I will be the first to admit I spend too much time on the internet. Therefore, I have given myself the authority to tell you, our faithful readers, what is cheugy. Considering our demographic is parents and grandparents (no offense), I will give you a quick background on the term. Urban dictionary defines it as “The opposite of trendy. Stylish in middle school and high school but no longer in style. Used when someone still follows these out of date trends. This may include but not be limited to fashion, habits on social media, usage of slang, etc.” And look, I am certainly not the supreme opinion of what’s in, but I would like to think I keep up with what’s hot without being too trendy. So I give you the running list of what is cheugy in my notes app, (sorry if any of these apply to you). 

1. Reposting sports scores to your instagram story 
2. Checked bags at the airport
3. All black sneakers
4. Victoria’s secret PINK 
5. Highlights that are literally white
6. Animal tattoos 
7. Greek Life
8. Crocs and those stupid yeezy rubber sandals (corrected to all rubber shoes) 
9. Flats
10. Jeans with rips all the way up the legs
11. Dating a twin 
12. Male musical artists 
13. Talking about AP classes when you’re an adult
14. @chng on instagram
15. Shaming people for getting drunk
16. Being afraid to talk about poop
17. March Madness brackets
18. Snapchatting people you don’t know 
19. Pants that are too long and they go into your shoes
20. Being gluten free if you don’t have an allergy 
21. Dove men’s 3 in 1
22. Kissing people you don’t actually like in any regard
23. The facial hair a guy tries to grow when he first goes to college 
24. The athlete jackets with a nice outfit 
25. Vaping 

And the thing about cheug for me, is that if you do any of these things in an authentic way, meaning you just really love Victoria’s secret PINK for what it is, you’re fine. According to the New York Times, “cheugy can be used, broadly, to describe someone who is out of date or trying too hard.” But, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, if you’re reposting @chnge cause everyone else is, you’ve got cheugy fever and the only cure is getting actual interests and hobbies outside of whatever was in 6 months ago. Stop following trends that are going to be out in 5 seconds and be authentic. 

The sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer seems like the perfect time to reflect on how much shit we all have. In the age of Amazon and what a radicalized college student would call “late stage capitalism” we all have quite a bit of clutter. This clutter might be an empty bottle of liquor turned into a vase, a sweatshirt from that guy who treated you terribly, or a dusty photo of a friend from high school you haven’t called in months. Whatever your clutter is, spring cleaning is a perfect time to get rid of it.

While some opt to Marie Kondo-ing their lives, I have an even better, more effective tip for you when spring cleaning: just get robbed! You may be saying, I don’t want to get robbed. Well guess what? You might just get robbed anyways, so why waste time decluttering when you can just get robbed instead? According to Neighborhood Scout, “with a crime rate of 35 per one thousand residents, Philadelphia has one of the highest crime rates in America compared to all communities of all sizes – from the smallest towns to the very largest cities. One’s chance of becoming a victim of either violent or property crime here is one in 29.” 

You may be asking how can I guarantee that I will be the lucky victim of a robbery? Here at the Collegian we recommend the citizen app which allows users to Citizen receive instant notifications and live broadcasts of reported crimes and incidents near you. So, next time you see a notification about a carjacking .3 miles away or an armed robbery at game stop (again) you can just head over to the scene of the crime and invite the robber into your home! No need for restorative justice or social security nets that can prevent widespread petty crimes, just leave your door unlocked and maybe a little note that says “I saw you on Citizen, take what you want :)” and you’ll never have to spring clean again.