Enrique Carrasco, Editor

A little over a year ago, I wrote my world-famous expose, “Why I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE David O’Brien.” This article perfectly depicted everything wrong with David O’Brien and my sincere feelings toward that 5’8” man. David was quick to respond with his own expose, quickly shutting down any ambition and opportunity to destroy him. 

Now, the worst possible case scenario has occurred: David has been named the Editor-in-Chief of The Collegian. Simply writing this article puts me and my life at risk, but I do not care. I must do this for the people of South East Indianapolis. 

David O’Brien does not have a mattress topper on his bed. What kind of man, NAY, animal, sleeps on the La Salle-provided beds without a topper??? How can you hurt a man who constantly lives in pain like this? This makes David an animal, unpredictabler, and maybe, unstoppable. I overheard David say, “I might just start sleeping on my floor again.” What kind of person says that?!?!?!?!? 

Look at this image one of my now-deceased writers was able to capture of David shortly before going missing for months before being found dead (I blame David and his thought Police). Why is David posing next to a voodoo-looking Doll? Why does he look so happy? Why is it in black and white??? I am afraid I have no answer to this, but I do fear David has been behind every major global conflict since the dawn of man. 

We must not let David accumulate too much power. We must come together as a community, as a country, to put an end to David’s tyrannical reign. It might be too late for me, I do not know what David will do once he sees this article, but I must prepare for the worst-case scenario. If this is the last article I ever post, I hope you all remember me as I lived: Extremely handsome and cooler than Dave.