Claire Kunzier, Editor

It’s friggin cold and it wasn’t cold last week. With temperatures last week reaching 50 degrees fahrenheit and this week not only dropping to the single digits, but then jumping back up to 60 degrees, I have come to a scientific conclusion: Earth is not in fact warming to life-threatening temperatures, but actually throwing a fit because humans suck. You heard it first, the human race is causing the planet, our planet, Earth to throw a b***hfit and mess with the temperature mid-February to spite us. The study by someone from some Ivy League in some obscure part of the country says so and you should believe me because I said it in a newspaper. The temperature-tantrums caused by our s**t-head actions, mostly you single use water bottle people and not large corporations who create large amounts of waste and toxins for the Earth. No, definitely you non-recycling bastards, just buy a reusable water bottle. Oh, and it’s not the single-use plastic that every company uses to package food products, either, just the water bottles. In fact, just our generation is to blame, but only the regular people who are just trying to buy products within our price range. No, it’s not older generations’ faults, even though they were pretty f*** up on alcohol and drugs or the large companies that mass-produce plastic, waste and toxins. So, yeah, own up to being the reason why the Earth is throwing temperature-tantrums.