By: Ethan McGlone

No one can truly know the type of person someone is behind the scenes. We all put on masks, some greater than others, and the White King is no exception to this. Earlier this week, tragic news struck the chess world. The White Rook spoke with our correspondents. “We all spent our entire lives defending this guy and for what? He’s a racist jerk.” Tweets resurfaced from the White King’s childhood where he berated the Black Dark-Squared Bishop in racist tirades throughout multiple tweets. We could not get into contact with the White Queen surrounding this issue.

Some examples of these disgraceful tweets are as follows:

“No game of chess is fair. The Dark Squared Black Bishop literally can jump 2 spaces higher than my white bishops.”

“Everybody cries when the Dark Squared Black Bishop gets captured, but where’s this outcry for the countless number of white pieces that are captured.”

“White Piece Lives Matter”

We did receive an email, however, from the victim of the 25 tweets dating back to 2012. “Fork him.” Needless to say, the Black Dark-Squared Bishop is not a fan of the White King. The scariest part of this whole story for the White Pawns is that anybody could be secretly carrying these thoughts inside. “There was no way of us even knowing he felt this way about the black pieces. Sure, he had a confederate flag in his house, a Blue Lives Matter bumper sticker, a Steven Crowder mug, and a Let’s Go Brandon shirt collection (7 in total), but how could we have known he was racist. It’s impossible to truly know.” From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Join the new Chess Club at LaSalle! Email me at mcglonee1@lasalle.edu for more information.

Emily Allgair, Editor

This week’s article is going to be a little more introspective, so ladies and gents, I apologize in advance.

No matter what point of your relationship you’re in, whether you’ve been in a committed relationship for three plus years or you just matched on Tinder, the phrase “if he wanted to, he would” has probably crossed your mind. And I agree… To some extent.

If you’re pissed because you’ve been staring at your phone all day, jumping at every notification expecting it to be them asking you out, I have a question for you: what would happen if you asked them out instead?

Now I know, sometimes it is crucial that they be the one to make the first move, especially if the last four first-moves have been on your behalf, but if this isn’t your case, put on your big-person pants and go first.

Love is a waiting game, but it doesn’t have to be. Plus, if you’re making the first moves, the odds of them becoming more comfortable with the idea to do so increases. So then even if you’re not expecting them to make the first move and they do, imagine how good it will feel.

Especially you ladies: while it is nice to have men pining over you, sometimes you’ve gotta girlboss it out and do it yourself. Nothing says “I’m confident” like asking someone out. Talk about an adrenaline rush.

By: Ethan McGlone

It has become sort of a tradition in Philadelphia for its citizens to climb up street poles after big sports wins. However, the poles have fought back; the declaration of war has been offered. Police officer Marvin Johnson told us, “Everybody knows that we grease up the poles on Broad Street to prevent people from climbing them. They don’t know, however, that we find the greasiest humans and put them in Broad to prevent the poles from retaliating.” This prevention did not prove to be beneficial. Howard Balls is one of the greasy humans that was a victim on Sunday night.

Mr. Balls has not showered in weeks. He only eats red meat. He’s hard stuck in plat on Overwatch. This man is as greasy as it gets. “I was stationed on Broad and after the Eagles lost, I saw the poles causing chaos. They flipped cars, started fires, and one even started sprinting at me. When he went airborne, I knew I was done for.” The pole climbed up this greased up human in less than 10 seconds and stood at the top triumphantly. The Chiefs had won, but the poles were the true winners. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Emily Allgair, Editor

https://www.buzzfeed.com/emilyallgair/which-collegian-editor-is-your-valentines-date-dqtpw5laj2

Emily Allgair, Editor

Call it a fluke in the system, but somehow I don’t have any classes on Mondays. So when I wake up on those mornings, I create a to-do list and try to accomplish most if not everything I write down as a means of starting the week off productively. Some Mondays, I accomplish more than others, especially if there was a heartbreaking game on the night before…

This morning as I was writing my list, I thought about my grandparents. I don’t know what sparked the mental image of them, but something deep within me wondered how are they? What are they up to? Still enjoying retirement?

And I likely already know these answers, as they always are answered the same way whenever I ask them, but it’s still nice to check in. And as nice as it is for me, it’s probably much nicer for them to hear from their granddaughter. 

Plus, grandparents are awesome. They have already lived a life greater than yours, so you might as well take advantage of their wisdom. Listen to their stories about their wacky book club conundrums or their grocery store anecdotes. Maybe grandpa had a crazy run-in with his nemesis and ended up besting him in front of a large crowd, you know, normal grandpa stuff. 

So sometime this week, whether you’re still coping with Sunday’s loss or planning a fun dinner with your loved one for Valentine’s, add calling your grandma to your to-do list. It will definitely brighten your day, and more importantly, it will brighten hers.

Ethan McGlone, Staff

“He is just so cool.” Cooler Bag breaks down as I try to console him and continue the interview. “I have always lived in my brother’s shadow ever since I was a thermos. He has always been cooler than I have, and that is hard to cope with.” Mr. Bag is a 20-year-old cooler bag from Spokane, Washington, and his very cool brother, Mr. Bag, always steals the spotlight. Cooler tends to carry an internal temperature of around 38 degrees. However, his brother Coolest carries an impressive 36-degree internal temperature. “My parents always told me I was not a mistake, but I do not believe them. No sane bag would want another child knowing they will live in constant agony.” 

Coolest was a prodigy in Spokane ever since he was 8 years old, which was 15 years ago. His name was quickly learned around town when he froze a whole banana in 20 minutes. To say the least, Cooler did not take this well. “He froze a freakin’ banana. The dude is different.” While Cooler may never truly live up to his brother’s legacy, he is slowly learning to accept his role. “I go to therapy twice a week, and my therapist, Ms. Ice Tray, tells me to appreciate the little things in life. She tells me that no one can even eat a frozen banana, so maybe my brother is too cool for his own good. I do not think she knows about smoothies.” From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Emily Allgair, Editor

Maybe I was just a big Suzanne Collins fan as a child, but with the Grammy’s being this past weekend and the Paris Fashion Week happening at the end of last month I’ve really been putting the pieces together. 

If you look at a map of Panem, Pennsylvania is District 12; with the coal mines and just the geographical placement of the district, it really is quite clear. There’s also a big emphasis on hunting, and while Philadelphia may not have experienced having off school on the first day of hunting season, many other PA cities and towns grew up doing so. 

But, for the real evidence of my conclusion: the Capitol. Let’s take a look at some of the fashion from the previously mentioned events.

First up, Kylie Jenner with a (hopefully fake, but definitely real-looking) lion head on her dress. Like what?

Next, Doja Cat with 30,000 Swaroski crystals. As if that doesn’t scream ‘Wealth.’

Now, a little comparison for you. First, Miss Effie Trinket from The Hunger Games. 

And here, Lizzo from the 65th Grammy Awards. Like be effing for real. 

And we wait in anticipation for the next award ceremony to come around for the fits, like we aren’t part of the problem. And hey, the outfits and gowns are exciting, I agree, but all I’m getting at is that when we start choosing kids to fit to the death in an arena for entertainment, don’t be surprised. (That might be a stretch but you see where I’m coming from.)

So when March rolls around and you wait in excitement for the 95th Academy Awards, be a little more skeptical about how highly we admire these celebs and, of course, may the odds be ever in your favor.

Ethan McGlone, Staff

You are sitting in your room on La Salle campus on a cold, bitter Monday at 10:30 at night, and you are starving. Wing Wong House on Ogontz Ave is now closed, so this is not an option for you. It is too late for Explorers Den and you are too broke for Explorers Den. Depression. However, the lightbulb floating above your head shone bright. “Didn’t I hear that Treetops is open for late nights?” This sentence continuously rings in your mind as you sit there silent, your mouth salivating at the thought of the possible dog food you could be consuming from Treetops Cafe.

Your mind has been made up; Treetops Cafe will be feeding you tonight. You go on the La Salle Portal to see the exact hours they are open for and the menu items you could choose from. Tragedy hits. After being redirected to “La Salle Dining”, you see the hours. Late Night. 9 PM to 1 AM. Your heart drops. Tuesday-Saturday. “What are the #@&%ing odds, bro.” You will not be having Treetops tonight. 

Emily Allgair, Editor

Dear Birds,

First off, I’d like to say congratulations. I can only imagine how exciting it must be to be going to the Super Bowl after winning the NFC Championship on your own home turf, or so I have come to find out, your own home reinforced natural grass (a type of grass that uses artificial fibers to stabilize the grass blades and roots that is also known as “DD GrassMaster”). It would have been really awkward for Jalen Hurts to sing the Eagles fight song in San Francisco, where a significantly lesser Eagles crowd would have done their best to be heard all the way in south Philly, although I’m sure they would have figured it out. I can’t imagine how proud all of your mothers must have felt watching you all play your hearts out. It almost brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. And now, Donna Kelce must be so excited to go to Arizona and see her sons doing what they love, together.

Second, I’d like to thank you on behalf of the city of Philadelphia. We, of course, went out to City Hall and wreaked a good kind of havoc, climbing greased poles and standing atop the Ritz-Carlton awning in a kind of solidarity that can only be found in the city of brotherly love. Never would I have ever though that hearing “Fly Eagles, Fly” six times on a subway car from Olney to City Hall would not annoy me, or that “Dreams and Nightmares” playing at overlapping times from three different speakers on the corner of Broad and South Penn Square would not confuse me, but rather bring an extraordinary sense of elation. Thank you for the sense of unity felt while crossing Ogontz and knowing that the cars honking at me are not doing so to catcall me, but rather to say “Go Birds,” a true term of endearment of the greatest city in the world. 

And finally, I would like to personally thank you for allowing people of all backgrounds, sizes and creeds to feel the excitement of the city. As someone who did not grow up understanding the rules of football yet still watching what I thought to be a good team (sorry to the Baltimore Ravens, but do better), the comradery of the Philadelphia Eagles is extended to anyone sporting green, black and white. They don’t care if you’re from the city, they don’t care if you understand the rules of the game, and most importantly, they don’t care if you don’t like them. And that, I’ve come to learn, is what it’s all about. So thank you, and good luck!

Sincerely,

A newly-found Philadelphia sports fan