Goals for the summer.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

I have few goals set in stone for life in general, but many carved into stone like the 10 commandments for the summer of 2021. First of all, I’m double vaxxed, I will be having a social life with my friends who are also vaxxed, all of you who aren’t vaxxed stay away. Second, I am turning 21, so you know things will be messy and I will be looking for the beach all summer, shout out Snooki. Third, I will be tan, this is a given, but I have to throw this in here so people know what’s coming after I bake all day in the sun. Fourth, I am trying to remember everything and nothing at the same time. Make all the fun memories, but also have no idea who I am half of that time, very “Hangover” esque lifestyle. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH ME, go away. IF YOU DO AGREE WITH ME, come here and let’s look for the beach while on it. 

Burned TF out.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

We have hit the wall. Actually, we hit the concrete wall while on fire and riding a bike down a hill. During the first week of May, I have three papers, of course all six pages and up, that all need their own research and understanding and have nothing to do with the other. As the week progresses, everyone is going to start throwing things at me to do and then we have final exams. I could really use a day off La Salle because I’ve hit the biggest wall of my life and I don’t want to do anymore work. I am 100 percent sure that the majority of students across the world feel the same way that I do, a hasty assumption, but everyone hates the end of the semester. It’s like someone took the speed and turned it up to max and shit is just flying at our faces. 

If I were a marshmallow I would be burned and dropped into the fire to melt away into the abyss. That might be dramatic BUT I’M TIRED. Can I please get a minute to breathe, please? 

The attack of the cicadas.

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Claire Kunzier, Editor 

This year couldn’t get any worse, or so we thought. Apparently, every 17 years, BILLIONS of cicadas emerge from ground on the east coast and guess where La Salle is? On the east coast. We’ve had a worldwide pandemic that killed millions of people, a president that caused an insurrection after he lost and now the cicadas are going to take over the ecosphere of the east coast. The night is going to be filled with the sounds of cicadas, the trees will be filled to the brim with cicadas, who knows, maybe if we’re lucky they’ll kill all the leftover lantern flies. The year went from, yay the vaccine maybe a normal summer, to, omg why tf are there cicadas everywhere?!? 

I think we should’ve planned everything better. If we did what Australia and New Zealand did with kicking everyone out and locking everything down, maybe, just maybe, we could’ve had this pandemic kicked last year in the U.S. and the cicadas would’ve been our only problem. Beggars can’t be choosers, but I know that I’m gonna have a natural sound machine when I fall asleep this summer.

The Oscars

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Claire Kunzier, Editor 

I watched about an hour of the Oscars and had to turn it off because it was so boring. I don’t know anything besides Glenn Close lost AGAIN and the woman who beat her was funny and deserved it as well. The octopus movie won things, but why? I just don’t understand anything that is happening with movies anymore.

Whose side are you on: TikTok drama

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

When a group of about twenty 16-23-year-olds find fame on an app because they’re pretty and good at doing basic dances, there’s bound to be a lot of drama. When Claire is in a pandemic and can’t do anything, she’s gonna read up on the drama because why not. Recently, TikTok stars Mads Lewis (18), Jaden Hossler (20), Nessa Barrett (19) and Josh Richards (19) are entangled in a dating drama. Lewis and Hossler dated for several months and Barrett and Richards had dated on and off for about two years before both eventually broke up. But, while Barrett and Richards broke up, Barrett tried to scoop Hossler from Lewis, her “best friend,” leading the couple to break up. 

Now, Hossler and Barrett are dating, Richards “doesn’t care” and Lewis is crazy because she cares that her bf basically cheated on her with her friend. Last week, Lewis was on “Call Her Daddy” where she explained her side of the story. Let me tell you, this girl is not crazy because the shit they did is reallllll messed up. If you care, highly suggest listening to it because it filled the little part of my heart that yearns for drama. 

“Big Time Rush” was slept on

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Claire Kunzier, Editor 

In the late 2000’s – early 2010’s the band Big Time Rush was created to star on Nickelodeon’s new comedy sit-com of the same name. The boy band consisting of Kendall, Carlos, James and Logan were a group of friends from Minnesota who got to live out their dream, but were really four guys thrown together to become Nick’s new group of stars. 

Recently, the series was put on Netflix, which led me to rewatch all four seasons and to remember that their stuff slapped hard. While the band reached lower B level status at the height of their career, they were out-shined by One Direction that started to gain more traction in the middle of their rise to fame. One Direction actually opened for Big Time Rush during one of their tours during 2012, little did they know they would pretty much take their whole possible fanbase. The group mutually called it quits in 2013 and still remain friends today, but we must address that they were actually good. Their live music wasn’t far off from their recorded music and in a recent pandemic reunion, they sang together and it was really good. 

So was Big Time Rush slept on a little too hard? Yes. They were unproblematic dudes in terms of both their show and music and actually were talented in comparison to other artists, cough Dixie D’Amelio cough. While their lives are great now, they should’ve gotten more hype, in my opinion. 

HOT GIRL SUMMER FOR THE QUEEN

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Claire Kunzier, Editor 

Sadly Queen Elizabeth’s husband and distant cousin, Prince Phillip, passed away at the young age of 99, leaving 95 years young Lizzy to experience her first hot girl summer since 1947. Shawty finna to be snatched this summer, a little hypocritical of Princess Diana but tea. Anyone in the game better watch out for Lizzy and her search for a new manz. Hot girl summer 2021, get vaccinated, wear a mask and get youz a manz. 

EXPLICIT SONG

Princess Diana did it!

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Claire Kunzier, Editor

On Friday, March 9, 2021 at 7 a.m. it was announced that Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, had passed away at the age of 99 and 10 months. The gemini couldn’t make it to his June birthday as he succumbed to his several health conditions, or did he?

 Was this the work of a supernatural force to prevent the late Prince from hitting the 100 mark and dying on his son Charles and second wife Camilla’s wedding anniversary? Before we dive in, here’s a little history on Diana and the conspiracy on her death, this will be brief so if you want more info watch this video. The princess died in a car accident “caused by the paparazzi” in Paris alongside boyfriend Dodi Fayed and drive/security head Henri Paul. This is questionable for many reasons, one, the car was a refurbished car supplied by the Royal family, not a new car which was not normal, two, she had just gotten out of a messy divorce with Prince Charles and had started dating an Egyptian film producer which they didn’t like, and third, she was already in hot water with the royal family for her personal tapes released to the media. Pretty much, there’s a lot of ammo for why she would’ve been killed and the “accident” does not sound real. 

I don’t know about anyone else, but this sounds like the work of the iconic, late Princess Diana who passed August 31, 1997. Think about it, it’s her ex, cheating, gaslighting, manipulative, husband’s wedding anniversary with the woman he cheated on her with for YEARS. It’s also the woman who had full control of her and her life for about fifteen years’ husband, who in general didn’t have good health for about five years. Now, you might ask “why did she wait until now?” well here’s the reason. Recently, Diana’s second son, Harry, has left the royal family due to the attacks on his wife Meghan, the racism towards his children and overall the bad vibes. The energy around Harry is very similar to what happened with his late mother and could lead to similar issues that Diana faced. In death, a mother will still snap and go after those who hurt her children, especially when it’s her own “family” doing the negative actions. So, she did what any mother would do, she knocked the Royal Family down a peg and took out Phillip. 

Diana was like, come after me okay cool whatever, come after my kids, done, like any baddie would. Overall Diana is a baddie, she would be a boss in 2021, while Phillip is dead in 2021. Oh how the tables have turned. 

Why does country music have a lot of award shows?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor  

Country music is a personal lower level tier of music genres for me. I like a few songs, but also it’s never my first choice to listen to. A couple of weeks ago the Grammys were hosted and they honor all genres of popular music with categories to win against other genres and their own. Country music is honored in their own categories and against other top songs of the year; this goes for pretty much all award shows. But, what I don’t understand is why country music is so special to not only be in every regular award show but to also have TWO of their own award shows.  They have the Country Music Awards (CMA) and the American Country Music Awards (ACMA) as well as the country music hall of fame. It’s normal to have an award show for a genre, but two, along with several other events centered around one group of music? Someone give me the stats on why country music needs this many events.

Kim and Kanye’s divorce attorneys diary

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Claire Kunzier, Editor  

Day 1 of Kimye divorce: Not too bad. Both of them are in different homes and Kim has the kids, so everything is looking good. 

Day 2: Kanye bit North’s foot. She said she wanted to live with Kim so he bit her foot.

Day 3: Kim burned every pair of her Yeezys and everything else Kanye has made for his brand that she owns. Why she couldn’t donate them is beyond me. 

Week 2: Kayne sent cookies with Jeffery Star’s face on them to Kim, and now Kim is stomping on them. Just smashing them, cookie by cookie. The kids all stole one and said they taste really good for having Voldemort’s face on them. Saint doesn’t understand why Voldemort has hair or how he has a nose. 

Week 3: Kris Jenner just got into a fist fight with Kanye. She punched him and then said “Not one of my girls” and just became an animal. Security broke them apart, but Kris cracked open a beer and said “pour one out for the Trumper.”

One month: I quit.