Jake Eiseman, Editor

Header image: Original photo from Philadelphia Magazine

The pride and joy of Philadelphia’s urban planning, sometimes referred to by locals as the “Surekill Distressway,” became even more blocked and congested with traffic greater than normal on Monday, when a driver testing out the new Tesla Motors’ soon-to-release electric cargo truck, the Semi, plowed through several Toyota Camrys while traveling southbound along the Schuylkill Expressway across from Northwest Philadelphia’s Wissahickon neighborhood. The driver, whose name is not being released as his case is pending, said “I lost control of my body while listening to ‘SoulFly.’ It was like I left and Rod took the wheel.” The man, who is said to have had tears running down his face at an alarming rate at the time of impact according to witnesses of his Tesla dashcam tapes, was listening to the new album “SoulFly” by American rapper Rod Arius Marcell Green, known professionally as Rod Wave.

Wyoming Wister, a witness to the accident, said that when she pulled over to see if everyone was alright, all she could hear was the ominous droning of “Pipe that sh*t up, TnT / So many ups and downs, sometimes I feel like I can’t balance it / It be challenging, so many challenges (Yeah),” and the sound of tires screeching and metal collapsing as dozens of cars continued to pile up onto each other. “It was crazy,” said Wister, “It was like all of them immediately started crying and losing control as soon as they heard Rod’s smooth voice.” While the state is expected to press charges against the truck driver for his negligence and damage to the expressway that, according to a spokesperson from the Philadelphia Streets Department, “Really should just be demolished anyway but YOLO,” there are also conversations about charging Tesla’s newly appointed Technoking, Elon Musk, for including such “bass-heavy, car-bumpin’, tune-blastin’, MFin’, sound-drivin’ god-tier cone speakers,” in the Semi, causing people to hear Wave’s voice in such clarity.

Anonymous sources close to the driver say that he is not ashamed of his actions, as he was “spreading the ‘word of the Wave’” to the people of Philadelphia. His family, however, has said that they plan on working with the Philadelphia Police Department (PPD) on an investigation into the so-called “cult of ‘SoulFly’” that has been trending locally on Philadelphia based social-media and forums. For now, the PPD advises that until this investigation has concluded, and until more information is known about this Wave individual, Philadelphia residents are to refrain from listening to his music, especially while driving, and that they will be using analytics-based technology to find people who stream “SoulFly” on Spotify.

Sources close to Governor Tom Wolf say that he and Rachel Levine have been referring to this and other similar incidents across the state as “The RodDemic” colloquially, and there are worries that these are not isolated incidents, and that the vitriolic nature of Philly drivers simply brought it to light.

The Collegian will monitor the situation closely and provide updates as this story unfolds.