Last week La Salle University announced that its football team would be returning with the hope that the team will start playing in the 2025-2026 season. This announcement comes after years of pressure from students, faculty and alumni alike, and it will mark the end of a decade-long absence from the college football scene.
There is still a lot to be determined before play can begin, such as what conference the Explorers football team will play in. Given that the A-10 conference has no other football programs, La Salle will have to find another conference to join, with the PAC-12 being the early favorite to host La Salle’s football team.
This move marks the beginning of a new era for La Salle sports, with there being hope that Men’s Water Polo, Cricket and Australian Rules Football teams will soon be introduced.
Another goal for La Salle’s athletic department is to introduce a new mascot, with the most popular rumor at the moment being that he will be called the Finder, and will only be rivaled by Gritty and the Philly Phanatic in terms of dominance in the mascot world.
“This is all very exciting,” said President Dan Allen, “We hope that these additions to the athletic department at La Salle will help us usher in a new era of gold.”
“We need to be drivers of innovation in the collegiate sports scene,” commented athletic director Ash Puri. “We hope that by introducing Cricket and Australian Rules football, as well as bringing back Men’s Water Polo and Football, we will become the go-to university for only the best high school athletes, not just in the United States, but around the world.”
The addition of these programs will have a large financial effect on the school. The long-term goal is that the additions of these teams will help drive revenue growth. However, President Allen admitted that there would be some sacrifices made in the short term.
“Absolutely,” Allen said. “In the near term, I think that students can expect some changes to life around campus.” When asked to elaborate, Allen said that students should expect dining options to continue to be limited, as well as showers, especially in underclassmen dorms (with little to no access to hot water).
La Salle has always been a driver of innovation in the academic community, and the university hopes that these changes to the athletic department will aid La Salle’s efforts in leading the way to new horizons for students and faculty. Only time will tell.
In what has been a whirlwind weekend for the sports world, NCAA President Charlie Baker announced late last night that both La Salle’s women’s and men’s basketball teams were named tournament champions after it was determined that every other school was part of a historic point-shaving scandal. The Collegian was able to get an exclusive interview with Baker, who explained the entire saga in detail.
According to Baker, the scandal started when the watch group, U.S. Integrity, noticed “unusual wagering activity” in the season finale between Temple and UAB. The line had started out with UAB being 1.5-point favorites. However, hours before the game, the line went up to 8 points, which was what initially caught the attention of Integrity, who had reportedly been watching betting lines of Temple men’s basketball games for “a while”.
“What we determined was that Temple players were betting against their team, inflating the line right before games,” said Baker. “Of course, we just assumed it was one team doing this. We had no idea the scope of this problem.”
After a careful investigation by the NCAA, multiple sportsbooks and almost every state gaming control board, it was determined that almost every school men’s and women’s teams in Division 1 had bet against themselves at least once this season. The only school that didn’t? La Salle University.
“We ran a very tight ship at La Salle,” said one member of La Salle’s athletic department. “We don’t let our players within 1,000 feet of casinos and monitor their phones to make sure no one downloads a sports betting app. Heck, we don’t even let them play fantasy football.”
While the investigation is still ongoing, it seems that for every game a team throws, each player would receive 10,000 dollars, courtesy of an international illegal gambling ring. One of the lower-tier workers, who wished to stay anonymous for safety reasons, stated exactly why La Salle was left out of this country-wide scheme.
“Honestly, we all just assumed they were a D2 program. Several people tried to explain that La Salle was Division 1, but they were not able to convince the higher-ups. I mean, look at the arena they played in and tell me that it doesn’t look like a D2 gym.”
This is not the first time a point-shaving scandal has rocked the college basketball world. In the 1978-79 season, infamous mobster Henry Hill was able to convince some members of the Boston College men’s team to point shave games so they would not cover the spread.
“Our goal was to create a giant point-shaving ring like this,” said an accomplice to Hill, who has since passed away. “Of course, we did not have enough connections. Then, when Henry testified against the Lucchese family, it was all over”. Thanks to the embarrassing scandal, La Salle’s women’s team will win their first-ever NCAA championship, while the men will win their first title since 1954. The win is especially big for the women, who ended this year with an 8-22 record. One player on the team said, “I don’t care if people try to discredit us. We played the right way, and I am looking forward to celebrating on 20th and Olney tonight!”
Ariana Grande will change name to Ariana Venti if petition gets enough signatures
One fan tweeted Ariana Grande and asked if she would change her last name to “Venti” if he started a petition and got 100,000 signatures. Grande replied to the tweet, and stated that she will gladly change her last name to “Venti” only if the petition gets no less than one million signatures.
Pinterest
Bob Saget wished he chose La Salle
During a recent episode of “Jimmy Kimmel Live!,” actor and Temple alum Bob Saget shared one regret he has: he wished he would have chosen LaSalle for college. The Philadelphia native told Jimmy Kimmel that although he loved his alma mater and learned a lot there, he wished he would have chosen the “coolest college in Philadelphia.”
Page Six
#POSTPONEMALOAN is trending
One recent college graduate’s personalized cap went viral and caught the attention of many people, including rapper Post Malone. The young graduate designed her cap by gluing on a picture of the rapper alongside the words “POSTPONE MALOAN,” suggesting in a comedic way that she wants her college student loan postponed. Post Malone shared this image, and announced that he is randomly selecting 50 winners who tweet “#POSTPONEMALOAN” and will pay off their student loans.
Twitter
Josh Groban and Joel Osteen are related
One Twitter user went viral after tweeting side by side images of singer Josh Groban and television preacher Joel Osteen. She confessed that she sometimes confuses the two men due to their similar appearance. Replies poured in, as others tweeted that the two men look so similar they must be related and do not know it. Curious fans then did a little digging and found that the two were indeed related. According to Ancestry.com, Groban and Osteen are distant cousins.
Header image: Original photo from Philadelphia Magazine
The pride and joy of Philadelphia’s urban planning, sometimes referred to by locals as the “Surekill Distressway,” became even more blocked and congested with traffic greater than normal on Monday, when a driver testing out the new Tesla Motors’ soon-to-release electric cargo truck, the Semi, plowed through several Toyota Camrys while traveling southbound along the Schuylkill Expressway across from Northwest Philadelphia’s Wissahickon neighborhood. The driver, whose name is not being released as his case is pending, said “I lost control of my body while listening to ‘SoulFly.’ It was like I left and Rod took the wheel.” The man, who is said to have had tears running down his face at an alarming rate at the time of impact according to witnesses of his Tesla dashcam tapes, was listening to the new album “SoulFly” by American rapper Rod Arius Marcell Green, known professionally as Rod Wave.
Wyoming Wister, a witness to the accident, said that when she pulled over to see if everyone was alright, all she could hear was the ominous droning of “Pipe that sh*t up, TnT / So many ups and downs, sometimes I feel like I can’t balance it / It be challenging, so many challenges (Yeah),” and the sound of tires screeching and metal collapsing as dozens of cars continued to pile up onto each other. “It was crazy,” said Wister, “It was like all of them immediately started crying and losing control as soon as they heard Rod’s smooth voice.” While the state is expected to press charges against the truck driver for his negligence and damage to the expressway that, according to a spokesperson from the Philadelphia Streets Department, “Really should just be demolished anyway but YOLO,” there are also conversations about charging Tesla’s newly appointed Technoking, Elon Musk, for including such “bass-heavy, car-bumpin’, tune-blastin’, MFin’, sound-drivin’ god-tier cone speakers,” in the Semi, causing people to hear Wave’s voice in such clarity.
Anonymous sources close to the driver say that he is not ashamed of his actions, as he was “spreading the ‘word of the Wave’” to the people of Philadelphia. His family, however, has said that they plan on working with the Philadelphia Police Department (PPD) on an investigation into the so-called “cult of ‘SoulFly’” that has been trending locally on Philadelphia based social-media and forums. For now, the PPD advises that until this investigation has concluded, and until more information is known about this Wave individual, Philadelphia residents are to refrain from listening to his music, especially while driving, and that they will be using analytics-based technology to find people who stream “SoulFly” on Spotify.
Sources close to Governor Tom Wolf say that he and Rachel Levine have been referring to this and other similar incidents across the state as “The RodDemic” colloquially, and there are worries that these are not isolated incidents, and that the vitriolic nature of Philly drivers simply brought it to light.
The Collegian will monitor the situation closely and provide updates as this story unfolds.
It was announced earlier this semester that La Salle’s President Colleen Hanycz would be stepping down from her role. We here at the Collegian have done our research and are very excited to welcome Francis “Frank” Reynolds to La Salle University. Frank is a short, stocky, disgusting man, but a proud lifelong Philadelphian. We know you are probably wondering what credentials Mr. Reynolds possibly could have to be a Lasallian leader.
As a child, Frank got to know the ins and outs of the mental institutional system as he was admitted with a rare mental condition known as “Donkey Brains,” although it was discovered Frank did not have any sign of “Donkey Brains” and has since had the condition expunged from his medical history. Frank is a well-traveled man who has owned and operated several businesses across the world such as a clothing manufacturing center in Vietnam that hired local young people for very efficient costs that was totally not a sweatshop, according to Reynolds himself.
FX
In the past, Reynolds has been in the furniture business, in a manner of speaking, and has often worked odd-jobs, getting to know the urban landscape of the city of brotherly love. Reynolds has two children that he knows of, Dennis and Deandra Reynolds, with whom he manages a local South Philadelphia bar, Paddy’s Pub, alongside their business associates and owners, Charlie Kelly and Ronald “Mac” McDonald.
FX
Reynolds is in support of national gun rights, artistic expression, supports sex workers and is a connoisseur of unique hardboiled cuisine. Reynolds has even acted as drummer in a band for a short stint and has had multiple stage appearances at his local theater. He has invested much of his time and resources into such activities as skiing, rehabilitation for drug addicts, events sponsored by his bar and company trips to various places including Ocean City, New Jersey.
Mr. Reynolds will make a fine addition to the La Salle family and I for one am very excited to see what he has in store for all of us here at La Salle University.
Well, folks, it’s finally happened! The only show worth watching on La Salle TV is moving to the big time. ESPN recently announced that SportsLine, which brings you all of your news regarding La Salle sports every Thursday (and sometimes Wednesdays) at around 8:00 p.m. on YouTube and the LTV Instagram, will be covering NCAA happenings in a national broadcasting slot.
SportsLine, hosted by the absolutely radiant, charismatic, and enchanting Siobhan Nolan and some guy named, like, Timothy or Theodore or Tobias or something, has been orchestrating this deal since the beginning of the semester. Studio manager Tonya Ellis revealed that ESPN expressed rampant interest after seeing the abundant broadcasting talents of Nolan, who made her debut as a fixture on SportsLine at the beginning of it’s 23rd season.
“They saw how engaging and captivating she was, and were amazed at how interesting she made the show even when we were completely remote,” Ellis said. “[ESPN CEO] James Pitaro called me personally and said, ‘We need to take this show to the next level. Every college sports fan needs to have SportsLine in their life.’”
Pitaro originally wanted Nolan to host the show by herself, but she refused to film the show without her counterpart.
“Tyler is just as important to the show as I am,” Nolan told The Collegian. “He talks about the boring, nerdy stuff like stats and numbers. It makes us sound more legit and like we don’t actually plagiarize our recaps from GoExplorers.com. He’s essential to this operation.”
The show’s other producers — the ethereal Jamie Smith, the steadfast Myles Williams, and big baller senior producer Isaiah Clark — will continue their work on the show, meaning that SportsLine, ever the innovators, will manage an elaborate national broadcast with literally just five people putting the show together.
The first episode of SportsLine will be airing this Thursday, with a projected audience of 328.2 million people tuning in.
“So, what do you all think about this D.C. situation?” When Virginia Governor Ralph Northam posed the question at the weekly U.S. governors group Zoom meeting on Monday, March 29, he was just trying to spark some conversation so National Governors Association Chair and Governor of New York Andrew Cuomo wouldn’t put them into breakout rooms.
Maryland Governor Larry Hogan shared his opinion right away. “Some people are saying Maryland might just absorb D.C., but, frankly, we don’t really want them.”
“Honestly, I wouldn’t mind,” Daniel McKee, governor of Rhode Island, said, “then Rhode Island wouldn’t be the smallest state.”
“D.C. as a state,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott scoffed, “that’s ridiculous. They just want to have their own senators. If they become a state, Texas will just leave and become its own country. Don’t mess with Texas.”
Silence fell over the zoom call as the governors pondered Abbott’s comments. Although they would only admit it later, many senators had considered proposing such a thing, but Abbott’s words made them realize that someone else had a similar idea.
After that instrumental Zoom meeting, the governors moved quickly and contacted their state governments. By Wednesday, March 31, all state governments had drafted some sort of proposal to officially become their own countries. Every state will vote on these proposals within the next two weeks, and it is expected that all will pass with overwhelming margins. Every state has something to gain from becoming its own country, and every governor has held a press conference in the past few days explaining why their state — soon to be country — will be in a better position in the future.
“We used to be our own country,” Vermont Governor Phil Scott explained, “we can go back to the good old days when we didn’t have to answer to the U.S. government.”
“When we become our own country,” Delaware Governor John Carney said, “Delaware will continue its proud tradition of having no sales taxes. We also have a great tourism sector with the Delaware Beaches, and we will now be able to generate extra revenue for the country by charging visitors from other countries special prices to visit these areas.”
“We’ll finally be moving the capital from Harrisburg to Philadelphia,” Pennsylvania’s Tom Wolf said, “most people think the capital is Philadelphia anyway, and it has a cooler nickname — ‘the City of Brotherly Love’ — Harrisburg’s nickname is literally just ‘Pennsylvania’s Capital City,’ which it won’t be for long.”
“I think one of the most important symbols of a country is its flag,” Maryland’s Hogan explained, “and Maryland has the best state flag in the country, currently, so as our own country we’d have the best flag in the world.”
The Philadelphia Inquirer
Current governor of Pennsylvania Tom Wolf is excited to change the future country’s capital to Philadelphia.
There will be 50 new countries in the world after the U.S. splits apart, although not all the states will retain their current borders. Washington D.C. will become its own country, while the states of South and North Dakota will merge into one entity simply called “New Dakota” in a bid to increase the future country’s population to at least a million people. The border between Wisconsin and Michigan would be redrawn so the upper peninsula would belong to Wisconsin.
In regards to the proposed change in borders, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer remarked, “This plan makes perfect sense. Only 3% of Michigan’s population lives up there, so it’s not like we’re losing much. We also wouldn’t have to pay to maintain the Mackinac Bridge, and we can funnel that money into Detroit tourism instead. It’s a win-win.”
However, there are, of course, some expected problems when changing these states into countries.
“We have a slight issue because there’s already a country called Georgia,” Georgia (the state) Governor Brian Kemp said, “I didn’t know about it until last week, actually, when one of my staffers brought it to my attention. I think it’s in Asia or something. So we’d have to change our name. Or we could sue them for rights to the name. I think we have a pretty good shot at winning that.” In a similar vein, governor of New Mexico Michelle Lujan Grisham remarked that “with New Mexico in the process of becoming its own country, we have already begun a conversation with President of Mexico Andrés Manuel López Obrador in regards to the name situation. We might be changing our name to North Mexico, and they would be South Mexico.”
These new countries will still be strongly connected. All former U.S. states intend to belong to a newly proposed union called the Union of Former American States (UFAS), not to be confused with the UFAS that is the Uniform Federal Accessibility Standards, which will no longer exist because the U.S. federal government will not exist. UFAS would help put regulations in place for trade, travel and work between the new countries.
With the recent news that President Biden is rolling aimlessly through the White House in a wheelchair, babbling incoherently, this move to separate the states could not come at a better time. Taking control of the U.S. away from Biden is both a necessary move and one that, given his current state, the president will likely not be able to oppose (or even notice).
La Salle University is evolving everyday: new programs, new buildings and new ideas. Yet, in spite of all of this “new” our institution is manifesting, one thing seems to never change: the fact that we have professors teaching students in classes. Professors have had their place at La Salle University since its inception, and their presence still does not seem to be waning. Where is the innovation in this antiquated concept of “professors”? If La Salle wants to compete with other colleges and universities, it is clear what it must do: replace the entire faculty with consultants.
Firstly, the University should hire consultants in place of faculty because they would be able to offer their education expertise to the University community. Unlike the professors at La Salle, these private consultants working with higher education institutions have a pulse on the specific needs of La Salle students. For too long professors at this institution have used their time in the classroom to ramble about their personal research and areas of intellectual interest. It is clear that the curriculum could use a revamp. If the consultants were to seize the curriculum, in theory, they could create more productive programming in which students would only take classes in business and strategic communication. This outside perspective would not only save students time and energy, but also prepare students for the outside world.
Secondly, the replacement of faculty with outside consultants will not only be innovative but also cost-effective. As a financially-struggling institution, naturally La Salle must make cuts where necessary. La Salle made a prudent decision in firing dozens of faculty and staff in the past year, but for the best results, the University must take it to the next step and fire the entire faculty. After all, with members of the faculty raking in millions after taxes, the cost of providing education to students is simply too great to justify a fleet of professors. If the University were to partner with a large-scale consulting firm, they could outsource the labor at a cheaper cost, helping the institution’s pockets. With the funds saved from this endeavor, 20th and Olney could be the University’s oyster.
Have professors made a positive impact on La Salle University? Sure, but one thing is for certain: everyone is replaceable. We have proven time after time that we can move past these trivial traditions and bounce back bigger and better as a community. It doesn’t matter that La Salle is a teaching university. It doesn’t matter that La Salle has tenured and experienced faculty. What matters is that we are doing everything we can as an institution to bring La Salle into the 21st century and if that means firing the entire faculty and bringing in outside help, so be it.
If you are wholly convinced as to why the University should make this crucial move for future generations of La Salle students, sign the petition here and make La Salle great again.
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical piece in participation of the Collegian’s annual special issue, “The Foolegian.”
checking computer for phishing emails via istock photos
On March 31, La Salle University’s Provost announced a new Email Phishing major will be coming to the University in Fall 2021. The new Email Phishing major will train students to use technology to commit fraud and steal money via email, text and instant messaging. This new course of study is available to all undergraduate students. Many computer science majors are expected to also pursue the new Email Phishing major. Business students may also find this new academic pursuit to be beneficial.
Classes will be offered in distinct areas as well as a few introductory courses. Introduction to Phishing will be a prerequisite to all other Email Phishing classes. This introduction class is being offered in the Fall 2021 semester at two different times. Another class will be The History of Email Phishing. Some of the more advanced courses will be Link Manipulation, Filter Evasion and Social Engineering. Link Manipulation will teach students the technology behind creating false links to deceive clients. Link manipulation students will create and send a manipulated link to the entire La Salle community as their final project of the class. Filter evasion will teach students how to use images rather than text in email phishing pursuits to prevent phishing filters from catching their emails. Like in the Link Manipulating class, students will create and send a phishing email using an image rather than text. In social engineering classes students will learn how to psychologically manipulate their targets into performing actions like clicking a link, opening an attachment or sharing confidential information.
Email Phishing is an essential, innovative and lucrative field. La Salle students having access to a major like this creates the opportunity to join the workforce quickly after graduation. Phishing is a wide field with lots of opportunity, especially during a pandemic when more and more college-educated people are working from home. Phishing provides additional opportunity in a growing field. This new major also benefits La Salle because few institutions are currently offering email phishing studies, so prospective students may be enticed by the new and innovative major.
While the city of Philadelphia does not have a religious affiliation and is accepting of all, they are holding La Salle University to a high standard when it comes to the Lenten season. Recently, images have leaked showing several Christian Brothers consuming meat on Fridays and BnG has continued to serve meat-based meals during Lent. As punishment for the Christian University breaking the holy rules, Philadelphia has shut off the power to the University for two weeks. The city has yet to explain why La Salle was specifically punished out of all of the Christian affiliated schools within Philadelphia, but in this statement from the city it states “La Salle is one of the older schools within the city and has to be a model for the rest of the younger universities.” The University has yet to comment about their actions, for they are a true middle child of the Philadelphia schools.
The La Salle Collegian 