Enrique Carrasco: Obituary


David O’Brien, His Closest Friend

Sports Editor Enrique Carrasco has been found dead with his head split open in the middle of the wilderness. While there were no witnesses, the private investigator (who is in no way affiliated with Editor-in-Chief David O’Brien) has ruled that it was 100% a suicide with ZERO foul play. His body also has a litany of substances both legal and illegal in his body ranging from battery acid to a pound of schedule one narcotics  (both in his lungs and in his stomach). 

Carrasco will be remembered for his many photos flexing on Instagram, despite the fact there seems to be no context to do so or anything to flex. Additionally, he will be remembered for asking his friends for homework advice as well as complaining about the Men’s Water Polo team being cut even though he has openly admitted he has not wanted to play the sport for years plus he barely played because he sucks.

Carrasco will be remembered best for his friendship with the AWESOME current Editor-in-Chief and future Philosopher-King David O’Brien. The note Carrasco left behind (written with better handwriting than usual but it has been verified to TOTALLY be his) discussed his regret over his last article and his desire for O’Brien to forgive him for his many hurtful words. He also made a point to say many of the things he wrote for last week’s issue were completely false. ESPECIALLY his comments surrounding David’s height and how weird his sleeping habits are. He also wanted people to know that David is better looking, cooler, smarter, and funnier than he is.

Enrique Carrasco
August 23rd, 2002 – October 31st, 2022
Fly High (Like Really High, Like Bro You are so High Right Now) King

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