out for Lizzy and her search for a new manz. Hot girl summer 2021, get vaccinated, wear a mask and get youz a manz. 

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