Cooler Bag Feels Jealous of his Over-Achieving Brother Coolest Bag


Ethan McGlone, Staff


“He is just so cool.” Cooler Bag breaks down as I try to console him and continue the interview. “I have always lived in my brother’s shadow ever since I was a thermos. He has always been cooler than I have, and that is hard to cope with.” Mr. Bag is a 20-year-old cooler bag from Spokane, Washington, and his very cool brother, Mr. Bag, always steals the spotlight. Cooler tends to carry an internal temperature of around 38 degrees. However, his brother Coolest carries an impressive 36-degree internal temperature. “My parents always told me I was not a mistake, but I do not believe them. No sane bag would want another child knowing they will live in constant agony.” 

Coolest was a prodigy in Spokane ever since he was 8 years old, which was 15 years ago. His name was quickly learned around town when he froze a whole banana in 20 minutes. To say the least, Cooler did not take this well. “He froze a freakin’ banana. The dude is different.” While Cooler may never truly live up to his brother’s legacy, he is slowly learning to accept his role. “I go to therapy twice a week, and my therapist, Ms. Ice Tray, tells me to appreciate the little things in life. She tells me that no one can even eat a frozen banana, so maybe my brother is too cool for his own good. I do not think she knows about smoothies.” From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

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