Jessie Brain and Claire Kunzier, Editors 

In 2016, Founder’s Hall was opened on the corner of Wister and Olney Avenues only to be sold five years later to pay for the graduations of the classes of 2020 and 2021. The graduation is to take place at the Eagle’s home turf of the Lincoln Financial Field in south Philadelphia, the exact opposite side of the city from La Salle University. This follows a rough year and a half within a global pandemic and everyone losing money, as well as people giving up on their dreams and aspirations. The six story 87,000 square foot facility, equipped with a cafe and auditorium, was sold to former president Donald Trump as he plans to turn it into his own personal fortress so that the Southern District of New York cannot arrest him for tax evasion. 

This decision has come as a shock to many due to its popularity and it being the only building on campus to look good. Senior Michelle Bellosi made this comment about the change: “I mean, I’ll be sad. I used to get my coffee there, but like whatever. GO BIRDS!” Obviously no one is really that sad to see the building go, as it only used to make the University look good and not actually hold real classes. Jack Rohr, a business major, stated, “UHHHH yeahhhh, I mean I’m graduating in the Eagle’s stadium who cares about everyone else? Not me.” The University’s poor financial standing is reflected in their poor financial decisions such as selling things rather than just not building a $35 million dollar building for one major. 

Comments are still waiting for La Salle’s decision to change the Union Starbucks into a Long John Silvers to accommodate for Lent. These changes reflect the mentality of the University and the new president’s values as we come to the end of the Spring semester of 2021.

Jessie Brain, Editor

April 1, 2021

La Salle’s beloved Blue and Gold dining hall will be changing up its menu for April Fool’s day. Aramark, the food distributor for La Salle, has decided to give B&G a day off of using their food, allowing the dining hall to create whatever menu they want. Naturally, they have taken inspiration from what was trending on Twitter last week, by adding “Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp” to their menu for Thursday night. McDonald’s has teamed up with La Salle for the night and is providing McRibs to be served, as the local McDonald’s has not sold enough in the past couple of weeks and needs to get rid of them. 

For the vegetarian option, an anonymous source stated that “we don’t know how to make any good vegetarian options, so we will just be serving broccoli to the non-meat-eating students.” Unfortunately, B&G’s budget only allowed them to supply two drinks for the night, which will be the newly controversial marshmallow Pepsi (which should have been branded as Peepsi, but Pepsi missed that opportunity) and Doritos flavored Mountain Dew. Finally, dessert will be Jell-O salad consisting of all the leftovers from the previous two weeks that B&G didn’t want to throw out because it would be considered “wasteful.” 

The University has also closed down any other on-campus food options for the night, so all students who wish to have the University provide dinner for them on Thursday night must eat at B&G. Enjoy your meal, I guess…

Jessie Brain, Editor 

April 1, 2021

In 2009, Ubisoft created the iconic video game “Just Dance,” which has been loved by people all over the world as they attempt to dance along to their favorite songs. 12 years later, La Salle University became one of the first universities to create a Division One “Just Dance” team. All A10 schools will be creating “Just Dance” teams to start competing against each other in Fall 2021. According to potential captain Claire Kunzier, “As of right now, Saint Joe’s looks like our biggest competition. I heard Maddie Ziegler is going to be their first captain.”

The “Just Dance” team was created by the new president, Frank Reynolds, as another way to attract potential students to La Salle. Instead of wasting money on creating this team, they should have just put that money into making the residence halls or the food better, which is probably a better strategy to attract potential students and retain current ones (but that’s none of my business). 

Kunzier also mentioned the try-out process, which will begin next week. Any student who is interested in trying out for this historical team can join Kunzier in the IBC on Tuesday at 7:30 p.m. When asked about what the try-out process would look like, Kunzier said “first we will have all the potential dancers compete against each other by selecting a random song from Just Dance 2, and the winners will then have to beat my high score in the dance ‘Rasputin’ by Boney M.” 

Claire Kunzier, Editor 

The years of 2020 and 2021 have not been well for the Christian University, for we have had to sell Founders Hall, replace the Starbucks with a Long John Silvers and now replace the beloved adirondack chairs. As punishment from the city of Philadelphia for breaking Lent and eating meat on Fridays, the city shut off the power to the University for two weeks. During these two weeks there was a cold stretch where La Salle had to burn wood to create warmth for those living on campus. 

Luckily, the University didn’t burn anything important, but the beloved adirondack chairs that were bought in surplus several years earlier were sacrificed to keep warm. While most students are bothered by the lack of adirondack chairs, La Salle has taken it upon themselves to order more — a lot more. Supposedly, there are over one thousand chairs being ordered, over five hundred of them to be placed in the Belfield ave field for business classes to take place after their building was sold to pay for the graduation at the Lincoln Financial Field. Once students return to campus in the Fall 2021 semester, they’ll be faced with less buildings and more adirondacks. 

Jessie Brain and Claire Kunzier, Editors 

Starbucks will be no longer once Long John Silver’s is placed in the main Union location at the end of the 2021 spring semester, removing one of two cheap, edible options for student meals. The decision was made after the University faced backlash over leaked images of Christian Brothers eating meat on Fridays during the Lenten season. Those who were photographed will not be named to protect their image, but do know that they were caught red handed. 

This change confused many because they one, didn’t know Long John Silver’s was still a thing and two, believed the conspiracy theory that the chain restaurant is a front for a drug ring money laundering operation. Not very Lasallian of them, but the ability for all, looking at you brothers, to eat fish meals whenever during Lent is more important than potential illegal matters. Reports say that Starbucks Brandon is rather upset with the change, but when we reached out he declined to comment. Does it smell fishy to you…….guess what brother did it and maybe if we get enough correct answers we will reveal the culprit, email us. 

David O’Brien, Editor

President Biden has been emulating liberal icon FDR since the beginning of his presidency. While he originally channeled the former president through passing legislation with similar policies to the New Deal and hosting fireside chats, he has now begun to mimic another aspect of the second Roosevelt’s presidency. After verbally berating a constituent for asking what he would do about bringing back blue-collar jobs followed by saying a bunch of gibberish and slumping over, he was taken to a doctor for a “perfectly normal routine check-up.” Since then, he decided to spice up his look as the new FDR by being wheeled around the White House in a wheelchair. The press secretary claims there is nothing to worry about, Biden simply wants to show the public that he is a true advocate for helping the disabled. Since then, Jill Biden (who we all know a bizarre amount of information about especially since none of us knew that much about Melania) and Vice-President Kamala Harris have been speaking on his behalf. The dynamic girl-boss duo claim nothing is wrong and that “Joe is working hard to save America from the fascist state created by the GOP.”

Since the incident, Biden has been wheeled around the White House in his classic aviator sunglasses and while he has not said any words out loud, he has high fived and waved at numerous people. Why he may be wearing sunglasses indoors is still yet to be known, however, media outlets have been told that if they ask or mention of this is in any way as a “Weekend at Biden’s” type of situation they would be censored, shut down and declared a fascist news source bent on nothing less than the destruction of American democracy. President Biden is really cementing himself as a modern progressive icon and a second FDR!

David O’Brien, Editor

Former President Donald Trump has once again called his supporters to action this week. After rallying a militia of patriots, the true, actual, real and rightful president led them into D.C. where he and his troops of pure-blooded patriots took back what was once taken from him. After initially dealing with the two capitol security guards in charge of defending the most important buildings in the nation, President-for-Life Trump and his forces of true Americans took back what was once taken from them. After doing so, he deposed all the “marxist” and “socialist” politicians and placed them on permanent leave to Guantanamo Bay. Afterwards, he replaced them with real red, white and blue blooded Americans. A man dressed as a viking is now speaker of the house.

After initial backlash from two republican politicians, the GOP has decided to support the second American revolution. The only two dissidenters have mysteriously disappeared. Senator and former presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been accused of being a Chinese spy by the Committee of Un-American Activities and is now on death row. Representative Liz Cheney has been drone striked at her home in Wyoming as reparations for her father’s actions in the Iraq war. Surprisingly enough, the rest of the GOP has fallen in line after these actions and support Trump’s new regime presidency because they are the party of patriotism, freedom and law and order, which Trump has always exemplified.

 Trump has just announced his new policy plans for his second term as president (which will last one thousand years rather than four. We usually would question whether or not he will last a full term, however, we all know the monarch will live eternally in the soul of America). He will first be abolishing all privatized news networks for being fake and dumb, and replacing them with a new news station run by the state. This is now the only accurate news source in the nation. He will also be erasing all of “liberal history” from school curriculums. While no one is exactly sure what this means, new textbooks are already being produced by Candace Owens, Tucker Carlson and Steven Bannon, some of the greatest historians in modern American according to the newly appointed god-emperor.