Emily Allgair, Editor
It’s that time of year again! The time between Thanksgiving Break and Winter Break; when relationships and situationships are ending. Rather than dwell on what was good and what will be missed, I hope that this article helps you realize just how icky people can be, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. All people are icky, and these situations might help you see just how icky that certain someone really is.
1. Chasing a Pong ball
No matter how nonchalant they try to be, it’s never graceful. And the ball just keeps rolling away, always much faster than the speed by which they’re going. It’s just never attractive and always embarrassing.
2. Putting on swimming goggles
The way it pulls the skin back everywhere on their face and the little snap that you hear when they let go of the strap. Not to mention how they look while wearing goggles, not the scuba goggles, those are fine. I’m talking the little, metallic lens-ed goggles. The kind you wore to swim practice during grade school.
3. Walking up the stairs on all fours
There is no need to do that. Our bodies aren’t meant to be in that position so of course they look absolutely ridiculous bent over, knees at a 45 degree angle, butt in the air, and for what? For what?
4. Getting a haircut
Actually getting a haircut isn’t embarrassing, I’m talking about the elements of getting a haircut: the little cape, sitting there with the towel around their wet hair, their wet hair, having the hairdresser pump up the chair… Literally everything that goes into getting a haircut is embarrassing.
5. Orange stains around their mouth after eating spaghetti
I actually gagged thinking about this. The thought of the stains that not even a damp napkin will wipe away. The have-to-scrub-off stains that linger in the corners of their mouths. And you know it only happens when they eat spaghetti like a feral animal, getting the sauce everywhere: on their mouths, shirts, laps, etc. Ew.
6. Waiting for the lifeguard to let them go down the waterslide
Picture this: they’re sitting in an inflatable tube, in some way that isn’t flattering and their body is all squished together, and now they’re at the mercy of some 16 year old who just wants a summer job. Waiting for the whistle to blow, the anticipation kills them. And yes, they are well over the age of where this is acceptable. Like, well over that age.
7. Waiting for the shower to warm up
They’re just standing, naked, next to the shower, arm extended, hand feeling the temperature of the water. If you really need to get over them, imagine that the water is too cold and they wince and pull their hand back so quickly. It’s just awkward, and nobody’s there to witness it, but you know this one has definitely occurred, if not multiple times a week.
8. Saying “someone’s in here” when somebody knocks on the bathroom door
They’re sitting on the toilet, possibly fighting demons, when somebody knocks on the door. The sheer panic that they feel wash over them, ‘did I lock the door?’ Yes, but now the hardest part. Their voice is quivering, ‘someone’s in here!’ And of course, they had to add that weird inflection, you know what I’m talking about, as if they aren’t already vulnerable enough in this situation.
9. Smiling with food in their teeth
They have literally no idea. No clue that there is a lingering piece of spinach in between their front teeth. Their confidence is unmatched, and yet, everyone they are talking to knows this little, totally obvious secret. But because everyone is staring, they keep talking, keeping the focus on this little green leaf.
10. Running after piñata goodies
Imagine the excitement that they feel out of this toy that is meant for children. And no, it’s not a moment of child-like wonder that they feel, it’s embarrassing because they get excited, then run towards the falling candy, pushing their little cousin out of the way because they want more Hershey’s Kisses. They drop to their knees to scoop up as much candy as their adult hands can hold. How embarrassing.