Samsung Galaxy Watch 4 ‘Night Owls’ Rant

Satire

Nolen Kelly, Editor

My favorite band of all time is The White Stripes. They are the best alternative rock band of the early 2000’s without any competition (except The Strokes, Interpol, Death From Above 1979, LCD Soundsystem and the Arctic Monkeys) by miles. I could listen and talk about the duo for years without end and I know I would always be able to talk about a different appearance of a Stripes song in some other media and each conversation would be positive. However, today I come with clenched fists, tears in my eyes and vinegar in my veins to talk about a commercial that drives me up the wall, off a cliff and insane everytime I see it- The Samsung Galaxy Watch 4 commercial ‘Night Owls.’ 

You may not know too much of The White Stripes, or if you do then you probably know a good handful of their songs like “The Hardest Button to Button,” “Fell in Love with a Girl,” “Icky Thump, Ball and Biscuit,” “We’re Gonna be Friends” and “Hotel Yorba.” If you didn’t know them, now you do and life is now so much cooler for you because you do. However, with whatever prior knowledge you have on the Detroit band I don’t think it is possible to be a living entity and not be aware of THAT song with THAT riff- Seven Nation Army. It gets the blood pumping, the feet tapping, the heads nodding, the voices chanting, the energy soaring and the anticipation high all due to Jack’s tension-filled cords and Meg’s simple, yet pulsating, drum beats. The song is inescapable. Just talking or reading about it makes me want to listen to the song on repeat for minimum three hours at maximum volume, 11, because hell yeah the song rules. So with all of this hype for the song that hypes itself up, why am I enraged and boiling with vinegar? And what does all of this have to do with the new Samsung Galaxy Watch 4? The new commercial ‘Night Owls,’ which I will place below this, makes me livid.

My main gripe with the commercial is how it took me three watches during a single episode of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” to realize the lyrics of the commercial were that of Jack’s and Meg’s. The multiple rewatches listening to the lyrics made me realize there was no riff. HOW DO YOU PLAY SEVEN NATION ARMY WITHOUT THE RIFF? THAT’S THE MOST MEMORABLE THING ABOUT THE SONG! THAT’S WHY PEOPLE LISTEN TO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! “It just makes no f***ing sense. I mean, it’s just bulls***”- Bill Nye the Science Guy. Maybe I’m just screaming into a blackhole with this, but am I crazy? Like, what the hell? The song is a real cover by Zella Day and while I have no desire to actually slander Zella for her cover, I just wish I had never discovered it and that Samsung shelled out however much was needed to get the actual song. I’m also mad that I have seen this commercial more than thrice. I already dislike the subcategory of commercials that have covers of big songs in a slower tempo, because they just annoy me, but for Samsung to make a commercial that directly attacks me- I can not forgive them for this.

I own Apple products exclusively so it’s not like I would be buying this watch anyway but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the commercial and there lies another problem: this is just a commercial. I will relax with this eventually since it’s just a commercial but, like, it’s Seven Nation Army, the best rock song of the 2000’s with no competition (except “Last Nite,” “Romantic Rights,” “In the End”, “No One Knows,” “Feel Good Inc.,” “Chop Suey” and “Rollin’” by Limp Bizkit) by miles. 

Is this a bad take? I can’t tell. I’ve been thinking about this commercial since April 7th, my birthday, and I can’t take it anymore. There are flames and heaving breaths on the side of my face every time without fail. I care about this song and this commercial so much because you know why already- it rules and it sucks respectively. I know I’m not crazy or alone here. That’s all I’ve got on this. Hopefully, I was able to sway a few people to join my uprising against this commercial and hopefully you are going to listen to Seven Nation Army again in the near future.

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