Well, folks, it’s finally happened! The only show worth watching on La Salle TV is moving to the big time. ESPN recently announced that SportsLine, which brings you all of your news regarding La Salle sports every Thursday (and sometimes Wednesdays) at around 8:00 p.m. on YouTube and the LTV Instagram, will be covering NCAA happenings in a national broadcasting slot.
SportsLine, hosted by the absolutely radiant, charismatic, and enchanting Siobhan Nolan and some guy named, like, Timothy or Theodore or Tobias or something, has been orchestrating this deal since the beginning of the semester. Studio manager Tonya Ellis revealed that ESPN expressed rampant interest after seeing the abundant broadcasting talents of Nolan, who made her debut as a fixture on SportsLine at the beginning of it’s 23rd season.
“They saw how engaging and captivating she was, and were amazed at how interesting she made the show even when we were completely remote,” Ellis said. “[ESPN CEO] James Pitaro called me personally and said, ‘We need to take this show to the next level. Every college sports fan needs to have SportsLine in their life.’”
Pitaro originally wanted Nolan to host the show by herself, but she refused to film the show without her counterpart.
“Tyler is just as important to the show as I am,” Nolan told The Collegian. “He talks about the boring, nerdy stuff like stats and numbers. It makes us sound more legit and like we don’t actually plagiarize our recaps from GoExplorers.com. He’s essential to this operation.”
The show’s other producers — the ethereal Jamie Smith, the steadfast Myles Williams, and big baller senior producer Isaiah Clark — will continue their work on the show, meaning that SportsLine, ever the innovators, will manage an elaborate national broadcast with literally just five people putting the show together.
The first episode of SportsLine will be airing this Thursday, with a projected audience of 328.2 million people tuning in.
“So, what do you all think about this D.C. situation?” When Virginia Governor Ralph Northam posed the question at the weekly U.S. governors group Zoom meeting on Monday, March 29, he was just trying to spark some conversation so National Governors Association Chair and Governor of New York Andrew Cuomo wouldn’t put them into breakout rooms.
Maryland Governor Larry Hogan shared his opinion right away. “Some people are saying Maryland might just absorb D.C., but, frankly, we don’t really want them.”
“Honestly, I wouldn’t mind,” Daniel McKee, governor of Rhode Island, said, “then Rhode Island wouldn’t be the smallest state.”
“D.C. as a state,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott scoffed, “that’s ridiculous. They just want to have their own senators. If they become a state, Texas will just leave and become its own country. Don’t mess with Texas.”
Silence fell over the zoom call as the governors pondered Abbott’s comments. Although they would only admit it later, many senators had considered proposing such a thing, but Abbott’s words made them realize that someone else had a similar idea.
After that instrumental Zoom meeting, the governors moved quickly and contacted their state governments. By Wednesday, March 31, all state governments had drafted some sort of proposal to officially become their own countries. Every state will vote on these proposals within the next two weeks, and it is expected that all will pass with overwhelming margins. Every state has something to gain from becoming its own country, and every governor has held a press conference in the past few days explaining why their state — soon to be country — will be in a better position in the future.
“We used to be our own country,” Vermont Governor Phil Scott explained, “we can go back to the good old days when we didn’t have to answer to the U.S. government.”
“When we become our own country,” Delaware Governor John Carney said, “Delaware will continue its proud tradition of having no sales taxes. We also have a great tourism sector with the Delaware Beaches, and we will now be able to generate extra revenue for the country by charging visitors from other countries special prices to visit these areas.”
“We’ll finally be moving the capital from Harrisburg to Philadelphia,” Pennsylvania’s Tom Wolf said, “most people think the capital is Philadelphia anyway, and it has a cooler nickname — ‘the City of Brotherly Love’ — Harrisburg’s nickname is literally just ‘Pennsylvania’s Capital City,’ which it won’t be for long.”
“I think one of the most important symbols of a country is its flag,” Maryland’s Hogan explained, “and Maryland has the best state flag in the country, currently, so as our own country we’d have the best flag in the world.”
The Philadelphia Inquirer
Current governor of Pennsylvania Tom Wolf is excited to change the future country’s capital to Philadelphia.
There will be 50 new countries in the world after the U.S. splits apart, although not all the states will retain their current borders. Washington D.C. will become its own country, while the states of South and North Dakota will merge into one entity simply called “New Dakota” in a bid to increase the future country’s population to at least a million people. The border between Wisconsin and Michigan would be redrawn so the upper peninsula would belong to Wisconsin.
In regards to the proposed change in borders, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer remarked, “This plan makes perfect sense. Only 3% of Michigan’s population lives up there, so it’s not like we’re losing much. We also wouldn’t have to pay to maintain the Mackinac Bridge, and we can funnel that money into Detroit tourism instead. It’s a win-win.”
However, there are, of course, some expected problems when changing these states into countries.
“We have a slight issue because there’s already a country called Georgia,” Georgia (the state) Governor Brian Kemp said, “I didn’t know about it until last week, actually, when one of my staffers brought it to my attention. I think it’s in Asia or something. So we’d have to change our name. Or we could sue them for rights to the name. I think we have a pretty good shot at winning that.” In a similar vein, governor of New Mexico Michelle Lujan Grisham remarked that “with New Mexico in the process of becoming its own country, we have already begun a conversation with President of Mexico Andrés Manuel López Obrador in regards to the name situation. We might be changing our name to North Mexico, and they would be South Mexico.”
These new countries will still be strongly connected. All former U.S. states intend to belong to a newly proposed union called the Union of Former American States (UFAS), not to be confused with the UFAS that is the Uniform Federal Accessibility Standards, which will no longer exist because the U.S. federal government will not exist. UFAS would help put regulations in place for trade, travel and work between the new countries.
With the recent news that President Biden is rolling aimlessly through the White House in a wheelchair, babbling incoherently, this move to separate the states could not come at a better time. Taking control of the U.S. away from Biden is both a necessary move and one that, given his current state, the president will likely not be able to oppose (or even notice).
La Salle University is evolving everyday: new programs, new buildings and new ideas. Yet, in spite of all of this “new” our institution is manifesting, one thing seems to never change: the fact that we have professors teaching students in classes. Professors have had their place at La Salle University since its inception, and their presence still does not seem to be waning. Where is the innovation in this antiquated concept of “professors”? If La Salle wants to compete with other colleges and universities, it is clear what it must do: replace the entire faculty with consultants.
Firstly, the University should hire consultants in place of faculty because they would be able to offer their education expertise to the University community. Unlike the professors at La Salle, these private consultants working with higher education institutions have a pulse on the specific needs of La Salle students. For too long professors at this institution have used their time in the classroom to ramble about their personal research and areas of intellectual interest. It is clear that the curriculum could use a revamp. If the consultants were to seize the curriculum, in theory, they could create more productive programming in which students would only take classes in business and strategic communication. This outside perspective would not only save students time and energy, but also prepare students for the outside world.
Secondly, the replacement of faculty with outside consultants will not only be innovative but also cost-effective. As a financially-struggling institution, naturally La Salle must make cuts where necessary. La Salle made a prudent decision in firing dozens of faculty and staff in the past year, but for the best results, the University must take it to the next step and fire the entire faculty. After all, with members of the faculty raking in millions after taxes, the cost of providing education to students is simply too great to justify a fleet of professors. If the University were to partner with a large-scale consulting firm, they could outsource the labor at a cheaper cost, helping the institution’s pockets. With the funds saved from this endeavor, 20th and Olney could be the University’s oyster.
Have professors made a positive impact on La Salle University? Sure, but one thing is for certain: everyone is replaceable. We have proven time after time that we can move past these trivial traditions and bounce back bigger and better as a community. It doesn’t matter that La Salle is a teaching university. It doesn’t matter that La Salle has tenured and experienced faculty. What matters is that we are doing everything we can as an institution to bring La Salle into the 21st century and if that means firing the entire faculty and bringing in outside help, so be it.
If you are wholly convinced as to why the University should make this crucial move for future generations of La Salle students, sign the petition here and make La Salle great again.
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical piece in participation of the Collegian’s annual special issue, “The Foolegian.”
checking computer for phishing emails via istock photos
On March 31, La Salle University’s Provost announced a new Email Phishing major will be coming to the University in Fall 2021. The new Email Phishing major will train students to use technology to commit fraud and steal money via email, text and instant messaging. This new course of study is available to all undergraduate students. Many computer science majors are expected to also pursue the new Email Phishing major. Business students may also find this new academic pursuit to be beneficial.
Classes will be offered in distinct areas as well as a few introductory courses. Introduction to Phishing will be a prerequisite to all other Email Phishing classes. This introduction class is being offered in the Fall 2021 semester at two different times. Another class will be The History of Email Phishing. Some of the more advanced courses will be Link Manipulation, Filter Evasion and Social Engineering. Link Manipulation will teach students the technology behind creating false links to deceive clients. Link manipulation students will create and send a manipulated link to the entire La Salle community as their final project of the class. Filter evasion will teach students how to use images rather than text in email phishing pursuits to prevent phishing filters from catching their emails. Like in the Link Manipulating class, students will create and send a phishing email using an image rather than text. In social engineering classes students will learn how to psychologically manipulate their targets into performing actions like clicking a link, opening an attachment or sharing confidential information.
Email Phishing is an essential, innovative and lucrative field. La Salle students having access to a major like this creates the opportunity to join the workforce quickly after graduation. Phishing is a wide field with lots of opportunity, especially during a pandemic when more and more college-educated people are working from home. Phishing provides additional opportunity in a growing field. This new major also benefits La Salle because few institutions are currently offering email phishing studies, so prospective students may be enticed by the new and innovative major.
While the city of Philadelphia does not have a religious affiliation and is accepting of all, they are holding La Salle University to a high standard when it comes to the Lenten season. Recently, images have leaked showing several Christian Brothers consuming meat on Fridays and BnG has continued to serve meat-based meals during Lent. As punishment for the Christian University breaking the holy rules, Philadelphia has shut off the power to the University for two weeks. The city has yet to explain why La Salle was specifically punished out of all of the Christian affiliated schools within Philadelphia, but in this statement from the city it states “La Salle is one of the older schools within the city and has to be a model for the rest of the younger universities.” The University has yet to comment about their actions, for they are a true middle child of the Philadelphia schools.
In 2016, Founder’s Hall was opened on the corner of Wister and Olney Avenues only to be sold five years later to pay for the graduations of the classes of 2020 and 2021. The graduation is to take place at the Eagle’s home turf of the Lincoln Financial Field in south Philadelphia, the exact opposite side of the city from La Salle University. This follows a rough year and a half within a global pandemic and everyone losing money, as well as people giving up on their dreams and aspirations. The six story 87,000 square foot facility, equipped with a cafe and auditorium, was sold to former president Donald Trump as he plans to turn it into his own personal fortress so that the Southern District of New York cannot arrest him for tax evasion.
This decision has come as a shock to many due to its popularity and it being the only building on campus to look good. Senior Michelle Bellosi made this comment about the change: “I mean, I’ll be sad. I used to get my coffee there, but like whatever. GO BIRDS!” Obviously no one is really that sad to see the building go, as it only used to make the University look good and not actually hold real classes. Jack Rohr, a business major, stated, “UHHHH yeahhhh, I mean I’m graduating in the Eagle’s stadium who cares about everyone else? Not me.” The University’s poor financial standing is reflected in their poor financial decisions such as selling things rather than just not building a $35 million dollar building for one major.
Comments are still waiting for La Salle’s decision to change the Union Starbucks into a Long John Silvers to accommodate for Lent. These changes reflect the mentality of the University and the new president’s values as we come to the end of the Spring semester of 2021.
La Salle’s beloved Blue and Gold dining hall will be changing up its menu for April Fool’s day. Aramark, the food distributor for La Salle, has decided to give B&G a day off of using their food, allowing the dining hall to create whatever menu they want. Naturally, they have taken inspiration from what was trending on Twitter last week, by adding “Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp” to their menu for Thursday night. McDonald’s has teamed up with La Salle for the night and is providing McRibs to be served, as the local McDonald’s has not sold enough in the past couple of weeks and needs to get rid of them.
For the vegetarian option, an anonymous source stated that “we don’t know how to make any good vegetarian options, so we will just be serving broccoli to the non-meat-eating students.” Unfortunately, B&G’s budget only allowed them to supply two drinks for the night, which will be the newly controversial marshmallow Pepsi (which should have been branded as Peepsi, but Pepsi missed that opportunity) and Doritos flavored Mountain Dew. Finally, dessert will be Jell-O salad consisting of all the leftovers from the previous two weeks that B&G didn’t want to throw out because it would be considered “wasteful.”
The University has also closed down any other on-campus food options for the night, so all students who wish to have the University provide dinner for them on Thursday night must eat at B&G. Enjoy your meal, I guess…
In 2009, Ubisoft created the iconic video game “Just Dance,” which has been loved by people all over the world as they attempt to dance along to their favorite songs. 12 years later, La Salle University became one of the first universities to create a Division One “Just Dance” team. All A10 schools will be creating “Just Dance” teams to start competing against each other in Fall 2021. According to potential captain Claire Kunzier, “As of right now, Saint Joe’s looks like our biggest competition. I heard Maddie Ziegler is going to be their first captain.”
La Salle’s first “Just Dance” team captain, Claire Kunzier
The “Just Dance” team was created by the new president, Frank Reynolds, as another way to attract potential students to La Salle. Instead of wasting money on creating this team, they should have just put that money into making the residence halls or the food better, which is probably a better strategy to attract potential students and retain current ones (but that’s none of my business).
Kunzier also mentioned the try-out process, which will begin next week. Any student who is interested in trying out for this historical team can join Kunzier in the IBC on Tuesday at 7:30 p.m. When asked about what the try-out process would look like, Kunzier said “first we will have all the potential dancers compete against each other by selecting a random song from Just Dance 2, and the winners will then have to beat my high score in the dance ‘Rasputin’ by Boney M.”
The years of 2020 and 2021 have not been well for the Christian University, for we have had to sell Founders Hall, replace the Starbucks with a Long John Silvers and now replace the beloved adirondack chairs. As punishment from the city of Philadelphia for breaking Lent and eating meat on Fridays, the city shut off the power to the University for two weeks. During these two weeks there was a cold stretch where La Salle had to burn wood to create warmth for those living on campus.
Luckily, the University didn’t burn anything important, but the beloved adirondack chairs that were bought in surplus several years earlier were sacrificed to keep warm. While most students are bothered by the lack of adirondack chairs, La Salle has taken it upon themselves to order more — a lot more. Supposedly, there are over one thousand chairs being ordered, over five hundred of them to be placed in the Belfield ave field for business classes to take place after their building was sold to pay for the graduation at the Lincoln Financial Field. Once students return to campus in the Fall 2021 semester, they’ll be faced with less buildings and more adirondacks.
Starbucks will be no longer once Long John Silver’s is placed in the main Union location at the end of the 2021 spring semester, removing one of two cheap, edible options for student meals. The decision was made after the University faced backlash over leaked images of Christian Brothers eating meat on Fridays during the Lenten season. Those who were photographed will not be named to protect their image, but do know that they were caught red handed.
This change confused many because they one, didn’t know Long John Silver’s was still a thing and two, believed the conspiracy theory that the chain restaurant is a front for a drug ring money laundering operation. Not very Lasallian of them, but the ability for all, looking at you brothers, to eat fish meals whenever during Lent is more important than potential illegal matters. Reports say that Starbucks Brandon is rather upset with the change, but when we reached out he declined to comment. Does it smell fishy to you…….guess what brother did it and maybe if we get enough correct answers we will reveal the culprit, email us.
The La Salle Collegian 