Author: Claire Kunzier

Princess Diana did it!

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

On Friday, March 9, 2021 at 7 a.m. it was announced that Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, had passed away at the age of 99 and 10 months. The gemini couldn’t make it to his June birthday as he succumbed to his several health conditions, or did he?

 Was this the work of a supernatural force to prevent the late Prince from hitting the 100 mark and dying on his son Charles and second wife Camilla’s wedding anniversary? Before we dive in, here’s a little history on Diana and the conspiracy on her death, this will be brief so if you want more info watch this video. The princess died in a car accident “caused by the paparazzi” in Paris alongside boyfriend Dodi Fayed and drive/security head Henri Paul. This is questionable for many reasons, one, the car was a refurbished car supplied by the Royal family, not a new car which was not normal, two, she had just gotten out of a messy divorce with Prince Charles and had started dating an Egyptian film producer which they didn’t like, and third, she was already in hot water with the royal family for her personal tapes released to the media. Pretty much, there’s a lot of ammo for why she would’ve been killed and the “accident” does not sound real. 

I don’t know about anyone else, but this sounds like the work of the iconic, late Princess Diana who passed August 31, 1997. Think about it, it’s her ex, cheating, gaslighting, manipulative, husband’s wedding anniversary with the woman he cheated on her with for YEARS. It’s also the woman who had full control of her and her life for about fifteen years’ husband, who in general didn’t have good health for about five years. Now, you might ask “why did she wait until now?” well here’s the reason. Recently, Diana’s second son, Harry, has left the royal family due to the attacks on his wife Meghan, the racism towards his children and overall the bad vibes. The energy around Harry is very similar to what happened with his late mother and could lead to similar issues that Diana faced. In death, a mother will still snap and go after those who hurt her children, especially when it’s her own “family” doing the negative actions. So, she did what any mother would do, she knocked the Royal Family down a peg and took out Phillip. 

Diana was like, come after me okay cool whatever, come after my kids, done, like any baddie would. Overall Diana is a baddie, she would be a boss in 2021, while Phillip is dead in 2021. Oh how the tables have turned. 

Philadelphia cuts off La Salle’s power for two weeks for breaking Lent and serving meat at BnG on a Friday

Foolegian

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

While the city of Philadelphia does not have a religious affiliation and is accepting of all, they are holding La Salle University to a high standard when it comes to the Lenten season. Recently, images have leaked showing several Christian Brothers consuming meat on Fridays and BnG has continued to serve meat-based meals during Lent. As punishment for the Christian University breaking the holy rules, Philadelphia has shut off the power to the University for two weeks. The city has yet to explain why La Salle was specifically punished out of all of the Christian affiliated schools within Philadelphia, but in this statement from the city it states “La Salle is one of the older schools within the city and has to be a model for the rest of the younger universities.” The University has yet to comment about their actions, for they are a true middle child of the Philadelphia schools. 

La Salle University sells business building to pay for the Lincoln Financial Field 2021 graduation

Foolegian

Jessie Brain and Claire Kunzier, Editors 

In 2016, Founder’s Hall was opened on the corner of Wister and Olney Avenues only to be sold five years later to pay for the graduations of the classes of 2020 and 2021. The graduation is to take place at the Eagle’s home turf of the Lincoln Financial Field in south Philadelphia, the exact opposite side of the city from La Salle University. This follows a rough year and a half within a global pandemic and everyone losing money, as well as people giving up on their dreams and aspirations. The six story 87,000 square foot facility, equipped with a cafe and auditorium, was sold to former president Donald Trump as he plans to turn it into his own personal fortress so that the Southern District of New York cannot arrest him for tax evasion. 

This decision has come as a shock to many due to its popularity and it being the only building on campus to look good. Senior Michelle Bellosi made this comment about the change: “I mean, I’ll be sad. I used to get my coffee there, but like whatever. GO BIRDS!” Obviously no one is really that sad to see the building go, as it only used to make the University look good and not actually hold real classes. Jack Rohr, a business major, stated, “UHHHH yeahhhh, I mean I’m graduating in the Eagle’s stadium who cares about everyone else? Not me.” The University’s poor financial standing is reflected in their poor financial decisions such as selling things rather than just not building a $35 million dollar building for one major. 

Comments are still waiting for La Salle’s decision to change the Union Starbucks into a Long John Silvers to accommodate for Lent. These changes reflect the mentality of the University and the new president’s values as we come to the end of the Spring semester of 2021.

La Salle adjusts budget to buy more adirondack chairs after burning them to keep warm during the two weeks without power

Foolegian

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

The years of 2020 and 2021 have not been well for the Christian University, for we have had to sell Founders Hall, replace the Starbucks with a Long John Silvers and now replace the beloved adirondack chairs. As punishment from the city of Philadelphia for breaking Lent and eating meat on Fridays, the city shut off the power to the University for two weeks. During these two weeks there was a cold stretch where La Salle had to burn wood to create warmth for those living on campus. 

Luckily, the University didn’t burn anything important, but the beloved adirondack chairs that were bought in surplus several years earlier were sacrificed to keep warm. While most students are bothered by the lack of adirondack chairs, La Salle has taken it upon themselves to order more — a lot more. Supposedly, there are over one thousand chairs being ordered, over five hundred of them to be placed in the Belfield ave field for business classes to take place after their building was sold to pay for the graduation at the Lincoln Financial Field. Once students return to campus in the Fall 2021 semester, they’ll be faced with less buildings and more adirondacks. 

La Salle to replace the beloved Union Starbucks with a Long John Silver’s to help promote Lent

Foolegian

Jessie Brain and Claire Kunzier, Editors 

Starbucks will be no longer once Long John Silver’s is placed in the main Union location at the end of the 2021 spring semester, removing one of two cheap, edible options for student meals. The decision was made after the University faced backlash over leaked images of Christian Brothers eating meat on Fridays during the Lenten season. Those who were photographed will not be named to protect their image, but do know that they were caught red handed. 

This change confused many because they one, didn’t know Long John Silver’s was still a thing and two, believed the conspiracy theory that the chain restaurant is a front for a drug ring money laundering operation. Not very Lasallian of them, but the ability for all, looking at you brothers, to eat fish meals whenever during Lent is more important than potential illegal matters. Reports say that Starbucks Brandon is rather upset with the change, but when we reached out he declined to comment. Does it smell fishy to you…….guess what brother did it and maybe if we get enough correct answers we will reveal the culprit, email us. 

Something fishy must be going on at Long John Silver’s from conspiracy

Why does country music have a lot of award shows?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor  

Country music is a personal lower level tier of music genres for me. I like a few songs, but also it’s never my first choice to listen to. A couple of weeks ago the Grammys were hosted and they honor all genres of popular music with categories to win against other genres and their own. Country music is honored in their own categories and against other top songs of the year; this goes for pretty much all award shows. But, what I don’t understand is why country music is so special to not only be in every regular award show but to also have TWO of their own award shows.  They have the Country Music Awards (CMA) and the American Country Music Awards (ACMA) as well as the country music hall of fame. It’s normal to have an award show for a genre, but two, along with several other events centered around one group of music? Someone give me the stats on why country music needs this many events.

Kim and Kanye’s divorce attorneys diary

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor  

Day 1 of Kimye divorce: Not too bad. Both of them are in different homes and Kim has the kids, so everything is looking good. 

Day 2: Kanye bit North’s foot. She said she wanted to live with Kim so he bit her foot.

Day 3: Kim burned every pair of her Yeezys and everything else Kanye has made for his brand that she owns. Why she couldn’t donate them is beyond me. 

Week 2: Kayne sent cookies with Jeffery Star’s face on them to Kim, and now Kim is stomping on them. Just smashing them, cookie by cookie. The kids all stole one and said they taste really good for having Voldemort’s face on them. Saint doesn’t understand why Voldemort has hair or how he has a nose. 

Week 3: Kris Jenner just got into a fist fight with Kanye. She punched him and then said “Not one of my girls” and just became an animal. Security broke them apart, but Kris cracked open a beer and said “pour one out for the Trumper.”

One month: I quit.

Happy Saint Patrick’s day!

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

FINALLY, an American holiday centered around getting drunk has come back into the rotation. I am very much excited to celebrate this fake Irish holiday for I am also distantly Irish who loves the color green who enjoys certain beverages in surplus. This Saint Paddy’s day is a bit different for we should not be partying with no one we know, but with people we trust and know are being COVID-19 safe. Not the biggest crowd pleaser, but it is literally one year yesterday of the pandemic and as much as I enjoy a party, it’s not worth getting a life threatening disease. Be safe and not stupid and enjoy the Americanized, fake Irish holiday, Saint Patrick’s day!

Why do I love TikToker Aleena Shay a.k.a. Ma and Pa’s diner girl.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

So my TikTok is not normal at all. I don’t think I’ve gotten a dance video on my FYP (for you page) since a year ago or a Sway Boy thirst trap ever. But, you know who I do get on my FYP a lot, Aleena Shay, a.k.a. Ma and Pa’s Diner or the mixologist that will literally put anything you ask for into a drink or, iconically, Ms. queef in a pan with a side of ketchup. Do I follow her? No, she actually is known to be not a good person and I do not want to increase her profit on TikTok. She is so very naive and cretinous that I cannot help but watch her trainwrecks that are her videos and laugh, for she genuinely made a video centered around someone ordering a queef in a pan with a side of ketchup. I have come to the conclusion that Aleena is someone I love and hate, for I would never be friends with her due to her actions, but I will watch from afar as she makes a slight fool of herself on the internet. 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMek3G5p3/

Is this real life?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

Who said, “It’s your spring break?!? Forget the pandemic and do what you want in FLORIDA.” Deadass who said it and can they STFU? As of March 16, it is one year since the COVID-19 pandemic altered the world and you think that you and all your friends can just ignore it because it’s your spring break or Saint Paddy’s day? That’s some stupid, entiled, brat bs that should be disliked by everyone. “But they’re young and this is ruining their 20s.” SHUT UP, I’m 20, I’m chilling not going to Florida or going to Scranton or Penn State and breaking guidelines put in place to prevent me from getting a life-threatening virus. I, like many other people my age, are waiting for their vaccine so that maybe, just maybe, I can go out to an outside bar this summer and not die or spread the rona to my family and let them die. 

Maybe it’s the fact that I have too many siblings to be spoiled and think I’m the most important person in the room or that my parents are smart enough to tell me no when things are stupid. Like why? Why do you get to be special and ruin everyone else’s 20s? Hear me out, if everyone actually spent two weeks at home just going to school and work, not partying and following the guidelines put out by the CDC wouldn’t things be better? Call me a rocket scientist, but I think it would help and then everyone can get vaccinated and things will slowly get back to normal. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong or maybe I’m right, I’m not entitled enough to think everything I do is correct simply because it’s me doing it. If you’re partying or on a not COVID safe vacation right now, call your parents and ask them why they didn’t tell you no and if they actually care about your health or not.