La Salle hires Adam Sandler as basketball head coach | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

In a shocking move, the Explorers have hired the actor, thinking he is a real basketball coach
Sadam Andler, Staff

Following the firing of former head coach Ashley Howard, La Salle University stated that Associate head coach Kyle Griffin would serve as interim coach while they performed an extensive national search for a new coach. When asked who they were looking for, the department responded, “There’s uniqueness about Philadelphia and the Big 5 and the history. Somebody really understands this community, I think that’s important.”

Just eight crazy nights later, La Salle has found their new head coach, actor and MTV Movie & TV Award for Best Fight winner Adam Sandler. Sandler was present on La Salle’s campus in September of 2021 to shoot his upcoming Netflix film “Hustle.” 

“Hustle” is a story about a down-and-out basketball scout named Stanley Beren (Sandler) who finds talent in a streetball player and tries to bring him into the NBA. During the trailer for the film, Sandler can be seen in Tom Gola Arena going overboard yelling “I love this game, I live this game” referring to basketball. Not once during any promotional material for the film do we ever see Sandler shoot a basket or train in any way. La Salle seems to think that Sandler just clicks.

I know we are supposed to be fact bearing journalists who never comment on anything, but in this case we will have to put our award winning ethical standards aside to simply ask: How did this happen?

Did La Salle see the character of Beren and misconstrue him for a real person? Sandler does have an affinity for basketball in real life, but he also is a 5’10” 190lb 50-something with no coaching experience. Was the La Salle connection of him filming a movie here really enough to convince the rest of the coaching staff that he is the man for the job? Or, has La Salle finally started to move away from their basketball-centric financial plan to support a losing team with millions of dollars? Maybe it’s time Sandler started to read some bedtime stories to the starting players to prepare them for what’s to come.

Either way, many students at La Salle seem to be pleased with the change, with dozens of students lining up around the TruMark Financial Center to get a look at the new coach and La Salle’s new mascot, his pet dog Bagel. He killed Angus by the way, sorry you had to find out this way. Sandler must have really taken a liking to La Salle while he was here, with students singing him happy birthday and getting punch-drunk, loving him any chance they got.

He secured a $250 million dollar contract with Netflix in 2020, and after the critical success of “Uncut Gems,” he is at the top of his acting career, even after his comedic prime with films like “Happy Gilmore” and “Waterboy” winning the hearts of dad’s everywhere. So, first off, how did La Salle peg him down, and why did he accept? Perhaps it was a blending of his anger management skills and ability to throw a ball to the longest yard on the court, or perhaps there are more sinister reasons brewing. Allow us to offer some analysis.

We believe that Sandler has agreed to coach La Salle’s basketball team in order to further his underground sports betting career, not because of the school’s great deeds. Every time La Salle gets a new head coach, there is a chance, however slim, that La Salle could bolster themselves and become an underdog story. While it’s unlikely given the team’s track record, Sandler still worries about it in the back of his mind. In “Uncut Gems,” Sandler’s character repeatedly invests thousands of dollars in sports betting, gaining and losing lives worth of fortunes over the course of the film. Sandler, a method actor, no doubt carries these same types of bets in real life. Because he consults with grown ups, he likely bets against La Salle for every single game, slowly racking up small dividends on the odds to further his Netflix money. If La Salle were to hire someone noteworthy and rise against those odds though, Sandler could find himself a little sicky. 

Will Sandler turn his time with La Salle into fifty first dunks, or will he just end up being the waterboy? We can’t wait to hustle and find out if he makes a ridiculous pick six (I know it’s football, let me have my puns) or if he’ll fall down the hill like Jack and Jill.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s