Matthew J. Bera, Editor

As Donald Trump took office this week, he immediately issued an executive order packing the Supreme Court of the United States, adding five conservative justices to the court.

“It’s a move that both sides wanted,” says White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “There’s been a lot of talk from the left about adding justices to the court. Donald Trump thought his first act as president should be a signal to all Americans that he seeks to be a unifier, not a divider.”

The move came after the Biden administration had previously endorsed “reforms” to the Supreme Court, claiming it had been “undermining democracy.”

President Trump declared the expansion a “tremendous victory for democracy,” explaining that the new 14-member court would better represent “all Americans.” The newly appointed justices, including Trump’s former attorney Rudy Giuliani and MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, were sworn in during a ceremony at Mar-a-Lago. Elon Musk reportedly gave the justices Trump-branded power suits, the replacement for the traditional judicial robes worn by Supreme Court Justices.

“Nobody’s done more for the Supreme Court than Trump,” Trump posted on Truth Social during the swearing-in ceremony. “We’re making the Supreme Court GREAT AGAIN! Everybody’s talking about it.”

Following the move, Donald Trump spoke to the press in the Oval Office, now adorned with Trump’s gold curtains and a newly installed Diet Coke button.

“I’m the most bipartisan president in history, maybe ever,” the 45th and 47th President said. “Some people say – and these are very smart people, you understand, the best people – they say I’ve united the country like nobody else. The Democrats wanted to expand the court, and I did it. We did it better than anyone thought possible.”

The new justices have already begun their work. In a historic 11-3 decision, the Supreme Court held that all Trump properties should be ruled as tax-exempt “presidential heritage sites.” In his concurring opinion, Justice Lindell cited the previously undiscovered “Mar-a-Lago Clause” of the Constitution, hidden away by “frivolous lawyers.” 

This was just one of many groundbreaking decisions of the court at the onset of Trump’s presidency. In another 11-3 decision, the expanded court mandated that all federal judges must now conclude guilty verdicts by pointing at the defendant and declaring “You’re Fired!” – a clever nod to Donald Trump’s hit reality TV show, The Apprentice.

The expanded court has also announced plans to relocate their chambers to Trump Tower in New York, citing “tremendous room-service” and “the best justice money can buy.”