LaSalle WBB Player Olivia Johnson Squeaks Past Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa, and the Mancini Twins in Thrilling Student-Athlete of the Week Race

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

via Google

This week saw one of the most intense and close Student-Athlete of the Week races that we have seen at La Salle University. A tradition created by @goexplorers on Instagram, this prestigious award shines honor and class onto its recipients. With the extreme effort put into the decision-making of each week’s winner, the La Salle community knows that whoever wins truly deserved it. In this article, I will be reviewing the efforts of this past week’s nominees: Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa, the Mancini twins, and the winner Olivia Johnson.

Straight out of the gate, Jesus Christ had a historically holy week in his respective field. Giving sight to 3 blind students, giving the ability to walk to 3 handicapped students, and scoring a screaming hat trick against Duquesne in a 3-2 victory for the men’s soccer team, Jesus put up numbers that have not been seen since the fall of Constantinople. If there were not equally impressive performances by the other candidates, this would have been enough to secure the award. When Jesus learned he was nominated, sources tell us, he immediately thanked his Father and started praying the rosary.

Mother Teresa had an unorthodox path to nomination this week, conducting her impressive performance in another country. Traveling to Ghana, Mother Teresa began teaching a group of over 200 impoverished children the way of the Lord. These children found purpose in their life and felt immediately freed. Additionally, she put up an NCAA record 59 in a round of golf, bringing home the A-10 championship, which also happened to take place in Ghana. Quite a coincidence.

The Mancini twins find themselves in familiar territory, being nominated for student athlete of the week for a record setting 167th time. Not only did they place 1st and 2nd in the cross country A-10 championships (with their sister placing 3rd), but they also traveled to Mars in a fight for intergalactic supremacy. Needless to say, they handled the Martians and the Neptunian’s in the 5000M, placing 1st and 2nd. Their performances were truly out of this world.

However, none of these performances come close to the week that Olivia Johnson on the women’s basketball team just had. In a tragic 85-59 loss to Saint Joseph’s, Olivia put up career highs in points, rebounds, and assists. Her final stat line: seven points on two field goals, four4 rebounds, and two assists. The choice seemed fairly obvious to the unbiased committee responsible for picking Student-Athlete of the Week. Olivia Johnsons garnered 75% of the votes and brought in the hardware, capping off a third straight week that a member of the women’s basketball team won the award.  

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s