Emily Allgair, Editor

It’s that time of year again! The time between Thanksgiving Break and Winter Break; when relationships and situationships are ending. Rather than dwell on what was good and what will be missed, I hope that this article helps you realize just how icky people can be, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. All people are icky, and these situations might help you see just how icky that certain someone really is.

1. Chasing a Pong ball

No matter how nonchalant they try to be, it’s never graceful. And the ball just keeps rolling away, always much faster than the speed by which they’re going. It’s just never attractive and always embarrassing.

2. Putting on swimming goggles

The way it pulls the skin back everywhere on their face and the little snap that you hear when they let go of the strap. Not to mention how they look while wearing goggles, not the scuba goggles, those are fine. I’m talking the little, metallic lens-ed goggles. The kind you wore to swim practice during grade school.

3. Walking up the stairs on all fours

There is no need to do that. Our bodies aren’t meant to be in that position so of course they look absolutely ridiculous bent over, knees at a 45 degree angle, butt in the air, and for what? For what?

4. Getting a haircut

Actually getting a haircut isn’t embarrassing, I’m talking about the elements of getting a haircut: the little cape, sitting there with the towel around their wet hair, their wet hair, having the hairdresser pump up the chair… Literally everything that goes into getting a haircut is embarrassing.

5. Orange stains around their mouth after eating spaghetti

I actually gagged thinking about this. The thought of the stains that not even a damp napkin will wipe away. The have-to-scrub-off stains that linger in the corners of their mouths. And you know it only happens when they eat spaghetti like a feral animal, getting the sauce everywhere: on their mouths, shirts, laps, etc. Ew.

6. Waiting for the lifeguard to let them go down the waterslide

Picture this: they’re sitting in an inflatable tube, in some way that isn’t flattering and their body is all squished together, and now they’re at the mercy of some 16 year old who just wants a summer job. Waiting for the whistle to blow, the anticipation kills them. And yes, they are well over the age of where this is acceptable. Like, well over that age.

7. Waiting for the shower to warm up 

They’re just standing, naked, next to the shower, arm extended, hand feeling the temperature of the water. If you really need to get over them, imagine that the water is too cold and they wince and pull their hand back so quickly. It’s just awkward, and nobody’s there to witness it, but you know this one has definitely occurred, if not multiple times a week. 

8. Saying “someone’s in here” when somebody knocks on the bathroom door

They’re sitting on the toilet, possibly fighting demons, when somebody knocks on the door. The sheer panic that they feel wash over them, ‘did I lock the door?’ Yes, but now the hardest part. Their voice is quivering, ‘someone’s in here!’ And of course, they had to add that weird inflection, you know what I’m talking about, as if they aren’t already vulnerable enough in this situation. 

9. Smiling with food in their teeth

They have literally no idea. No clue that there is a lingering piece of spinach in between their front teeth. Their confidence is unmatched, and yet, everyone they are talking to knows this little, totally obvious secret. But because everyone is staring, they keep talking, keeping the focus on this little green leaf.

10. Running after piñata goodies

Imagine the excitement that they feel out of this toy that is meant for children. And no, it’s not a moment of child-like wonder that they feel, it’s embarrassing because they get excited, then run towards the falling candy, pushing their little cousin out of the way because they want more Hershey’s Kisses. They drop to their knees to scoop up as much candy as their adult hands can hold. How embarrassing. 

Emily Allgair, Editor

This week, Explorers from all over are leaving campus to spend some time with their loved ones, whether it be biological families or chosen families depending on how far away home is for some. I know personally, I love being at school and usually am sad to go home, but right now, there is one thing on my mind: food that isn’t from Treetops. 

No vegetables doused in grease, no stir fry swimming in the sauce of my choosing. Just a nice home cooked meal. Arguably the nicest of all home cooked meals, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we are thankful for, and nothing will do that for me like not having to walk a mile uphill both ways to Trops in the freezing cold. Instead, I can sit next to my family and loved ones and eat mashed potatoes that aren’t completely bland and tasteless, turkey that isn’t covered in barbeque sauce, and green beans that are covered in every piece of black pepper ever. 

No hate to Trops, but hate to Trops. But more importantly, thankfulness to my home for letting me not have to see Trops for a whole five days. And oh, what a blissful five days that will be! So, when the time comes to go around the table and express your gratitudes, make sure not to exclude the lack of dining hall food this Thursday. 

Happy Thanksgiving, Explorers.

Emily Allgair, Editor

This article is inspired by a conversation that was held on the mobile app ‘Citizen.’

I’m not saying that we were in the right, but we definitely weren’t in the wrong in any way. The alley isn’t on any property that belongs to people other than the students. We don’t have to worry about non-La Salle affiliates living in our neighborhood, especially considering that the alley belongs to us and not those who also pay to live there, too!

If for some reason people in the neighborhood forget that they live across from a college, they should probably pack up their entire lives and find a place that is way cheaper, you know, like anywhere in the increasingly gentrified areas of Philly. It’s not like the people who aren’t affiliated with La Salle plan on being here longer than four years. Haven’t they ever heard of seniority?

Plus, La Salle is a dry campus. I know that you’re probably wondering how they were serving alcohol on 20th this past weekend and at sports games if that sentiment is true, but trust me, no one is allowed to drink on our campus – just ask the security guards that don’t let the townies inhabitants bring in six pack after six pack through the gate! So, we have to drink in the alley – it’s quite literally the only place that alcohol is allowed to be consumed throughout our dry campus, not to mention that drinking in the alley is our God-given right.

And if your main concern is the littering that occurs, in a small amount may I add, don’t worry! Often enough for the people of Olney’s neighborhoods to notice, we hold trash bashes and community clean-ups to better the environment of our campus. If we aren’t in the classroom, we’re walking up and down Olney with trash bags in-hand! 

As for our participation in the community, La Salle students are arguably more involved in the neighborhood community than they are in school-affiliated extracurriculars. We attend every single neighborhood-sponsored community outreach and community clean-up. We feel a strong connection to our neighbors and look forward to building this sense of community, offering them our personal beer, liquor and a bunch of food, and especially when speaking to them on threads about us on Citizen!

If you take one thing away from this article, I hope it’s that La Salle students view this neighborhood as way more than a place to use at the expense of those that live here, but rather as a place that we should leave better than we found it. And if you’re struggling to find my article to be a dependably accurate reflection of the feelings of those within the neighborhood of Olney, just check our Instagram pages, a social media platform (run by us) that is way more reliable than the voices of those who share our community!

Ethan McGlone, Staff

Reliance on cell phones and technology is a serious pandemic that plagues our society. People are being transformed into incoherent zombies while scrolling through their “For You” pages on Tiktok watching other zombies dance for a living. However, La Salle’s own Financial Aid Office has combated this issue head first in a truly inspiring fashion. For the last two weeks they have vowed to put the phones and computers away and enjoy life as it was meant to be enjoyed. “We really feel as though computers have become our whole life; our job even. This had to change,” someone close to the situation explained to me. They continued, “Why sift through email after email when we could be outside tossing a frisbee and admiring mother nature?” The Financial Aid Office is now two weeks clean of the filth that was their job of the past, and while many emails have gone unread and unanswered, many lifelong memories and friendships were made outside of the office. 

The office had a pizza party to celebrate this great accomplishment; the pineapple pizza was the big hit of the night. Of course, the only rule at the party was no technology. “Do we miss our old life? From time to time we get the urge to check our phones and scroll through our emails. However, we quickly remember that many people rely on us to do that, so we decide not to. It’s truly for the best in my opinion,” another participant in this technology cleanse told us. The night concluded with a bout of karaoke, with songs ranging from the ever so popular “Dancing On My Own” by Callum Scott to “Dior” by Pop Smoke. Even with the lack of phones, computers, and technology in the office that night, the environment and overall emotions shared were truly electric.

David O’Brien, Editor-in-Chief

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Emily Allgair, Editor

At the end of last week, I got a text from my cousin out of the blue asking if he could visit for the weekend. Of course, I offered up our air mattress and went down to 30th Street with my roommates to pick him up, but it got me thinking. What is the right way to host someone in college? Especially someone who doesn’t know your roommates, friends, school, or city?

Like, we went to Reading Terminal, got a cheesesteak, of course, then we went back to our apartment and took naps. Exciting, I know. And my cousin was the one who said he needed a nap, but thank God he did because I wouldn’t have known what to do for those couple of hours. As we all know, there isn’t much to do in the daytime around here unless it’s to visit Frogro and that Game Stop that’s consistently locked up. 

He claims to have had a good time, and I attribute that to my gaggle of friends who had special showings of their personalities after the hour of midnight, but seeing as Homecoming is this upcoming weekend and I have a friend coming to visit, it got me thinking. What would you do to entertain people on this campus (besides the obvious pizza and Pepsi, as Father Frank would say, once it gets dark)? What have you done to entertain visitors on this campus? 

Should I show her the new commuter lounge? Maybe the miniscule view of the city that you can see in the back corner of Holroyd 355? How about the Packcity locker with our logo printed on it? If she seems bored, I could probably take her to the arcade games in Union. But actually guys, what do you show people when they come to visit? Feel free to send me an email with anything that may point me in the right direction, I’d really appreciate your input.

allgaire1@lasalle.edu

Nicholas J. Signoretta, Staff Infection

Before I even begin with this article, I would like to make it known that this article and its predecessors are not to be considered “Satire”, but instead “Arts & Entertainment”.  The notion that only the first article in this saga was a form of greater artistic, intellectual stimulation but not the following two reviews is an insult to Mr. Pants, Mr. McGlone, and myself after this article inevitably is placed in the “Satire” section of “The La Salle Collegian.”  Just let it be known that I fought hard for my fellow peers and my rights to be considered as something more than just silly, satirical comedy.  Upper management has been warned of my grievances.  Now, we may proceed with the main course of the meal.

To claim that a review that no one asked for of a review that no one asked for of a review that no one asked for of a review that some people might have been interested in reading is warranted in being written and edited would be a rather foolish sentiment.  While I understand how unnecessary the saga of reviews that Mr. Pants, Mr. McGlone, and I have crafted is, I do find it necessary to perpetuate this rather silly exercise just to see how confusing we can make the title of an article in an actual published newsletter.  While many thought the drama between Mr. Pants and Mr. McGlone may have been resolved in Mr. Pants’ follow-up article this past publishing week, I have decided to insert my opinion on their own for the sake of parody and increased confusion.  From the rafters I descend with this surprise article to not only review Mr. Pants’ most recent review but more importantly indirectly harass Mr. McGlone and his review considering it is one of the most jumbled works I have seen produced by a grown, twenty-year-old man.  It makes sense when considering his rigorous coursework that includes well-known courses such as “Love, Marriage, and Parenting”.  Whatever that means.

To begin his return review, Mr. Pants first references the intelligence of both himself and Mr. McGlone and gives the two men a fair bit of credit for their intellectual prowess.  While I cannot speak strongly on Mr. Pants’ mental abilities, I am rather familiar with the brain functions of Mr. McGlone after just over a year of sharing an apartment with him and there is nothing to write about.  The dichotomy between the two men’s reviews leads me to believe that Mr. McGlone is punching above his intellectual weight and should probably back out of the match before Mr. Pants runs circles around him.

As Mr. Pants’ responding review continues, it begins to show that the review he is reviewing is not quite the easiest of pieces to follow in terms of cohesiveness.  Mr. McGlone’s review shifts in a way that is almost violent to read, missing smooth shifts from topic to topic and instead transitioning as seamlessly as a 2013 Nissan Sentra.  This leads Mr. Pants’ response to almost read like a celebrity responding to their fan mail, answering jumbled questions with sloppy responses of advice.  Frankly, Mr. Pants’ response review may also lack sufficient transitions, leading me to believe he might as well have an empty shell of a cranium like Mr. McGlone, although the fact that I too have no idea what the word synecdoche means or who Charlie Kaufman is speaks to my intelligence being right on par with my fellow writers.

The one thing that my far from intellectual peers do get right in their pieces is their analysis of the show’s fourth episode.  The episode involving the teaching of Mr. Fielder’s patented acting technique is the peak of satirical genius and something I can finally agree on with these two bumbling buffoons.

In summation, I specialize in ad-hominem and hope whoever reviews me review is harder on me than I was on these two.

Review Of Mr. Pants’ Review Of Mr. McGlone’s Review Of Mr. Pants’ Review: 8.3/10

Review Of Mr. McGlone’s Review Of Mr. Pants’ Review: 5.7/10

Review Of Mr. Pants’ Review: 7.2/10

David O’Brien, His Closest Friend

Sports Editor Enrique Carrasco has been found dead with his head split open in the middle of the wilderness. While there were no witnesses, the private investigator (who is in no way affiliated with Editor-in-Chief David O’Brien) has ruled that it was 100% a suicide with ZERO foul play. His body also has a litany of substances both legal and illegal in his body ranging from battery acid to a pound of schedule one narcotics  (both in his lungs and in his stomach). 

Carrasco will be remembered for his many photos flexing on Instagram, despite the fact there seems to be no context to do so or anything to flex. Additionally, he will be remembered for asking his friends for homework advice as well as complaining about the Men’s Water Polo team being cut even though he has openly admitted he has not wanted to play the sport for years plus he barely played because he sucks.

Carrasco will be remembered best for his friendship with the AWESOME current Editor-in-Chief and future Philosopher-King David O’Brien. The note Carrasco left behind (written with better handwriting than usual but it has been verified to TOTALLY be his) discussed his regret over his last article and his desire for O’Brien to forgive him for his many hurtful words. He also made a point to say many of the things he wrote for last week’s issue were completely false. ESPECIALLY his comments surrounding David’s height and how weird his sleeping habits are. He also wanted people to know that David is better looking, cooler, smarter, and funnier than he is.

Enrique Carrasco
August 23rd, 2002 – October 31st, 2022
Fly High (Like Really High, Like Bro You are so High Right Now) King

Emily Allgair, Editor

FYI: This is a personal list of the costumes I saw both in person and online, and if your costume ended up here, don’t take it personally. But also, do better.

Wearing a dress and one other thing

Whether it’s a crown or a pair of wings or a firefighter hat, there’s no creativity. You can’t say your favorite holiday is Halloween then not ball out, you know? Like a dress from Shein isn’t gonna cut it ever, not even this year.

Ski masks

This is mainly targeted towards my male readers, but if you are wearing a ski mask as your costume, just know you’re scaring any woman within your presence. And I get it, Halloween is supposed to be spooky, but if you have a bad reputation within the party setting on the regular, hiding your face isn’t a good call (and yes, this is definitely a call out to who you think it is). 

Any onesie ever

Just a cop out. Be creative, do better.

A Vampire

To clarify, you’re wearing the Urban Outfitter’s corset top and fake blood. Not even an attempt at fangs. If you’re Count Dracula or the Count of Sesame Street culture, you shouldn’t be worried about this one.

Superhero Suits

I’m talking the skintight, can-see-every-curve-of-your-body tight. Noah fence to anyone who wore this, but when it comes to any private area of your body that I don’t want to see the imprint of on any given day, this doesn’t change on Halloween night. 

Any costume where you self-tanned beyond your natural complexion 

No explanation needed.