Crime log — March 24 – April 1 | Foolegian

Foolegian, Satire

Saturday, March 26
09:30 pm —

PPD arrest 12 Christian Brothers in relation to an underground fight club being hosted out of Anselm Hall. One brother fled the scene and has not yet been found.

Sunday, March 27
08:00 am —

Local man arrested and charged with two counts of cycling outside of the bike lane on Belfield Ave.

Monday, March 28
11:00 am —

Absolutely shredded La Salle student arrested after setting off the Lunk Alarm at the IBC Fitness Center

Tuesday, March 29
01:00 am —

A case report was filed for an armed robbery off campus. A 6’6” 200 lb. La Salle basketball player had their wallet and smartphone stolen by a pair of tweens who’s older brothers go to Central High School. PPD reports the children did not have a gun, but a reflective Hot Pocket wrapper.

Tuesday, March 29
09:69 pm —

A La Salle student is accused of doing your mom.

Thursday, March 31
09:43 pm —

A case report was filed for disorderly conduct outside of the Wister Court Apartments. A middle aged man was reportedly throwing his own feces at the walls of the building screaming to be let in. (Oh wait, this one actually happened.)

Wednesday, March 30
05:00 pm —

A case report was filed for aggravated assault at a gender reveal party in the Peale House.

Wednesday, April 20
04:20 pm —

A case report was filed for two students in possession of marijuana in the St. Katherine’s dormitory. Report says they were escorted out by a member of Public Safety.

Wednesday, April 20
04:21 pm —

A case report was filed in relation to a member of La Salle Public Safety partaking in the smoking of marijuana outside of St. Katherine’s dormitory while escorting two students to the Public Safety Office. 

Wednesday, April 20
04:22 pm —

Real member of La Salle Public Safety apprehends the two students as well as the other officer, who was in fact a Public Safety impersonator. Shortly after all four individuals were arrested by PPD for the use of marijuana.

Friday, April 1
09:00 am — 

Reader of this crime log reportedly arrested by PPD for the use of common sense and over-analysis to realize this crime log is not real.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s