Sean Musial, Managing Editor
They’re here. Around the corner. Up every tree. Those furry, nut-loving fiends have infiltrated every nook of La Salle’s campus. Of course, I’m referring to the squirrels.
Talk to anyone on campus, and they have a story about a squirrel interaction. Sure, cats are running about too. A squirrel, on the other hand, seems to have two goals in mind: annoyance and inconvenience. A quick jump scare as they dart by you walking down the sidewalk or driving down the road. You’ll even get that bizarre look they sometimes give when they freeze up in front of you, staring as if they’re the ones afraid or just staring into our souls. Just straight up creepy.
What do we do? How can we help each other with this drastic pandemic affecting our lives?
We could avoid them. Run like hell if one decides to attack. But, remember – they’re everywhere. Not all of us can run from Sciuridae – the scientific name for a squirrel family – if they all decided to gang up on the student body over the course of the upcoming weeks. That most likely will never happen, but that possibility is still on the table with the sheer scale of these things.
I have a proposition: we figure out a way to migrate them to certain areas of Philly away from La Salle’s campus. There are plenty of parks and trails in our town that they could inhabit that would make them less of a bother to us and arguably more free. We don’t want to piss off the squirrels though, as we may lose that fight. The Coast Guard could get involved if a nut-loving revolution were to take place at the college we call a home-away-from-home. No one wants that. Especially if we just want to help them.
What’s the next plan of action? Get a bunch of school buses, or probably only one, that can transport them to Pennypack Park or Wissahickon Valley Park? Nah, that sounds a bit stupid. Could we get helicopters and transport them out safely? Nope, that might be worse.
The Animal Control Service could get involved and bring these furry troublemakers to their new homes without harming them? Bingo! That seems like the best option without getting attacked by a squirrel or stopped by an officer who’s wondering what on God’s green Earth we’re doing over at 20th and Olney.
Once relocated, they could come back and enact revenge. This could end up similar to a Planet of the Apes situation where they then become the inferior race. We still need them off our turf at the end of the day. Dealing with them day in and day out isn’t cutting it anymore. Maybe the world domination of squirrels is a risk they are willing to take. They could like their new homes, hopefully.
As a fellow student, for the time being, I advise: don’t mess with squirrels!
