YoungBoy Never Broke Again, Staff

“Hey girl!”

It’s the Instagram DM everybody dreads. “You’ve clearly got a LOT going on, LOVE your posts by the way… but I sense something special about you so I wanted to reach out.” You can probably guess where this is going next.

“Have you ever heard of La Salle University? It’s the cutest little school in Philly ranked #1 for earnings on its MBA program! My name is McKayleighanne and the reason I’m reaching out is because I’m looking for people to join our team where you can earn above and beyond what you’re currently making. I’d love to connect with you on a business level, is this an opportunity you’d be interested in?”

Um, what? I’m a little unclear on the “opportunity” here, but hey, she said it’s the “cutest little school,” that sounds nice… I’ll bite. I shoot back a message:

“Can I get a little more information?”

That was the single worst mistake of my life. McKayleighanne was the fisherman and I was a fifty-pound bass in open water, begging to be reeled in. And, I’m ashamed to admit, she got me, hook, line and sinker, with this message: “Here’s what we do. We recruit stellar girlies like you to join our team and spread the message about La Salle. By joining our team of girl bosses, you will have access to marketing materials that will help you recruit other dreamers and believers. Together, we comprise La Salle University and with your help, we can continue making more money than you can even dream of!”

In my defense, I wanted to make money. I admit, the details of her goal and execution strategy here were a bit unclear, but I felt as though I’d be joining a welcoming community. Little did I know, she wanted to make money off of me.

It wasn’t until I was already four years into the business that I figured that out. Four years of grinding and toiling away with this community of girl bosses, recruiting every poor sucker who fell victim to our trap. Ultimately, the scheme worked like this: first, reach out like McKayleighanne did to me. Second, get the potential recruit to invest a small sum of $1. Third, promise that they’ll get a return on their investment the more people they recruit. Fourth, ask them for another investment a month later, this time at a rate twice the initial investment. And then the next month. And then the next. And then the next.

Before you know it, you’re four years and $281 quadrillion in the hole. Granted, I made back about 10 percent of that by recruiting other girlies. But still, it took me quite some time to realize that this was an extremely effective method of fundraising for La Salle — and an awful investment on my part. I have to give them credit where credit is due; they really cornered the market on vulnerable wannabe girl bosses like me.

As for what they’re doing with all that money, I’m out of the business so I’m not too sure. I did hear rumors that La Salle just got a $1 billion grant and they’re finally using some of that money on their School of Arts & Sciences, but who knows… it is a business at the end of the day, so perhaps Founders’ will get ten more basketball nets because that would be really wise. With all that being said, what I do know is that they really got me. On the bright side, at least they have a lot of funds! And that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

I am in crippling debt, though. So it goes.