Author: satirestaff

Our Phones are Listening

Satire

Claire Herquet, Editor

I am 100% sure that we all have heard the big technology conspiracy- our devices are the nosiest eavesdroppers. Picture this: your iPhone (because seriously, who has Androids anymore?), secretly dressed in a suit and detective hat, constantly tuned into your conversations. They are desperately trying to keep up with your latest gossip. “Did they say they want a new air fryer? Quick, find an ad for that!” 

Last week, I dreamt I owed $8 million to the taxman. Naturally, I freaked out and dialed 911. The police, however, had no time for my dilemma– they have a strict no-pranks policy. From there, I ended up going outside to play in the snow with my golden retriever (I don’t own a dog). When I tell you guys that I didn’t question it, I mean it, and all these events felt real. 

Since I was having this dream on a normal weekday with a class at 9 a.m., I woke up and decided to check my phone quickly before getting up and ready. You could imagine the fear I had when I opened TikTok and a video of a young woman who coincidentally also owed $8 million on her taxes showed up on my for you page within seconds of me opening the app. 

I was stunned. Several questions were racing through my mind. How is the dollar amount almost identical to what I saw in my dream? How did this video find its way into the algorithm for me to see it? Did my phone swap notes with the dream realm? How is this woman going to afford to pay $8 million?  

On my drive to campus that morning, I couldn’t help but think about the possibility of my phone magically listening in and spectating my dream. Picture this: your iPhone, tuning in to your brain activity at all hours of the night to line up the perfect content and ads for you the next day. It gathers information to figure out your wants and needs based on your dreams. Let’s say that you’re dreaming about a beach vacation in Hawaii. Once you wake up, Amazon will have all the highly rated sunscreen and the cutest outfits for you neatly lined up on your homepage, waiting for you to click “Add to cart.” It’s not snooping; it’s just your phone accurately and carefully matching you with things you might like, all inspired by your dreams.  

Especially with Elon Musk’s Neuralink developing, it’s like we’re living in a sci-fi movie where our brains are the protagonists. If this continues to happen, we may all become convinced that our phones (more like our sneaky dream sidekicks), might be getting ahead of Musk’s clever invention.  

Sleep well in the world of dreams and tech devices, everyone!

Trying to answer one of the universe’s most difficult questions

Satire

Andrew Noel, Staff

No, we will not be answering what happens after we die, nor will we be answering how the universe was created. In Philadelphia, there is a far more pressing question that affects the everyday lives of hundreds of thousands of people. Is the delicious breakfast meat called pork roll, or taylor ham?

The origins of this great debate begin in 1856 when New Jersey resident John Taylor invented a new breakfast meat and decided to call it “Taylor Ham.” However, he had to change the name to “pork roll” in 1906, after federal legislation stated that ham is a specific cut of pork, hence the name pork roll.[1] This 1906 chasm began the war that is still being fought almost 120 years later.

This great American debate began in New Jersey, the home state of John Taylor, and has spread across the eastern seaboard. Philadelphia is not immune to this great American divide, with its proximity to southern New Jersey leading to most Philadelphians referring to the delicious food as pork roll, while most in the northern part of both Pennsylvania and New Jersey refer to the food as Taylor Ham. It is unclear where this divide (of northerners calling it taylor ham and southerners calling it pork roll) came from, but nonetheless, this is the divide we have been left with.

If you are wondering at this point what John Taylor would have preferred, it is hard to say. This is because he is from the middle part of New Jersey (Trenton to be specific). No, I will not say he was from central Jersey, as that place does not exist, no matter what the governor says! (https://www.nj.gov/governor/news/news/562023/20230824a.shtml)

This debate affects La Salle University and its students everyday. The popular Pauline’s Deli sells what they call, “pork roll sandwhiches”. This is in addition to the Fresh Grocer by campus selling what they term as “pork roll.” It is clear that the business establishments around La Salle believe the proper term for this food is pork roll, but what do the students think?

To say there is a divide among the student body would be an understatement, with one student, who calls it pork roll, having not even heard of the term “Taylor Ham” in her life. One staff member became so passionate about the debate (they are on team pork roll), that they raised their voice, and got physically upset at the possibility of the food being called Taylor Ham. Both of these people are from prime pork roll territory (Philadelphia, and South Jersey, respectively 

Like everything surrounding this debate, there is an almost even split between La Salle students, with roughly a third (from South Jersey and southern PA) calling the delicacy pork roll, a third from North Jersey, and New York calling it Taylor Ham, and another third not caring either way.

This great American debate has sparked controversy for over 100 years, and it is showing no signs of slowing down. No matter what you call it, I think we can all agree that Taylor Ham/pork roll is a delicious food, and is a great way to start the day.

Lyle Crocodile Charged With Vehicular Manslaughter and DUI Charges, Could Face Up to 10 Years in the Slammer

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

Via: https://hero.fandom.com/wiki/Lyle_(Lyle,_Lyle,_Crocodile)

New York City, New York – Child star Lyle Crocodile was arrested early Saturday morning at approximately 3:45 A.M. in downtown New York. Blowing a .27 on the breathalyzer, Lyle was apprehended by officials after pancaking a Prius going 120 MPH through a 4-way intersection. We could not get a quote from Lyle himself, but we got to ask the police a few questions as they were handling the situation.

“It was a red light. He went 120 through a red light,” says Chief Officer Brian Smith. We see this often, child stars who go off the rails after their career does not pan out as they had expected. In an interview only a few weeks ago, Lyle told reporters “La La La La La…” It was extremely apparent he was on drugs during this, which we expect to be either ecstasy or crack cocaine. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Breaking: President Joe Biden was Not Sleeping; He was only Resting his Eyes

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

Via: https://freebeacon.com/biden-administration/ncaa-bracket-scandal/

Washington, D.C. – “Joe…JOE!!!” The screams from Jill Biden echoed throughout the halls of the White House. “His eyes were closed so I assumed he was sleeping. I needed to wake him up for his 1:30 meeting.” Jill admits that the job of President is taking a toll on Joe Biden, and he often needs to catch up on sleep. However, this could not be further from the truth. President Biden tells us, “C’mon man, I was just resting my eyes for like 5 minutes. Jill never gets off my back.” Joe was not sleeping. In fact, he was never sleeping at all. 

“I’m actually working on changing my nickname,” President Biden informs. “I have a trademark pending for Sloppy Joe. Those things are pretty good, I’ll tell ya. If I could make my nickname Chocolate Chocolate Chip Joe I would. But, that doesn’t roll off the tongue enough…” Our reporters continuously said “Yeah” and smiled at everything the president told us until President Biden picked up on the fact we did not care anymore. “Anyways…” The interview was over, thankfully. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Bizarro World: Anthony Pantalone Edition

Foolegian

Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

via Ethan McGlone

This article is dedicated to Tony Shirtalone, the highly touted music critic at the ever prestigious La Salle University. Writer for the award-winning La Salle Collegian, Mr. Shirts reviews his favorite genre of music weekly: opera. When I sat down to talk with the legend, he kept a humbleness amongst himself that was commendable. “Ahhhhh, forgettaboutit.” Tony Shirtalone was born in South Orange, NJ with a masters degree in business. The doctors have never seen a baby as prestigious as young Mr. Shirts. Stay classy Shirtalone. Stay classy.

Jim Kenney Passes New Infrastructure Bill to Add More Potholes to City Streets

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff Writer

via Wikipedia, via Philadelphia City Hall 2019

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney passed a massive $200 infrastructure bill to help better the city, including the implementation of more potholes for city streets, more specifically major roads that get driven on daily. The plan seeks to lessen the unemployment rate of the city by hiring homeless individuals to smash streets with sledgehammers, leaving devastating, tire-destroying potholes. They will be paid in drinkable tap water, a very new luxury in Philadelphia. However, this bill does not come without its fair share of criticisms from the Anti-Kenney crew.

Critics have been extremely vocal in the past week, with complaints ranging from “What the hell is this?” to “I just want clean water man.” Kenney has responded, however. He claims that the cars that drive the city streets have gotten “a false sense of security” over the past few months. He hopes this bill can give Philadelphia cars “some more character”. Kenney said he decided which streets to destroy by throwing darts at a city map and sending the sledgehammers to the spots pierced from his darts. God has laid its destructive hand on his people; seek shelter. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Former Athletic Director at Really Prestigious School to Step Down After Foot Related Rumors

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

College, USA – Drama has struck the world of academia as rumors have arisen that the former athletic director at a really prestigious school has a secret that he has been keeping from the world. Ryan Patrice, former AD at a college, refused to comment on this, while also urging us not to take any pho-toes. Thankfully, we could sit down with someone close to him to get more information on the possible reason for his departure. “It’s a shame Mr. Patrice is stepping away from the school. He was a very determined man. When he had a good idea, he would dig his feet and not give up until he finished,” an anonymous teacher told our correspondents. When we asked about his possible foot fetish, the teacher stated abruptly, “Let’s just say I never wore flip flops around the guy.”

For the time being, the extremely prestigious school’s athletics will be run by interim Kathy Newman. “I’m very new to this, so I’ll only be dipping my toes in the water. I’ll feel the temperature and see if I can help in any way.” The first change Mrs. Newman will enact is giving the Track and Field team spikes to wear for their meets. “I do not really understand why our team was forced to run at meets barefoot, but that is a thing of the past.” We are told that Ryan Patrice is planning on surveying colleges in the Florida area for his next job. We suspect this is because the warm weather will lead to more bare dogs being out in the open around campus. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Mystery Man was the Life of the Party This Past Weekend

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

(via Ethan McGlone)

La Salle University – Wow! If you guys were sleeping under a rock all weekend then you probably have not heard of Dan Frunphy. This newcomer struck onto the scene this past weekend, and he did not look back. From dancing to Rihanna all the way to flirting with basketball superstar Khalil Brantley (and his NFT), Dan stole the hearts of everyone in attendance at the Alpha Sugma Kappa party. A man of culture, Dan even respectfully paid his $5 at the door without starting a fight. The men’s soccer team was not impressed. 

We sat down with the president of Alpha Sugma Kappa to discuss the rise of this young phenom. “The dude is like 70. I don’t know how the hell he got into the party,” Chad Chaddington begrudgingly stated. Seventy years old or not, no one at the party could tell that Dan’s hips were replacements. Needless to say, his hips told the truth all night long. Sources tell us that Dan ended up puking in the bathroom at the end of the night, but this seems like a slanderous comment from a jealous party. From The Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Holy Cow: Cow to Become Pastorized Over the Weekend

Satire

Ethan McGlone, Staff

via www.reddit.com, r/BossFight

Boise, Idaho – Big news is currently striking the cow world as Idaho native Beef Wellington is getting pastorized over the weekend. Mr. Wellington has been a lifelong Catholic and just recently finished his education at the Boise State Monastery. After this weekend, his milk will be pure, and his prayers will be even purer. We spoke to individuals close to the situation to gather intel on the magnitude of this accomplishment for the young cow.

“Mooooooo,” exclaimed his mother, Mrs. Beef Wellington. His father, however, is less of a fan of the religious life for his son. “Mooooo,” his father, Mr. Beef Wellington, muttered as we asked him about this career choice for his son. Keep in mind, this is the first stage of the young cow’s journey in the priesthood. If he wants to pursue further goals and become a cardinal, or even the pope, he must first get Ultra-Pastorized. Father Beef Wellington’s first vigil is planned for 3 weeks from now as he becomes acquainted with his new profession. Wish him luck as he begins his journey in the priesthood. From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

White Pieces Refuse to Protect King after Racist Tweets from His Past Resurface

Satire

By: Ethan McGlone

via Ethan McGlone

No one can truly know the type of person someone is behind the scenes. We all put on masks, some greater than others, and the White King is no exception to this. Earlier this week, tragic news struck the chess world. The White Rook spoke with our correspondents. “We all spent our entire lives defending this guy and for what? He’s a racist jerk.” Tweets resurfaced from the White King’s childhood where he berated the Black Dark-Squared Bishop in racist tirades throughout multiple tweets. We could not get into contact with the White Queen surrounding this issue.

Some examples of these disgraceful tweets are as follows:

“No game of chess is fair. The Dark Squared Black Bishop literally can jump 2 spaces higher than my white bishops.”

“Everybody cries when the Dark Squared Black Bishop gets captured, but where’s this outcry for the countless number of white pieces that are captured.”

“White Piece Lives Matter”

We did receive an email, however, from the victim of the 25 tweets dating back to 2012. “Fork him.” Needless to say, the Black Dark-Squared Bishop is not a fan of the White King. The scariest part of this whole story for the White Pawns is that anybody could be secretly carrying these thoughts inside. “There was no way of us even knowing he felt this way about the black pieces. Sure, he had a confederate flag in his house, a Blue Lives Matter bumper sticker, a Steven Crowder mug, and a Let’s Go Brandon shirt collection (7 in total), but how could we have known he was racist. It’s impossible to truly know.” From the Collegian newspaper, this is Ethan McGlone reporting.

Join the new Chess Club at LaSalle! Email me at mcglonee1@lasalle.edu for more information.