T̵͖͓͕̜̲́ḥ̷͋̄̍e̴̢̧͇͕̜̮̿̋̅͜y̵̛̜̙͐̓̐̈́̋̇̕ ̸̥̖̣̠̙̱̞̪̐̈́̋̀̀̀͠ą̷̲͚̳̬̗̄͌͑͜͜r̷̬͖͈͗̔̇͆̌̓̕ẹ̸̡͉̞̟͙̆̓̾̇̋̀͐͌͜ͅͅ ̵̢͎͕̤̼̾̋̾́̆̽͊͝ḭ̴̢̧̥͕̝͓̾͜͝ͅņ̶͈̼̥̜̙͕̟͖̊̀͋͛ ̷̻̬̗̩̼͎̂̂͊̊̋̇͛́̄m̸̠͖̤͇̿̉͛̑̂y̴̩͍̠̰̘̻̦̠̰̍͐̅̒͒͜͠͝ ̸̣̥̥͈̪͠w̷̛̭̹͈̏̀̆̐a̸̡͙̠̠̳͕͉̬̿̈́͜͜l̴̢̛͎̹͓̀͋̈́̅̽l̶̡̳̙̤̙̐͌̏ṣ̴̢̟̥͖̰̆ | F̵̡̯̲̟̈͐̈̽̈́̇͌̽́̕͠o̷̧̮̜̫̺̯̙̿̇̈̌̀̑̉͆̍̃̃̕͝͠ò̴̮̝͍͖̭̽́͆͊̓̔͋͠l̵͔̺̏̓̉̈́̀͘ë̸̛̻͇̭̙̦̬̙̺̥̫͚̯̫̪͉́g̴̢̨̧̛̮̼̺͖͙̼̃̍̌̄ì̴̡̡̩̭͖͎̗̩͉͔̾̊͘a̸̗̓̈̇̈́͊̽̈́́̈̑̉͆̕͝͝ṋ̷̹̺̟̝̳̰̹̮̞̗̜̝͔̅̄͒̽͝

Foolegian, Satire

David O’Brien, Editor

Header image: IMDb

Since I have stopped taking my medication (Nyquil), I have realized that there are people in my walls. Every day, from when I wake up and when I go to bed, people continually mess with me. I know everyone I have ever met has been paid off in a “Truman show”-esque kind of situation. Everyone I confide in about these problems says that all of this is “in my head” and that I should “get help” but I know that is nothing but a bunch of malarkey. I am so sick of being gaslit by both my visible and invisible friends. The doctors have been constantly trying to make me take pills that will block my clairvoyant visions, but I know it’s all just a plot by the banks and the CIA to stop me from finding the truth. I have been unjustly harassed since the day I was born and I just want to be left alone and allowed to worship the almighty Lord in peace.

I continue to be unjustly harassed by the wall people. I wake up every morning to them singing “Say So” by Doja Cat. Each time I sit down for a meal, someone runs up to my food, throws up invisible vomit onto my food, then runs aways. I have tried to catch them on film but they run too fast for my camera to track and I am starting to believe this individual(s) is also invisible. My state-mandated doctor said the man is not real, however, I know that he is merely perpetuating the government’s lies with each “therapy” session I am forced to attend. I even put up really expensive cameras to catch him. Luckily, I have devised a solution where I drink twelve raw eggs blended together with unpasteurized milk and a can of sardines along with a multivitamin each day. This way, the wall people will not be able to throw up in my beverage due to the fact the scent is beyond unbearable for the average person. Luckily for me, it still somehow tastes better than B&G! Each time I lay down for bed, they begin singing “Island in the Sun” by Weezer to keep me wide awake. I have not been getting good sleep and it is all their fault. When I do sleep, I have nightmares surrounding the wall-people finally succeeding in their plot to put me in an asylum where the government has full oversight over my condition and finally taking over my house. I cannot, I will not, allow them to win. They can keep trying all they want, but they will not defeat me. I will cement myself into the walls even if that’s what it takes.

I have quit my job as a professor at La Salle University to dedicate my time to something far more important — staring at my walls and cameras for hours in hopes of finally being able to stop them. Shockingly, the students I used to teach and even the faculty members I used to work with have agreed that this was a more valuable way to spend my time rather than spending another minute in Holroyd hall.

If anyone has any information on the people in my walls and/or how to stop them, please reach out. I have renovated my house four times in an attempt to find their hideout. Please contact me at 1-800-273-8255 or your mother’s bedroom with any further information on how to stop the people in my walls from harassing me any further.

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