By: Ethan McGlone

It has become sort of a tradition in Philadelphia for its citizens to climb up street poles after big sports wins. However, the poles have fought back; the declaration of war has been offered. Police officer Marvin Johnson told us, “Everybody knows that we grease up the poles on Broad Street to prevent people from climbing them. They don’t know, however, that we find the greasiest humans and put them in Broad to prevent the poles from retaliating.” This prevention did not prove to be beneficial. Howard Balls is one of the greasy humans that was a victim on Sunday night.

Mr. Balls has not showered in weeks. He only eats red meat. He’s hard stuck in plat on Overwatch. This man is as greasy as it gets. “I was stationed on Broad and after the Eagles lost, I saw the poles causing chaos. They flipped cars, started fires, and one even started sprinting at me. When he went airborne, I knew I was done for.” The pole climbed up this greased up human in less than 10 seconds and stood at the top triumphantly. The Chiefs had won, but the poles were the true winners. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.