David O’Brien, Editor

Header Image: The Cheap Place

For the first time since the peak of the Obama Administration, the American presidential approval rating is above 67 (that would be a D+). The people of the U.S. are happy not only with their president but also their Congress and judicial branch. All three branches of government are being run properly and the majority of people outside of moderates are happy with the way things are going. There is no internal strife within the United States and above all, Americans are united in their efforts to build a better country along with a better world. The government is doing great. The government is guiding us to a better future. The government is efficient.

Americans are totally fine with gas prices being above four dollars as long as they help us in our battle for global hegemony. Americans are totally fine with the U.S.’s response to the Ukraine crisis. Americans have all collectively agreed to only trying to stop war crimes and global crises as long as they are being caused by nations we are not allied with. As the United States continues to combat climate change, the new policies are WAY better for the environment. Lithium batteries are not manufactured in a method that is equally destructive towards the ozone layer as well as towards the ecology of the region they are mined in.

The majority of Americans have acknowledged the fact they live in a society dominated by technocrats, financial interests and the almighty dollar, and as the days go by it becomes more obvious that the U.S. will not simply try to appease the general populace through constantly manufacturing crises to distract us but actually try and build a better government and country so the youth of today and tomorrow will have a future that is not dominated by social, political and economic instability.

The U.S.’s taxpayers are making a worthwhile contribution towards a better society. Each new political debate aired in the news demonstrates that the average politician, media outlet and citizen is focusing on what is really important. Each and every person should be happy with the principles and actions of the U.S. government and its policies. The military, court system, NSA, CIA, FBI and other agencies are regulated properly and the average citizen has the ability to be involved with the important mechanisms of the American government. Change is clearly possible. The system clearly cares about each and every person in it. The government is efficient and utilizes the money coming out of your wallet in a positive manner. Each and every person should be overjoyed with the policies of the United States and the U.S.’s attempts to institute these policies to help improve society. Why bother with federal voting reform bills when the federal government votes on all major policy decisions behind closed doors?! The government is efficient.

Above all, the youth of today are happy with their ability to be involved in government and help provide new insights to building back a better country. Sure, the average age of Congress is 57 and the average age of the Senate is 62. Sure, the president is 79 years old (three years younger than the average nursing home resident) and the opponent to the president being 75 years old. But hey, the youth of today are completely fine with living in a gerontocracy where the people who have put no effort in maintaining the economic conditions they grew up in for their children and their grandchildren are in charge.

David O’Brien, Editor

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Since I have stopped taking my medication (Nyquil), I have realized that there are people in my walls. Every day, from when I wake up and when I go to bed, people continually mess with me. I know everyone I have ever met has been paid off in a “Truman show”-esque kind of situation. Everyone I confide in about these problems says that all of this is “in my head” and that I should “get help” but I know that is nothing but a bunch of malarkey. I am so sick of being gaslit by both my visible and invisible friends. The doctors have been constantly trying to make me take pills that will block my clairvoyant visions, but I know it’s all just a plot by the banks and the CIA to stop me from finding the truth. I have been unjustly harassed since the day I was born and I just want to be left alone and allowed to worship the almighty Lord in peace.

I continue to be unjustly harassed by the wall people. I wake up every morning to them singing “Say So” by Doja Cat. Each time I sit down for a meal, someone runs up to my food, throws up invisible vomit onto my food, then runs aways. I have tried to catch them on film but they run too fast for my camera to track and I am starting to believe this individual(s) is also invisible. My state-mandated doctor said the man is not real, however, I know that he is merely perpetuating the government’s lies with each “therapy” session I am forced to attend. I even put up really expensive cameras to catch him. Luckily, I have devised a solution where I drink twelve raw eggs blended together with unpasteurized milk and a can of sardines along with a multivitamin each day. This way, the wall people will not be able to throw up in my beverage due to the fact the scent is beyond unbearable for the average person. Luckily for me, it still somehow tastes better than B&G! Each time I lay down for bed, they begin singing “Island in the Sun” by Weezer to keep me wide awake. I have not been getting good sleep and it is all their fault. When I do sleep, I have nightmares surrounding the wall-people finally succeeding in their plot to put me in an asylum where the government has full oversight over my condition and finally taking over my house. I cannot, I will not, allow them to win. They can keep trying all they want, but they will not defeat me. I will cement myself into the walls even if that’s what it takes.

I have quit my job as a professor at La Salle University to dedicate my time to something far more important — staring at my walls and cameras for hours in hopes of finally being able to stop them. Shockingly, the students I used to teach and even the faculty members I used to work with have agreed that this was a more valuable way to spend my time rather than spending another minute in Holroyd hall.

If anyone has any information on the people in my walls and/or how to stop them, please reach out. I have renovated my house four times in an attempt to find their hideout. Please contact me at 1-800-273-8255 or your mother’s bedroom with any further information on how to stop the people in my walls from harassing me any further.