President Dan Allen calls for gladiatorial challenge

Joseph Battista, Editor

As the graduation date for La Salle’s class of 2024 draws nearer, I am sure you have been made aware of the changes to the day’s itinerary. What was once the big event of the day, the undergraduate ceremony, which begins at 10 a.m., has been toppled. La Salle’s President Dan Allen announced last week that this graduation will be the best since the school’s foundation in 1863.

This year, President Allen is challenging a feral bobcat to a one-on-one duel on the campus quad at 12:30 p.m., under the stage name, Silver Fox. Chasing the high of the $10 million Charter Challenge, last year’s fundraising initiative for La Salle University, this event is another step in the president’s fundraising binge.

At 12 p.m., the showdown begins with an undercard match. This undercard match is between the La Salle Explorer and a flock of crows, before the title fight. You don’t want to miss this.

Attendees can donate to support La Salle’s gladiatorial efforts or bet on the fight through La Salle’s financial team. Odds are currently 5/8 in President Allen’s favor, considering the statistical match-up. The Explorer’s projected odds are 10/4; the crows have been spotted flying in guerilla-like formations since the fight’s announcement.

Allen’s weight and reach are greater than the bobcat, which weighs 38.2 lbs. Sources close to the Silver Fox state that he is religiously preparing for the fight and feeling confident. His preparations include nightly training against small mammals such as squirrels and invasive groundhogs, along with calcium supplements for fortified nails built for clawing.

Stakes for the fight are high. There has been no official comment on how these fights will conclude or if it will be till death. One can only hope our president has it in him to put on a show.

Big Bird not so big? Ozempic craze strikes again

Arts & Entertainment, Foolegian

Emily Allgair, Editor

With celebrities like Oprah Winfrey, Elon Musk and Amy Schumer admitting to using Ozempic for weight loss, the injectable medication has quickly become a household name – but at what cost? Should our youngest, most vulnerable population be subject to this drug’s latest craze?

In a shocking turn of events, not even Sesame Street is safe from the allure that Ozempic has created. In recent weeks, some online skeptics have been drawing attention to Big Bird, accusing him of using the drug to become just “Bird.”

Approved by the FDA in 2017, Ozempic was originally intended as a Type 2 Diabetes drug with a common side effect being weight loss while its competitor Wygovy has been specifically approved for weight loss. Both Ozempic and Wygovy are name brands of the drug semaglutide, which imitates GP-1. GP-1, in being the hormone released by the body after eating, stimulates insulin secretion and sparks movement of glucose in cells, therefore creating energy. (This is a scientific way of saying that the drug mimics the feeling of satisfaction and satiation.)

In a double-blind trial, it was reported that the use of this drug resulted in an approximate 15% loss in body weight after 16 months. And, on top of the easy weight-loss, those taking this medication have been seen to have lower risks of heart attacks, strokes and death due to cardiovascular disease when injected on a weekly basis.

So you might be asking, what’s the big deal? Maybe Big Bird has been silently struggling with losing and keeping off the weight, so why not give Ozempic a try?

Some critics of his alleged decision fear that it introduces the idea of unhealthy lifestyle choices to some of the nation’s youngest television viewers, while others simply don’t support the secrecy of it all.

Either way, this has yet to be confirmed. But, if you’re noticing less feathers on Big Bird these days, you are not alone. And who knows? Maybe in a couple of weeks we will know Sesame Street’s main characters as Elmo, Oscar, and, now, just Bird.

La Salle’s basketball teams win NCAA tournaments thanks to point-shaving scandals

Foolegian, Sports

Aidan Tyksinski, Editor

In what has been a whirlwind weekend for the sports world, NCAA President Charlie Baker announced late last night that both La Salle’s women’s and men’s basketball teams were named tournament champions after it was determined that every other school was part of a historic point-shaving scandal. The Collegian was able to get an exclusive interview with Baker, who explained the entire saga in detail.

According to Baker, the scandal started when the watch group, U.S. Integrity, noticed “unusual wagering activity” in the season finale between Temple and UAB. The line had started out with UAB being 1.5-point favorites. However, hours before the game, the line went up to 8 points, which was what initially caught the attention of Integrity, who had reportedly been watching betting lines of Temple men’s basketball games for “a while”.

“What we determined was that Temple players were betting against their team, inflating the line right before games,” said Baker. “Of course, we just assumed it was one team doing this. We had no idea the scope of this problem.”

After a careful investigation by the NCAA, multiple sportsbooks and almost every state gaming control board, it was determined that almost every school men’s and women’s teams in Division 1 had bet against themselves at least once this season. The only school that didn’t? La Salle University.

“We ran a very tight ship at La Salle,” said one member of La Salle’s athletic department. “We don’t let our players within 1,000 feet of casinos and monitor their phones to make sure no one downloads a sports betting app. Heck, we don’t even let them play fantasy football.”

While the investigation is still ongoing, it seems that for every game a team throws, each player would receive 10,000 dollars, courtesy of an international illegal gambling ring. One of the lower-tier workers, who wished to stay anonymous for safety reasons, stated exactly why La Salle was left out of this country-wide scheme.

“Honestly, we all just assumed they were a D2 program. Several people tried to explain that La Salle was Division 1, but they were not able to convince the higher-ups. I mean, look at the arena they played in and tell me that it doesn’t look like a D2 gym.”

This is not the first time a point-shaving scandal has rocked the college basketball world. In the 1978-79 season, infamous mobster Henry Hill was able to convince some members of the Boston College men’s team to point shave games so they would not cover the spread.

“Our goal was to create a giant point-shaving ring like this,” said an accomplice to Hill, who has since passed away. “Of course, we did not have enough connections. Then, when Henry testified against the Lucchese family, it was all over”.
Thanks to the embarrassing scandal, La Salle’s women’s team will win their first-ever NCAA championship, while the men will win their first title since 1954. The win is especially big for the women, who ended this year with an 8-22 record. One player on the team said, “I don’t care if people try to discredit us. We played the right way, and I am looking forward to celebrating on 20^th and Olney tonight!”

Barron Trump is the newest member of Too Hot To Handle season six

Foolegian, national politics, Politics

Jya Marshall, Staff Writer

Coming to the beaches near you is the newest, the hottest, the drama-est season of Too Hot To Handle yet with special guest star – Barron Trump.

For those who have lived under a rock since 2020, you not only missed a global pandemic but also missed out on Netflix’s epidemic of infamous reality dating shows, including Too Hot To Handle (THTH). Created by Laura Gibson, the show revolves around a group of the hottest singles, who primarily entertain meaningless flings and have been unsuccessful in forming long-lasting relationships. Contestants are placed in a house together for four weeks and must go through several workshops all while prohibited from any sexual or intimate activities with themselves or others. If the cast members engage in these acts, they are breaking the rules and risk the reduction of the monetary prize fund.

Early last week, the producers of Too Hot To Handle released the cast list in anticipation of its sixth season coming this summer. Beyond the show changing continents, traveling from Europe to North America, fans were even more surprised to see the son of the former U.S. president heading to the Hamptons.

Set to graduate from Oxbridge Academy High School in June of this year, the 6-foot-seven, dark-haired, American-Solvenian has attracted the eyes of many now that he has turned 18, making him the youngest, most eligible bachelor, according to THTH.

Continuing his father’s legacy on the screen, Donald Trump reportedly stated in an interview with Lana, the show’s virtual assistant, that he will always “support [his] son’s endeavors,” and has increased the pot of money to 2 million dollars. Critics of the former president and New York City Judge Arthur Engoron, who imposed a nearly half-billion dollar judgment against Trump, were outraged, arguing that Donald Trump is “full of it” and has the funds to settle his bond, especially if he just financed a reality show for his son.

However, many people on both sides of the political spectrum have shared their excitement for this season and bonded over their love for Barron. Further, news channels like CNN and Fox also recently declared that the show will “heal the partisan divide in the U.S.,” according to a study conducted by Instagram University, which showed use of the hashtag, #barronishot by both democrats and republicans. The notorious TikTok community has also weighed in on the debacle. Yet, they are less concerned about Donald Trump and political partisanship and more curious about which cast member Barron will fancy.

Although Barron has not openly commented about his involvement on the show, fans are ecstatically awaiting his emergence into the public eye after being hidden for so long by his father. Some extreme Too Hot Too Handle fans have even gone as far as applying to be on the show, as this season will be the first time in show history that there will be an open casting call.

So, keep refreshing your social media feeds and scrolling through Netflix because this summer, Barron Trump is too hot to handle!

TikTok is turning into a dating website

Foolegian, Politics

Maya Martin, Editor

As many are aware, TikTok has been under fire for quite some time because of security concerns. The United States House of Representatives recently voted to pass a law that could have made a possible end to the app.

The law would force “the app to be sold by its Chinese parent company or face a stateside ban,” according to CBS News.

Fortunately for TikTok users, however, the app was already bought out by another company and plans to remain for years to come. There will be major changes to the app as we know it.

The company that bought out TikTok is Match Group, which is an online dating service company that owns Tinder, Hinge, Match.com and other dating websites. Match Group plans to turn TikTok into what it’s calling “a new and innovative dating website in which users will create and post videos to match online,” said CEO Bernard Kim.

Users will film videos talking about themselves and who they are. These videos will appear on the For You Pages (FYP) of other users, and like Tinder, you can swipe left or right to match or not. If a user swipes right on someone, they will be taken to the person’s TikTok account in which they can browse their account, interact with their content and send DMs.

“The plan is to change the app name from TikTok to TikTok Love,” said Kim. “We are projecting that TikTok Love will be the most successful dating app to go down in history.”

Along with all of the new features of TikTok Love, Kim and other members of Match Group are aware of potential issues with younger users. In the United States, minors “are prohibited from having profiles on dating apps and services if they are under 18,” according to the National Cybersecurity Alliance.

Because of age restrictions, TikTok Love will only be available for users 18 and older. Any current TikTok users under the age of 18 will be removed from the app before it completes its transition to TikTok Love.

“While we understand the frustrations younger TikTok users may have, we must protect the safety of all,” said Kim. “Hopefully when younger users turn 18, they will feel inclined to rejoin the app and find a romantic connection of their own.”

With this upcoming transition, many are asking when and how this will happen. The transition from TikTok to TikTok Love is set to occur later this year, sometime in October. Match Group will be working in the meantime on all of the logistics.

The United States government and President Joe Biden heavily approve this transition into TikTok Love. Because TikTok was bought out by Match Group, an American owned and operated company, they feel safer in terms of security concerns and data breaches.

“TikTok Love is the change we need,” said President Biden. “And hey, who knows, maybe I will even get my grandkids to join the app.”

In addition to alleviating security concerns, TikTok Love will help with minor safety. The government and many parents in the United States have been worried about the effects that TikTok has on young users. Now that TikTok Love users must be 18 or older, that problem will be eliminated.

In the meantime until October, users can still enjoy the same amenities and features TikTok has to offer. Kim and other members of the Match Group company “hope TikTok users have enjoyed their time on the app and are excited to see the future of what is to come with TikTok Love.”

La Salle announces major changes to sporting department

Foolegian, Sports, Uncategorized

Andrew Noel, Staff Writer

Last week La Salle University announced that its football team would be returning with the hope that the team will start playing in the 2025-2026 season. This announcement comes after years of pressure from students, faculty and alumni alike, and it will mark the end of a decade-long absence from the college football scene.

There is still a lot to be determined before play can begin, such as what conference the Explorers football team will play in. Given that the A-10 conference has no other football programs, La Salle will have to find another conference to join, with the PAC-12 being the early favorite to host La Salle’s football team.

This move marks the beginning of a new era for La Salle sports, with there being hope that Men’s Water Polo, Cricket and Australian Rules Football teams will soon be introduced.

Another goal for La Salle’s athletic department is to introduce a new mascot, with the most popular rumor at the moment being that he will be called the Finder, and will only be rivaled by Gritty and the Philly Phanatic in terms of dominance in the mascot world.

“This is all very exciting,” said President Dan Allen, “We hope that these additions to the athletic department at La Salle will help us usher in a new era of gold.”

“We need to be drivers of innovation in the collegiate sports scene,” commented athletic director Ash Puri. “We hope that by introducing Cricket and Australian Rules football, as well as bringing back Men’s Water Polo and Football, we will become the go-to university for only the best high school athletes, not just in the United States, but around the world.”

The addition of these programs will have a large financial effect on the school. The long-term goal is that the additions of these teams will help drive revenue growth. However, President Allen admitted that there would be some sacrifices made in the short term.

“Absolutely,” Allen said. “In the near term, I think that students can expect some changes to life around campus.” When asked to elaborate, Allen said that students should expect dining options to continue to be limited, as well as showers, especially in underclassmen dorms (with little to no access to hot water).

La Salle has always been a driver of innovation in the academic community, and the university hopes that these changes to the athletic department will aid La Salle’s efforts in leading the way to new horizons for students and faculty. Only time will tell.

Local sports editor mysteriously disappears after trash-talking local cricket superstar

Foolegian

Enrique Carrasco, Editor

Ralph Smith, the sports editor for Central High School’s student-run newspaper, The Centralizer, has been reported missing. This report comes shortly after the Editor wrote an article trash-talking local cricket superstar Bur-a-boo Sockball and their loss in the cricket world cup, costing Sockball his entire career. Messages were later found on Smith’s phone showcasing an interaction between Sockball and Smith, where Sockball stated, “I am a lot more richer than you, and i can hit a ball very good… you are nothing”. Smith simply responded, “Please, sir, I’m only 15”.

Authorities are confused about the nature of the kidnapping, seeing how Smith only made a simple report stating the outcome of his last cricket match. Size 9 footprints were found at the crime scene, next to a plunger and a Louisville t-shirt.

The folks at The Collegian will continue to report on the issue as new information is brought to light.

Bagel Review With Claire And Luke: Sid Booker’s Shrimp Corner, Philadelphia, PA

Foolegian

Nicholas Signoretta, Editor

Breakfast Sandwich. (courtesy of Claire Ortiz)

Welcome back to Bagel Reviews with Claire and Luke. This week, we took a trip to one of our favorite local spots by campus to consume the treasure that is offered at the corner of Belfield Avenue and Broad Street. Sid Booker’s is a classic spot to indulge in one of the tastiest breakfast sandwiches west of the Delaware, so Claire and I knew we had to hit up this spot soon for another bagel review.

Sid Booker’s Shrimp Corner. (courtesy of Claire Ortiz)

Unfortunately, Sid Booker’s was out of sausage, bacon, eggs, cheese, and any bagels whatsoever, so we had to give them a strike for that. Having to deviate from our normal order, Claire and I instead settled on a half-dozen shrimp. The shrimp were well fried and crispy, and the potato chips that were clearly out of a Herr’s ridged bag were the perfect complement to the breaded shellfish. Overall, we’re going to give it a A=lwh/5.

Sid Booker’s Menu. (courtesy of Claire Ortiz)

While the novelty of Sid Booker’s was cool, next week, Claire and I will be returning to our normal formula and looking for a tasty sandwich at our local Red Lobster.

Sid Booker’s classic sausage, egg, and cheese on a poppy seed bagel. (courtesy of Claire Ortiz)

Local Restaurant To Close After Passing Health Inspection: La Salle Women’s Lacrosse Week In Review 4/4/23

Foolegian

Nicholas Signoretta, Editor

Crouching Tiger Golden Dragon. (Often confused with the popular 2000 martial arts movie)

What does this article have to do with La Salle, women, or lacrosse you may be asking? Nothing. But anyone who has read all of my articles will have noticed I only shoot a measly 50% from the field when it comes to actually summarizing what happened in the most recent week’s on field action, so I would say it is fairly in character of me to just throw the header of “Wolax Week In Review” on anything that I write. Now, on to my scheduled gag.

Local Olney eatery Crouching Tiger Golden Dragon was put to rest this past Saturday after they committed the egregious sin of passing their prior month’s health inspection. Golden Dragon, a Chinese restaurant that also sold cheesesteaks, pizza, empanadas, and artisan baked goods, was shocked to learn of their violation of passing their inspection. The owner, Paul, was upset to learn the infestation of rats and sewage that he had spent years facilitating in the restaurant’s basement was not enough to push regional health inspectors to fail the joint during their checkup. Loyal customers were also distraught upon hearing the news, stating, “You think you trust a place to provide you with dirt cheap food at 2AM, but no, now they can’t even cook my burger on an unclean griddle. The sanitation of my go-to spot has been above code for years, and I have been eating it this whole time none the wiser.”

What is to come next for Crouching Tiger Golden Dragon, Paul, or its loyal customers is anyone’s guess, but all we can hope for is that no other local eateries fall into the same trap as this beloved spot.

From The Collegian, this is Nicky Signoretta reporting.

How Far Would You Go To Commit To The Bit?

Foolegian

Emily Allgair, Editor

From wearing suits to “Minions: Rise of Gru” to putting on a bald cap at a Mr. Worldwide concert, people commit to the bit all the time. Usually for the memes, but how far is too far? How far would you personally go to commit to the bit? Where would you call it?

My roommates and I were comparing ugly-hot and hot-ugly celebs the other night (possibly a future article) and we were stuck on a specific scenario. If some celebrity who is arguably ugly-hot or ugly-ugly were to come up to you in a bar, how would you go about committing to the bit? Would you at all? This really got me thinking.

This past Saturday, did you commit to any bit? If so, how far did you go? Could you have seen yourself going further? What would have signaled you to call it? I’m sure some of us saw the Tik Tok of the mom who frosted bagels and tried to sell them off as donuts to her kids – boring. That’s barely a bit you can commit to.

As for continuing the essence of the weekend, please enjoy this edition of the Foollegian, especially considering that each writer and editor absolutely committed to their bits.

I genuinely am interested; if you are one who commits to the bit, please email me at allgaire1@lasalle.edu to tell me your committed bits.