The sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer seems like the perfect time to reflect on how much shit we all have. In the age of Amazon and what a radicalized college student would call “late stage capitalism” we all have quite a bit of clutter. This clutter might be an empty bottle of liquor turned into a vase, a sweatshirt from that guy who treated you terribly, or a dusty photo of a friend from high school you haven’t called in months. Whatever your clutter is, spring cleaning is a perfect time to get rid of it.
While some opt to Marie Kondo-ing their lives, I have an even better, more effective tip for you when spring cleaning: just get robbed! You may be saying, I don’t want to get robbed. Well guess what? You might just get robbed anyways, so why waste time decluttering when you can just get robbed instead? According to Neighborhood Scout, “with a crime rate of 35 per one thousand residents, Philadelphia has one of the highest crime rates in America compared to all communities of all sizes – from the smallest towns to the very largest cities. One’s chance of becoming a victim of either violent or property crime here is one in 29.”
You may be asking how can I guarantee that I will be the lucky victim of a robbery? Here at the Collegian we recommend the citizen app which allows users to Citizen receive instant notifications and live broadcasts of reported crimes and incidents near you. So, next time you see a notification about a carjacking .3 miles away or an armed robbery at game stop (again) you can just head over to the scene of the crime and invite the robber into your home! No need for restorative justice or social security nets that can prevent widespread petty crimes, just leave your door unlocked and maybe a little note that says “I saw you on Citizen, take what you want :)” and you’ll never have to spring clean again.