A deep dive into the “Drivers License” Drama. (because I have nothing better to do)

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

Left Carpenter, Center Rodrigo, Right Bassett

If you have been living under a rock since the new year, you might’ve missed Olivia Rodrigo’s release of her song “Driver’s License” on Jan. 8, 2021. Since its release date, the song has been at the top of every chart, streaming service and on everyone’s playlists. The critically acclaimed song is supposedly about Rodrigo’s relationship with Joshua Bassett, her “High School Musical the Musical the Series” co-star. The pair reportedly dated/had a fling for a bit in late 2019 to early/mid 2020, Bassett reportedly teaching Rodrigo to drive in an In-N-Out parking lot. (This is where my lack of social life, scary deep dive into this drama starts so get ready for it.) Now, Bassett has been reportedly dating fellow Disney actor Sabrina Carpenter and they were first spotted during July 2020. In relation to their first spotting, Rodrigo posted a sad song she had written on Instagram on July 11, 2020 around the same time the other two were spotted. Jump forward to July 14 where Rodrigo posted on her Instagram that she had gotten her drivers license and captioned it, “happy girl in the dmv parking lot because I (finally) got my drivers license!!!!! also @gracieabrams ep. came out today so now I can drive around the suburbs alone and cry to I miss you I’m sorry like a true American!!!!!” SHE GOT HER DRIVERS LICENSE AND IS PLANNING ON DRIVING AROUND LISTENING TO SAD MUSIC, foreshadowing. Jump forward to July 30 when Rodrigo posted her first draft or whatever you call it of her future hit, little did she know what type of drama she was going to cause for herself. From here on not much happened so here’s a quick rundown: Rodrigo posted a pic of herself and Iris Apatow on Aug. 16 wearing dump him shirts, Bassett and Carpenter were spotted getting lunch and hanging out, then the two dressed up as Sharkboy and Lavagirl for Halloween 2020 and Rodrigo had a pretty chill time perfecting her song.

Before Jan. 8, 2021, there wasn’t much talk of the trio to the general public since they are all upper c or lower b level celebrities. After American democracy went to shit with the Capitol riots on Jan. 6, 2021, Rodrigo released the chart topper “Driver License” on Jan. 8 and caused social media and every and anyone who heard the single to combust. Quickly, everyone wanted to know who the song was about, maybe Rodrigo’s ex Ethan Wacker? No, Wacker shot down those rumors with a comment on a TikTok saying that he treated her right, SO fans pointed the finger at Bassett. Basically everything mentioned prior was unraveled a day after the song was released and people began to choose sides. Many were on Rodrigo’s side, some were on Josh’s side and most people said “that blonde girl,” Carpenter, was not to blame because Bassett did the heart breaking. A week later on Jan. 14, Bassett released his own song “Lie Lie Lie” and said the song is about a prior relationship from years ago, whatever that means. No one really cared about his song and people were still riding the “Drivers License” train. THEN a week after that on Jan. 22, Carpenter released her own song “Skin” and lemme tell you, WACK. Throughout Rodrigo’s single, she focuses on how heartbroken she is and only mentions another girl during the first verse of the song, “And you’re probably with that blonde girl who always made me doubt she’s so much older than me she’s everything I’m insecure about” By no means insulting or pointing the finger just the classic “girl you told me not to worry about” trope. Within Carpenter’s song, she basically says “Hey. This is my dude, you can be sad all you want, but he’s mine and fuck you for writing a song about him and trying to get under my skin.” Very much an aggressive attack on Rodrigo’s song where she legit calls Carpenter pretty, blonde and older than her. Should people have attacked Carpenter over Rodrigo’s song? No, but just because she could doesn’t mean Carpenter should have made a diss track about Rodrigo.

In my opinion, Rodrigo wrote a Taylor Swift tier song, Swift even agrees with that because she reposted “Drivers License ” on her Instagram story. Carpenter and Bassett can release all the songs they want and be petty, but never reach the T-Swift status of Rodrigo. This drama has been great for those of us with no life and need a distraction from all the death, COVID-19 and impeachment drama going on, but these are just teenagers. They’re heartbroken and sad or annoyed and angry, releasing music and making their private life public, but they’re allowed to not give the details. So just remember that we can get wrapped up in this drama, but it’s not our lives and we don’t know so don’t publicly say anything on social media that you wouldn’t say to their face. Listen to “Drivers License” by Olivia Rodrigo for some Taylor Swift break up vibes, if you haven’t already driven around crying to it on repeat.

Does everyone know their family members’ footsteps?

Satire

Claire Kunizer, Editor

So when you live with people, especially when you live with people and can’t leave your house and only see those people, you learn things. Weird things at that, but they also can be very helpful like who likes what, who doesn’t like what, what pisses each other off, etc. Now, I’ve known all of these things about my siblings, but I have perfected a certain skill that comes with living with people. I know the sound of each of my family members footsteps and so does my younger sister. Each of our brothers walks a certain way down the stairs, in the hall, a floor above, you name it we can probably tell you who’s walking where. I just want to know if anyone else has this skill, so shoot me an email at kunzierc1@lasalle.edu. That’ll be my socialization with people outside of my bubble for the week.

Valentine’s Day is probably the worst holiday.

Satire

Claire Kunizer, Editor

Chocolate, flowers and gross couples showing ten times the PDA they normally do. Sounds a lot like Valentines day, the holiday where some couples show just how single everyone else is. While the sales and deals as well as the massive Feb.15 chocolate sale at grocery stores are definitely perks, we as a society should look at this holiday for what it truly is: stupid. First off, it’s just a ploy to make rich people richer and single people feel worse about themselves. The pressure to buy your significant others at least flowers and or chocolate is so immense that it’s worth all the jacked up prices. All the single people have no one to buy them expensive chocolate, so they make their friends do a galentine’s day party or present swap and spend money on one another. Second, couples get extra gross and obnoxious about the fact that they’re a couple and its Valentine’s Day. Nasty. Normal couples just get their partner a present, maybe do a nice dinner and keep it low key, but there are those couples, you know the ones, that ruin it for everyone. They post everything they do on social media to prove that they aren’t alone for this stupid holiday AND that their relationship is the best. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU KISS IN A BOOMERANG ON YOUR INSTA STORY IN FRONT OF A SHIT TON OF CANDLES. That’s a fire hazard. Basically, a holiday where a naked, fat baby flies around and shoots people with arrows making them fall madly in love. BULL SHIT. Anyway, I’m free Feb. 14 if anyone else is free on Feb. 14 and wants to do anything on Feb. 14.

Why do people expose themselves on Snapchat?

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

February 3, 2021

We are in a global pandemic in an individualistic leaning country, shoutout COM 220, which means people are still doing what they want and preventing us from getting out of the pandemic. To break it down for you, people don’t like being told what to do in America, so people aren’t wearing masks or social distancing and only staying within their bubble. What I can’t wrap my head around are the people that publicly share about their lack of caring for others by posting on Snapchat and Instagram basically saying “F**k you” to everyone else doing what everyone needs to do in order for things to get back to pre pandemic life. It’s one thing to just do it and have no one know, but posting a five minute long video of you in a frat basement with a shit ton of other people not wearing masks or socially distancing is one way to live life. Yeah so if anyone who’s doing that wants to let me know why they can email me and we can discuss how you’re an asshole or you can take me indirectly calling you an asshole in this article to heart and stop. Don’t just stop the posting, but stop just caring about only yourself and wear a mask and stop partying oh and realize that every person that sees what you post is trying really hard not to slide up and verbally assault you because of how stupid and selfish you are. Yeah so, call your mom and let them know that I either called you an asshole indirectly or slide up on someone who posts about not being COVID safe on social media and send them this article.

Fun things to do in the snow.

Satire

Claire Kunzier, Editor

February 3, 2021

Everyone loves a good snowstorm, as seen by the one Philadelphia and the rest of the northeast got this past Sunday to Tuesday. The wintery mix of cold air and frozen water particles means that no one wants to drive to work or school so you automatically get a snow day! Here are somethings you can do in the snow:

1. NOTHING.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Claire. Why do nothing when you can play in the snow, go sledding, skiing/snowboarding etc?” Let me tell you, none of those activities will bring you as much joy as taking a hot shower, putting on the warmest thing you own, eating warm food and wrapping yourself up in every blanket you own just to lay on the couch or in bed and watch random shit on TV for hours. There’s no way for you to get cold and or wet, you have yourself and whoever you live with, humans or animals, to keep you company, and most importantly there’s no expectation. Also, once you’re suited up in snow gear, you’re subjected to hours of an activity, when you do nothing you can do anything. It’s all up to you to do homework, read, eat, go outside or whatever you want or don’t want to do. I’m not saying you can’t go outside and play in the snow, I’m just saying think logically, you’re gonna get really hot and sweat and then when you stop you get really cold and wet because it’s cold and wet outside and even if you have a snow suit on, shits still gonna suck when you have shelp yourself and your stuff back to wherever you came from. So get ahead of the game and do nothing like us smart people a.k.a me.

“Bridgerton,” a tasteful way to watch porn with your mom. (Spoiler Alert)

Satire

January 27, 2021

Claire Kunzier, Editor

The new Netflix series “Bridgerton,” based off of Julia Quinn’s book series, has topped the streaming charts during the month of January. The first season follows lead character Daphne Bridgerton and her journey to find a husband during her first London season, which basically is when all the rich people move back to London, party and try to get hitched. The series also follows Daphne’s seven siblings’ stories, the Duke of Hastings, her love interest, other rich families such as the Fetherikngtons and, arguably, most importantly Lady Whisldown the gossip magazine terrorizing the rich families of London. Lady Whisldown exposes many people and generally stirs the pot, making this show seem like a “Gossip Girl” period piece. But, while “Bridgerton” is a period piece, this is no bland Jane Austin book; in true Netflix style, shit’s raunchy and racy. Now, because this is a period piece and normally, as I just spoke about, watchers expecting a nice show to watch with their mom were met with a bear within the first 15 minutes of the first episode. As the show progresses watchers see sex in a bed, on the steps, in the woods, in the library with instrumental Taylor Swift playing in the background, you name it, these characters have probably done it. As someone who watched this with their mom, younger sister and older brother, we skipped through all 18 sexy scenes. This didn’t prevent the awkward conversation my mother decided to have with my 18-year-old sister and my 20-year-old self about protection — a conversation that was sparked by the Duke of Hastings using the “pull out” method to prevent Daphne from becoming pregnant. Watch the series if you want more context cause I’m not giving a play-by-play of the plot. My sister and I have both gone through sex ed in High school; my mom very much late to this conversation and was informed quickly by the two of us. Moral of the story, skip through the sexy scenes if you’re watching it with anyone that will make you uncomfy a.k.a your mom, or you know, just watch it alone. Besides that, I highly suggest watching it for the beauty of the sets, costumes and overall aesthetic along with the great storylines. Ask your mom if she wants to watch it with you and maybe just surprise her with all the sex.

I can’t stop making playlists.

Satire

January 27, 2021

Claire Kunzier, Editor

Due to the pandemic, I am not allowed to do anything, my social life is dead, the only people I see are my family members and I have very little hobbies so I don’t do anything. Don’t get me wrong, we’re in a pandemic, millions of people around the world have died and there is a new strain of COVID-19, I don’t want a social life. What I want is for people to be like me and have no social life and be safe, but there’s only so much that can be done about that. As I remain in my home doing nothing, the one hobby I do, quite a lot, is making playlists about anything and everything. Most people started working out, cooking and creating art and I just didn’t want to do that. No, I wanted to spend hours listening to various artists, albums and styles of music to create various playlists in order to occupy my time and I WANT TO DO IT. All I want is to plug in and find the perfect song that fits for the Hogwarts houses, which I did for all four houses. My friends have been my biggest supporters of this because every couple of weeks they get a new playlist of 100-300 songs that fit a certain vibe. Moral of the story is, do what you like to do even if it’s random and weird, respect the fact that we as a country are in a global pandemic and don’t just do whatever you want especially without a mask. (follow my Spotify @ckunzier)